Why am I always in the wrong with my stepdaughters mother???

Question

My step daughter is a wonderful little girl and I adore her. but the problem is her weight she is obese and it is not her fault. It's what she is allowed to eat. When she is at our house (we get her every school holidays) she alawys loses weight because i don't allow snacking between meals and we eat healthy meals all the time, the kids also get sweets but only at meal times. I also get her out and about walking playing games making sure she gets some exercise. last summer holiday she lost nearly a stone in excess weight and looked great for it her clothes fit her better she felt better in herself and didn't get out of breath as quickly. the problem is the next time she comes she has gained all the weight back plus more but her mother refuses to help me help her to just be healthy. I am seen as the big bad witch who doesn't have a clue but I see the damage we are all doing to her with this constant yo yoing with her weight. I need some back up really am I doing the right thing?

dad does support me with healthy food here but doesn't want to rock the boat at that end as she keeps saying that we can't see our stepdaughter everytime we fall out.

my step daughter is 8. they live very far away from us so I can't send her to a doctor and her mother says she has taken her to the doc's and that he said not to give her fizzy drinks

Answer 1

We are going through the same thing with my step-son. Unfortunately, his mother isn't helpful in the situation either. It's hard to say what to do here, as we're challenged with it too. We have talked to his mother about his weight, explained about watching too much TV, playing video games, eating junk. She claims she doesn't have junk in the house, which I just don't believe, but he tells us that they eat out all the time and you know how fattening restaurant food is! What we've decided is that when he is with us, we will continue our healthy eating habits and our exercise habits. When he's here in the summer we hardly ever watch TV, only an occassional movie. We read a lot and we are outside for most of the day. My step-son loses weight when he's with us too. I'd say talk to your husband. Tell him your concerns (healthy eating and exercise have to start young to stick) and as long as you too see eye-to-eye and support your healthy eating plan, you're doing well. As she gets older, she'll find that she feels better, sleeps better, looks better when she does things your way and that's really all we step-folks can hope for. Good luck! (OH! One more thought I just had was maybe you could put her on the regular lunch plan at school. If her mother is packing her lunch, there's no way that can be too healthy or the right portions. If you can afford it, you could pay for the lunch plan and maybe that could help too.)

Answer 2

Healthy meals and healthy snacks are what is right for a child; so, while I don't necessarily agree with giving children sweets on a regular basis (even if with meals), and while I think children may get hungry and may need a healthy snack at times, you're generally aiming to do the right thing as far as the food goes.

I don't, though, think it is your role to take it upon yourself to try to change the weight of another woman's child. This is the thing that is making you appear to her to be over-stepping your bounds.

Your husband should try to talk to the child's mother and see if both of them could talk together with her pediatrician to get some kind of consistent food plan if the little girl is heavy to the point where its a problem. This would eliminate differing opinions between her father and her mother.

Her weight is should be her father's concern and her mother's concern, and - really - it shouldn't be yours, even if you mean well.

Maybe the two parents of this little girl ought to go to court and have a mediator (or whoever) change the visiting plan or even custody arrangement in order to reduce the problem of yo-yo-ing, because I think you're right that that is unhealthy for the little girl.

Maybe, too, your husband could have his attorney talk with the mother and tell her that if the child comes back having lost some weight she should make some effort to reduce at least some of the fattening stuff the child eats or drinks; and while she may not want her growing child on a strict, low-calorie, diet she could probably cut out some of the junk and some carbohydrates in the interest of the child's health.

Answer 3

It must be difficult being the only non-bias person who is looking at the situation objectively thinking, "It's so obvious!" Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to get your step daughter's mother to go along with you. No matter what you say or how you say it, you're going to sound like you know what's best for HER daughter and telling her how to raise HER daughter-she's never going to like that and will resent you every time. Even if you are right...which I think you are, you can't win.

Also, now I'm just speculating, your step daughter's weight is probably no all due to how she eats at her mom's house. Instead, it's probably has more to do with "emotional eating" b/c of her parent's divorce. I know, it sounds wrong that kids can be emotional eaters, but they can. So maybe, you should also encourage your hubby to have a more open dialog with her....to get her talking about how she feels about the divorce and to continuously reassure her that it wasn't her fault. Even if he does, you can never over-tell a child that they are special.

Answer 4

It's tougher for you to care for your step-children because she doesn't live with you. But when it comes to this issue, you have the right idea. You have to work through the father. It's not just her mother that is not taking this problem seriously, but her father needs to step up as well. But it has to go through him to get the three of you on the same page. It would be different if she mostly lived in your household, but that's not the case. If he agrees that your s-daughter needs to lose weight he needs to make the effort to work with the mother. And even more important than keeping your s-daughter from being overweight, is keeping the family unit healthy. And that's coming from a fitness freak who makes his step-daughter go to the gym and monitor her weight. But now she does it because she wants to, not because I make her. If her father can't talk sense into the mother, he's got to find a way to teach his daughter.... with your help.

Answer 5

Yes you are doing the right thing but to the natural mother she sees you as interfering , no mother likes that i`m afraid . Its a shame really as this little girl is going to end up with weight related issues when she`s older if her mother can`t see past her selfishness .. All i can suggest now is when she does come for visits etc emphasise the need for a healthy diet shes at a good age now for this , educate her , my daughter is 10 and all she wants to eat is salad (her choice) she loves it but here in Scotland its winter !

Good Luck ..

Answer 6

I think it great that you have such a high interest in you daughters needs. It's great that the things you do with her are making a difference. But the fact is , is that she is with her mother MOST of the time and that what she does there you can't control. I'm a divorced father of two. I remarried and there step mother really tries to help them as much as she can. But with the fact that they live with there mother, has made her and me realize that there is only so much we can do to change certain habits they have. Remember, she is only 8 and it's up to her mother to help her as well. She is the first step in trying to help your daughter. I call her your daughter because when she is with you ...she is. Now your going to have a bit of a time with her .. as you know, but if you stick with it ...in a suggestive way, you might get some headway.

Good luck. Hope this helps

Answer 7

Sounds like mom is trying to keep her girl placated with food (perhaps to make her feel better for not having an ideal home situation) and sees your intervention as a threat to her efforts to make things good between her and child.

Perhaps it would be best to have a conversation about how much better she feels and has more breath etc, that involves the girl and her mother.
I seriously doubt she sees the childs poor diet as a threat - or not one that has a negative impact on the child anyhow.
Good luck - weight, no matter whose, is always a touchy subject.

Answer 8

I have a similar problem here with my stepdaughter's health - I think you are doing the right thing. You only want to help the little girl. I find maybe the same as you that if I dare to try and help my stepdaughter we get threats of that we won't see her again etc. The thing is I think that your stepdaughter's mum thinks that basically she is her mum and can't be told that she's wrong or what she is doing needs to change. It's sad but I've heard it happens a lot. Good luck with it, I can sympathise with you here.

Answer 9

Sounds tough. But dont avoid this conflict: meet it head on. Hold on to the feeling you have for your step daughter - because whatever anyone says, that is a fact. Your son has a sister, that is a fact. Don't let the ex intimidate you. Speak with your in laws. Explain that you find the ex hard to deal with and you don't want your step daughter to be forced to choose sides and hence for her sake, are taking a step back. Explain the same to her too. Stress that you care about her. Ask both your inlaws and your step daughter for support in that you are taking these steps in an attempt to end conflict with the ex for everyones sake. I suggest that you might meet your step daughter at your inlaws.

Answer 10

I think ur most defently doing the right thing, we need more adults like that to care for children who have that problem. Most parents allow there childrem to have as much snacks as they want, but u set boundaries, which most parents should think about doing. It seems as if the mother needs to learn a few things from you. I wouldn't stop i'd try and get the mother to understand, or u could have the daughter her self tell her mom that she wants to lose weight that's if she wants to. But ur most defently not in the wrong, keep it up!!