why does everyone like my abusive father but me?

Question

My father was very abusive (physically and verbally) when i was younger. To me and my mother and everyone (friends and family) know what used to happen. I have been hospitalized many times and so has my mom. Now they finally got a divorce and my dad has court ordered anger management classes. Out of no where hes been talking to my mom and trying to get back in our lives. It seems like im the only one against it. My mom says hes changed and my friends say i should forgive. I dont normally hold a grudge but i dont want anything to do with him, i cant stand to even look at him. Everyone says im being stubborn and rude and i have no respect cuz no matter what happened hes still my father and i should be happy hes changed. I dont even believe that only 3 weeks of an anger management class has changed a 45 yr old man who has acted like an animal all his life. Do u think i should give him another chance or am i right?

His childhood was just as bad. My mother does want him back but wont admit it cuz she knows how i feel. I dont want to stand in thier way however when they're next fight occurs whos gonna take the beating for my mom if im not arround? she doesnt think it will happen and soon im getting married and for sure wont be here for her. My fiance said he wants her to move in with me so she wouldnt be alone and lately she tells us she doesnt want to move with us. obviously cuz shes going back to him.

Im a female, not a man, over 18 but dont wanna move out cuz no one will be here to protect my mom

Answer 1

I think you're right to be angry and to have no use for someone who has abused you and your mother.

In the situation you're in it may be reasonable for you to just be civil to him (just because being civil is better than having a whole, big, fight, going all the time); but being civil doesn't mean you ought to have to be subjected to spending time with someone who has abused you if you're not ready for that.

If you've been hospitalized, I would think you must know a psychiatrist or even another doctor that you could talk to about this. Maybe a professional could talk to your mother and explain that how you feel is reasonable, and even if there may come a time when you are willing to be civil to your father you are not ready for that yet.

Maybe if "giving him another chance" means going out to dinner in public with the family that may be ok. If it means spending weekends at his place, I don't think you should do that.

Some adult needs to point out to your mother that your alienation from your father is the price he may have to pay for his previous behavior. Your friends, I assume, are young, and they may not be mature enough to fully understand your situation.

I think this is something you need to talk to a counselor about because people on Answers don't know the whole story.

I, personally, do not believe that just because someone is someone's father that means that - no matter what that father does - he ought to be forgiven. People can do things to hurt other people so often that it gets to a point where they killl the love the other people had for them.

Again, see if you can talk to a counselor or other objective (and preferably professional) adult who understands the whole situation, and see if they'll give you some input on how forgiving you should or shouldn't be. If there is no restraining order on him it would seem that nobody thinks he's a physical threat. I would think the "divorce court" would have recommended someone get a restraining order if it was believed he's a threat, so that's something to consider.

Good luck with this difficult situation, and while I don't know if you should give him another chance or not, I don't think you're wrong in not forgiving him. I guess whether you give him a second chance or not may depend on how much involvement with him a second chance would involve.

If you're talking to your friends, though, you ought to just tell them that when a person has been victimized he has a right to his anger and his wish not to be around the person who victimized him. As the victim, your wishes should come first; and what everyone else thinks is secondary. While your mother may wish you'd forgive your father her first responsibility is to be supportive of her child who has been left with anger as the result of being abused and watching his/her mother abused.

Answer 2

You are definitely the only sane one here. Three weeks of anger management classes does not turn a person around who has a lifetime of anger issues. Obviously your Mom put up with a bunch of crap from him and like many women in abusive relationships, she's willing to give him another change. As for people saying you should forgive him because he's your father - that's bs. He needs to earn your trust and respect. He's not just entitled to it because he donated the sperm. You don't say how old you are. If you are over 18 you are obviously in a better position. You can accept him or not by simply moving out if he turns violent again. If you are under 18 I would suggest contacting Child Protective Services if he pulls anything. You sound like an intelligent young man, much more intelligent than the people around you. I would suggest telling him you will give him a chance but also tell him that if he EVEN THINKS ABOUT raising his voice or hitting someone, you're outta there.

Answer 3

You have the right to feel angry and very put out with him--he doesn't have to be allowed back into your life that is your choice--Your friends cant see it the way that you do because they never felt the physical and mental beatings that you took--shame on them for not have walked in your shoes--some friends--
Now for your Mom--she is a grown woman--and if she makes the decision to remake a relationship with this man then it is her boat to float--nothing you can say will change her mind and all you can do is be there for her if he hasn't changed--(I agree I don't see how a person can undo 45 years in 3 weeks--but give him credit for at least starting somewhere--Just tell your Mom you love her and you don't want anyone to hurt her ever again--

Answer 4

I understand you. You have a fiance who understands the situation too. You are lucky. Count your blessings.

Here is what you do:You can't stop your mom wanting to get back with her husband. After all it is someone she loves. You move out but not far away. Keep in touch with your mom frequently. You know one day you are going to get her to stay with you. That day is not far. So be prepared.

You dad will not change. This is how people like him exercise control. At least you are smart. You do not have room for him in your heart.

Answer 5

Its great to forgive someone (if you believe is sorry), but forgiving does NOT mean that you have to put yourself in emotional or physical danger...which is what your friends don't realize.

Personally, I'd bet that you are right. So stay alert but try not to provoke him. If he goes nuts and your mom doesn't turn him out, you may have to do start protecting yourself. Of course you want to support your mum and you can--but you can support without living under the same roof. At any rate, remember that she is also there to protect you.

Answer 6

Well, there's not much you can actually do. If your mother wants him back in her life, and he does what the courts say, then that's the way it will go. He needs to prove himself to you.
It is possible he can change, many men do. And women too. It's not impossible. It would be interesting to hear what his childhood was like. Possibly as bad as yours.
So you're right not to trust him. He needs to earn your respect. By the way, I wouldn't normally say this, but in your case, I think you've got a point.

Answer 7

You woudl choose to condem him for the rest of his life with no possiblity of redemtion instead? If he has truely changed, then let him back into your life. He is your father and the only father you have. I had a grudge against an uncle of mine for decades. My daughter got hurt about 6 months ago and that uncle I woudl not talk to was their with every bit of support anyone could give. People can change. Do not condem someone for life without any chance of redemtion. You will regret it if you do. My mother still hates her mother from 62 years ago. Do you wish to carry around hate for your entire life? I agree that 3 weeks is a short bit of time, but give him a chance.

Answer 8

Baby!! YOU are the smart one. Your mom, unfortunately, is a lost cause it seems. She is so far into denial that a back-hoe couldn't get her out. YOU, my friend, are smarter than your mom....thank God!!! MOVE OUT!!! Start your life WITHOUT the constant drama and abuse that this man will bring. All you can do is keep trying to tell your mom that she needs to move on......BUT< FROM AFAR!!! YOU DO NOT have to deal with this anymore!!!! Good luck baby!!! And, GOOD FOR YOU!!! You know you are right!!! In spite of the brain-washed bullshit you've grown up with!!! Jerks like him are masters of disguise.....nothing new. Only the desperate, and pathetic insecure, would put up with his useless ***. NOT YOU! Move out and move on!!!!!!!

Answer 9

you are right offer 3 weeks of anger class has changed a man that acts like a animal honey i would be just like you

Answer 10

Believe me people never change. But you do only live once and lifes to short to hate. You dont have to like him but e is your dad so try to respect him. You can curse him out to yourself :)