Should I always give in?

Question

This is regards to my kids. I'm a divorsed father of two, remarried now. The kids live with there mother. I get them every other wkend and basically everyother day. My Daughter tho, always seems to want to be with her friends and expects $. My son is sooo the opposite. I always want to say yes to her, but sometimes can't afford it. Today she asked AGAIN to go to her best friends b-day party. It just seems like shes going to one like every other wkend or doing something that requires money. Should I be the "great" Dad and give it to her all the time or not and be the one she sometimes makes feel guilty for it. I'm so bothered by this. Why can't she understand? I just hate the guilt.

Answer 1

We all feel guilt when we can not give our child what they want.

But it seems that you are giving everything she needs and the biggest thing your giving yourself. Just asking if your doing the right thing tells me how much you care.

With money issues it is ok to say no without much explanation. Depending on the age you can explain why you are not giving them money when they want it if it is becoming a issue. And it seems so here.

Now why she can not understand...She may understand more then you know. she maybe just testing you to see if you are going to be there for all her needs and wants. divorce is hard in many ways. Change and loss can cause under laying insecurities. Not knowing you it is hard to say.
Next time you have her see if she is willing just to hang out and if not ask her why she feels the need to leave...She may not even notcie she is doing it.

Good luck

Answer 2

Does she have an allowance? Are there chores she can do to earn the money? Its rough to be a parent- sometimes we can't give them everything, and we certainly cannot let guilt make our decisions for us. While you certainly love your daughter, she will have to learn that it takes hard work to earn money at some point. Rather than letting yourself feel badly, let her earn some of her spending money doing needed work around the house, or even some work with you on projects she could help with. Also, you might want to sit and think about when is a good time for social activities and time she should spend with family. Of course its good to spend time with friends, and you dont want to miss out on things- but again, there is a responsibility to family first. Maybe you can plan a portion of the day with you and brother, the other for some social activities. It is difficult at first, but will pay off in the long run. I have two teen daughters, so I can sympathize with what youre going through. Whatever you chose, do not beat yourself up over the money issue.

Answer 3

Boy, it sounds like a tough one.
Please do not feel guilty :(

Is your daughter one you can sit her down and have a good talk with her? If so, maybe you can explain it to her.

I know when I was growing up I had chores to do. If a did all my chores with no hassle, I received a bit of money. Back then, which hasn't been that long ago, a dollar went a lot further than it does today. Maybe you can have her do chores around the house. Teach her to do a good job -- because a job well done is something to be proud of. If and when she does a good job, you will reward her with a bit of money. Once she receives the money, it hers to spend as she wishes. BUT, once her money runs out -- she doesn't get anymore. You will have to stick to your guns. If she doesn't manage it right, she runs out fast. It'll be a good lesson for her.

Ideas for chores -- dusting, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the stairs, washing dishes, sweeping the porch or sidewalk, ironing, shaking the rugs out.

Hope this helps -- God willing.

Answer 4

I personally think that you should never give in (coming from one who is not a parent). You are not her friend, you are her father; it is your responsibility to make sure that she is well taken care of and that she turns into a decent person. If she wants something, she should have to work for it (training for real life). If she wants $20 to go to the movies, tell her to do the dishes and put away some laundry. If she wants to go out, tell her what time she needs to be home and punish her if she is late. Children, whether they're two or seventeen need to be parented. They need to have rules and boundries and limits; otherwise you're just someone who wants the quick satisfaction and could really care less for her actual well being. If you give in, you give up. She may be mad at you for not giving her money but she won't remember that in a year. She might not talk to you because you didn't let her go to that super hot guy's party, but she'll thank you if her friends crash on the way home from DUI. Be a responsible parent, don't give in, set boundries (on all things), and let her know that you love her AND care for her well being.

Answer 5

You are not being a "great" dad if you give your daughter money every time she wants it. You are being her bank. Sure, she'll make you feel guilty for it, cause that's her job, but you are doing her a huge favor if you don't give her everything she wants. Your daughter needs to learn the value of money, and you need to learn not to feel guilty because you say no. You're her dad, not her friend, and it's your job as a parent to give her the values that she will use as an adult. Just remember, the more you give her money, the more she will expect it from you.

I would make her earn money for the things she wants by doing household chores. Set firm rules for her, and let her know that you understand it is important to her to spend time with her friends, but tell her that it is important to you that you spend time with her. Set aside one day out of the weekend to be a family day, but let her invite one of her friends to be a part of family day. Encourage her to invite her friends to your house.

Answer 6

stand ground. its not gonna be a good thing if she gets your pockets empty partying coz she knows you'll cave every time she asks for money. give in a little once in a while by way of a treat when U can afford to, but do not start giving in every time SHE asks. the guilt might be there, but its better than the regrets later in life, u don't want a spoilt princess. besides she's gotta learn the value of money and what it takes to earn it. heck encourage her to get a part time job or something if she whines and cries for money, but don't cave to a sad face easily when its a kid asking for money to party.

Answer 7

No.
My best friend did this- when she would go to her fathers for a weekend she would BEG him to let me go, even when I didn't want to. I always felt like I was taking their time, but he was so nice and welcoming that I sort of became daughter#2 to him.

And her (and her brother) are ALWAYS begging him for money. If he can't, they throw little hissy fits. Which is quite sad, as she is 17 and he is 18. It's like seeing two overgrown five year olds or something.

Don't give in. Sure she will claim she hates you and all that. But most kids do that, and really what you are aiming for is them NOT being like my friends can be.

Answer 8

It's so hard not to give into daddy's little girl(my dads the same,as is my man w/ our daughter)anyway on the weekend you have them try enforcing a rule where say Saturday or Sunday which ever is more convenient for you all,anyway make that family day,where you are all required to spend the day together.

Answer 9

You need to sit down and explain to her that this is unacceptable. Firstly are you sure you know where she is going and how she is spending the money? Girls have the ability to easily look sweet and innocent because of gender sitgma, but can be worse in some cases as far as rebelliousness goes. Imo, you should never give a child money without them clearly earning it.

Answer 10

You shouldn't feel guilty! You are her father, and no matter how much it hurts her she will have to get over it. If you get her every other weekend, she should spend one with you and one with her friends. That is only fair. It probably feels that you are fighting to be the number one parent between you and your ex-wife, but you shouldn't have to. Especially if you have had the time to get married; your kids should be past the stage of making you fight for that. They will love you no matter what!