Should I allow my daughters dad to visit her?

Question

We have been seperated now for 2 years, he dos'nt pay anything towards her up keep, he constantly lets her down, telling her that he will come up on a certain day and then dos'nt turn up. The last time she saw him was Christmas morning he came up from 6.45am until 7.50am, no card no pressie. I hav'nt heard anything from him since. He has been abusive in the past which resulted in me losing twins at 9 weeks pregnant. He has a good job, but spends his money on drink and cocaine. But, My daughter likes to see him??(when he does eventually turn up) should I stop contact to avoid her being constantly let down,( this has gone on for 2 years) we have already tried the arranged visits and he did'nt keep to the times stated by the solicitor, or am I just hoping that he will change and wasting my time.

Answer 1

he won't change.....the more he hurts her the more difficulty she will have with men and relationships when she is older....do you want her to think that it is ok to spend time with an abusive liar and drug addict? I don't think so....good luck

Answer 2

this one is a tough one - my fella has a daughter - he can't get enough of her - wishes he could have her all the time - never lets her down, buys her everything, he is always on time, we take her nice places - her room at our house is like a princesses!! but honestly - she could take us or leave us!! she loves us and loves been with us - but my fella is so predictable that she knows he is turning up, she knows what she'll get etc. On the other side of the fence I have a friend called Lianne - her dad left when she was 2 - she has had this brilliant step dad since she was 3 but she always puts him behind her real father who doesn't speak to her for a year, turns up drunk with no money, tells her lies, forgets her birthday, christmas doesn't even exist, he offers her drugs, he is just awful, but I can't tell you how much she loves him or how overjoyed she is when he finally turns up - she is 27 years old and has not learnt her lesson at all - she thinks the sun shines out of his backside!! I will never undertsand it!! I personally think he is a total loser!! she won't hear a bad word said about him though!!

thing is - you can stop your daughter from seeing him - but all your going to do is make her more determined that she wants to - I would say let her see him - don't be the one to stand in the way - but ALWAYS be there, never let himtake her anywhere without you, and be there to pick up the pieces when he has gone and disappointed her - just hope that she might see him for what he is one day, but don't bethe one that poisons her mind, you will lose in the end, not fair, and sad, but so true!

good luck! xxx

Answer 3

This is alway's an unfortunate situation and there are many thing's to take into consideration.You did'nt mention how old your daughter is.Whether or not the dad is paying child support he still has a right to have a relationship with his child.I understand you said that he has a drug problem and that is very unfortunate because drug's definatelty change a person's behavior and actions I am not excusing it I am just stating a fact.Your daughter want's to see her dad and have some kind of a relationship and you should not deny her of that.You chose for him to be her father she did not choose him she was delt him by you.If her father does not come when he say's he will that is not your fault you need to explain to your daughter you are sorry that he makes faulse promises and you need to support her feeling's.Do not come between her and her dad you need to allow them to be together when they can.You said that he has a good job so you need to go through the legal steps to see that child support is enforced.If you try to keep your daughter from seeing him you will only do harm to your daughter in the long run as she get's older she will form her own opinion.It is not your daughters fault tthat this is the man you chose to be her dad and she has every right to love him regardless of how you feel.Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

You don't say how old your daughter is. I was in a very very very similar situation 30 years ago. Your daughter will blame you if you stop her seeing him, let him arrange to see her but also have something to do while she is waiting and do not stay in all day just in case he decides to arrive. Drink and drugs will make him totally unreliable. Do not bad mouth him "It's just what your daddies like". My ex took my daughter to the pub,she had her own mini cue for bar billiards! that is on the rare occasions he turned up. She is now 34 still sees him, feels sorry for his wife
and milks him for every penny she can get. Guilt money. She never visits him. She herself has a daughter, history has a way of repeating itself. My grandaughter has not seen her father since she was 4 months old and has no memry of him, nobody is stopping him but no-one is going out of their way to make it happen. We did get a photo so she knows what he looks like. She has alovely step dad now. My own daughter says her stepdad "is more of a dad than mine has ever been". Do not expect him to change. Be good to yourself and your daughter. If the ex turns up well and good if not, so what do something nice. The biggest problem I had when he did turn up was getting her back before the pubs shut. Yes he is a waste of space, no it's got nothing to do with the way you are. push him into the smallest corner of your life, but keep quite literally mum.

Answer 5

..."How old is your daughter?
I have gone thru this, so don't get me wrong here.
Yes, I know it's an annoyance.....he is a loser. BUT, This is her father.
I would let him see her. She knows she has a dad. She WILL learn in time, exactly what he is like......but she will still love him. I would not let him take her anywhere! But, let him see her supervised.
My son is 17, and his father, basically has seen him 20 times his entire life.
We have not seen him in years. I even went to jail trying to keep this loser from my son when he was 5, and had no clue whio this stranger was......but he finally showed exactly what I knew he was going to do.
My son has had a step-dad in his life that he calls dad, and i believe that was the best positive experience out of the whole thing. But at the time, when my son was little, and I was trying to protect him, and couldn't forsee the future....my fear was my son's hurt and rejection, headgames, abuse.
My son has feelings about his biological father....and they aren't good. But at least I had no help in determining those negative feelings. I just worked on being the best adult in the situation and never talked bad about his father.
He figured it out on his own. It's a shame that some fathers have to be such losers, because they are just as important as mothers.......
Good Luck.

Answer 6

You don't say how old your daughter is - if she's old enough to make her own decisions then I'd let her decide. If she's young it's up to you to weigh up whether having him in her life, however erratically, is of benefit to her. Is she gaining anything from his sporadic visits? Is she happy when he is there? There are people who will argue that a child has the right to know their father and to an extent this is true but it does depend on how much damage he is causing emotionally by letting her down so often. Only you can decide what is best for your child. Just try not to let your own emotions and feelings on the matter cloud your judgement. Good luck x

Answer 7

Arrange A Date With Him To See Your Daughter And If He Doesn't Come Don't Let Him See Her Again Its His Late Chance To Prove To You That He Is A Trustworthy Dad To Your Daughter.

Answer 8

You don't mention how old your Daughter is, which I think would make a difference. But you say she likes to see him. So I would say as long as she wants to see him then you should let her. Because if you don't she might start blaming you for her lack of contact with her Father. Now this is all provided he is not physically abusive towards her. If he is then it is your responsibility to protect her.
Let her make up her mind about her Father. Just be there to support her and pick her up when she is down, "Be Her Rock". Don't talk bad about him to her or in front of her. This will only hurt your relationship with your Daughter.

Answer 9

I didn't know my father growing up. I blamed my mother.

Allow your daughter to see her father at every opportunity. When she grows old enough to understand the situation she will realise that you did your best and you never stopped her from seeing him. She will learn that it was her fathers decision to not to see her as often as he could

If you stop contact all together... she will grow up feeling rejected by him and disappointed with you. If she sees him now and again she will only be disappointed with him.

It would help if you speak to her father and tell him that he only arranges visits with you. Tell him not to talk to his daughter about his plannned visit's and why. Then when he does come to see her it will be a nice suprise and if he doesn't she knows no different. Wait until she is 16 (and has finished secondary school) before she's allowed to arrange visit's with him herself.

I don't have children but I am the product of a fatherless child.

Please do your best to minimise 'pain' for you child and to ensure the best future relationship between you and your daughter.

x

Answer 10

If this guy is addicted to cocaine and alcohol then the odds of him changing on his own are close to none. You just may be wasting your time. The best thing is to allow your daughter to see her father for what he is and he is certainly doing a great job of showing his true colors. Remind her (if she is old enough) that her father has demons that won't allow him to be the best father he may want to her. After having said that, your daughter will have help in knowing how bad it is to deal with drugs and alcohol. If you play your cards right by remaining peaceful and kind toward her father she will see him the way you see him in the long run. I know how hard you hurt for her and want to hurt him for bring this hurt but it will work out much better for you both in the long run if you teach your daughter to not sit around waiting on someone who is not worthy to be waited for. Teach your daughter that it is better to go on with your life and letting irresponsible people do whatever it is they need to do without taking you through the hell with them. If you teach her this she will grow up realizing that she does not need to wait for a man to complete her or bring her happiness because she has watched you be that type of woman.

Answer 11

Hi there, I am a complete stranger to you and do not know your exact circumstances, but what is most important is your daughter's welfare. I don't believe the financial side of it has any bearing in real life. Whatever your hopes or fears are with regard to your own relationship with him, her needs must come first. To completely deprive her of his ( selfish and haphazard ) interest would be wrong, unless he were mentally or physically abusive towards her. You don't mention your daughter's age, but she must be at least 2. If she were a baby, it would be easy to sever all contact, but as she must already have some sort of relationship with him, you should stick with it for now and perhaps he will appreciate her more as he matures himself.
Not easy, but good luck.