My family doesn't want to come to my wedding or have any part of it. What should I do?

Question

I announced my engagement & wedding to my family last weekend and received no support or congratulations from them. We are getting married this September in my fiance's hometown which would be a 10-hour drive or 2-hour flight for my family. One of my sisters has indicated that she will not attend because she has more important plans. My other sister has asked me to change the date & location to better suit her family's schedule. My mother will do whatever my sisters tell her to do. I want them there because they are my family but I don't want them to ruin my wedding day. If they don't come, I think this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. We don't have a good relationship anyway and this is very hurtful to me.

Should I insist they attend, knowing they will spoil the happiness of my wedding? Should I just let it go and see what they decide as the date gets closer? Or should I confront them about my feelings and possibly not speak to them again? Any help & advice is appreciated

I have never had a good relationship with my family. I will not go into details but they have treated me badly since I was born. My fiance and I have discussed it many times during our 2-year engagement because they have not liked him from the beginning. I knew this would be very difficult for everyone. I have offered to pay for their accommodations & travel but they have refused. Thanks for all the answers so far.

Answer 1

if they dont come then thats there loss on something splendid. your fiance is your family now and he should be enough with his family. in the future they will regret it. i wouldnt want someone there who doesnt want to be there and there being a bad vibe at my wedding the whole time. maybe you could just ask one more time if theyll come and say quit being so selfish and immature. cheer up. its not the end of the world if they dont show up. im sorry you have a bad relationship.

Answer 2

sounds like your parents and family don't approve of your intended (fiance). If they don't like the guy then they won't care one way or another for you if you marry or if you're married to him or if you have children, and that's a sad way to start out or live. Since you're marrying in September maybe long ago you should have found out their feelings because usually when a person marrys, they just don't marry the person they marry the entire family, and it's a better life if everyone got along together. I suspect that if anything happens in your marriage that your husband will go off to get advice from his mother, but you will have no one on your side and you'll be stuck. Maybe you should reconsider about this marriage. Sometimes parents know best.
Unless you have never gotten along with your parents or siblings, then do what you want. I'd just say to try to preserve your relationship with your family. Usually a family is there for you thru thick and thin, but a partner can go astray because they are not a relative by blood.

Since you don't have the backing of your family, and your father is supposed to pay for any wedding, and if you still want to marry that guy, I'd suggest you do a quiet wedding (just the witnesses, maybe share a cake with a few friends since you yourself will be footing the bill).

Answer 3

That is a rough situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The important thing is to remember that your wedding day is just that: YOUR wedding day. Do not let your family's lack of support ruin it for you. There are two ways you can let that happen: by worrying about whether or not they will come to the point of distraction, and worse by fighting with them over it. Take the high road. Send them all nice invitations. Hand-write a letter to each of them telling them how happy you are, and how honored you will be if they attend. Tell them what it would mean to you if they come. Tell them you love them and hope they can make it. Be nice, respectful, and polite. Send the letter and the invitation out.

Then let it go.

The ball is in their court. If they come, then wonderful! If not, then it is THEIR loss. If they call you about it, don't argue with them. The event is set. There is nothing that can be done about it. Move on to other topics, or politely tell them you cannot discuss it any further and hang up if you have to. You did what you could. Now put your energy into making the wedding the best wedding you can, and just enjoy the ride. It is a stressful event, regardless of how your family is, and you do not want to make it more than it has to be.

That said, it can be a fun experience! I will always remember and cherish my wedding. I was married a long way away from home, so a lot of my friends and family could not attend. I appreciated that and did not hold it against them. I was flattered and enjoyed the people who did come. Also, my parents could not both come to the wedding, on account of having restraining orders against each other. I had to choose, but I made my choice based on love and logic and did not let it bother me. The wedding day is not really about your friends and family, as much as you want them to be included. In the end it is about you and your significant other's love for one another. Concentrate on that, and then just do the best you can with the rest of it. Good luck!

Answer 4

A wedding does not your life make. It is but one day (important) yes but only a day. Try hard to see the point of others who are lacking in their ability to prioritize your day as you have. Some people may never get how much your wedding day will mean to you. To them it is a day that they will have to get dressed up, go buy a gift, drive for hour or fly somewhere and in there minds they want to know why his family is being accommodated for where it is being held and your family must do all the running around. So, you see. it is just one day of you whole life and you need to love your family and they love you, but understand that not all people are happy all the time and this is your time to be happy, so go have a great wedding and if your family makes it that wonderful and if not, you have your new family there with you both to celebrate.
Best wishes.
Tracylyn S

Answer 5

Well, you don't have a very good relationship to begin with, that's what you said, so why do you set yourself up to expect anything out of the ordinary? Their responses fall right in line with how your entire relationship is, you can't pretend it's otherwise, and it's only hurtful to yourself. You should let them know, politely that although the relationship is strained, or not as close as you would like, that you love them very dearly and wish they would attend. AND leave it at that. Your wedding day is not the time to try to mend fences....although you can always try between now and then and see where it gets you, but if they don't see the need to mend fences, then I'm thinking it might be a waste of your time.

Answer 6

Any chance of relocating the wedding about halfway between your two towns. This way it would be fairer for both sides parties to have to travel the same distance. I would certainly speak with these family members and tell them that you would really like to share the happiest day of your life with them and that you really want them to attend. You cannot force anyone to do anything that they do not want to do, but hopefully after they hear how much you want them there to share your day and let them know how important they are to your life that they will then change their mind and decide to attend. Best of luck and hopefully you can come to some form of compromise to everyone's liking.

Answer 7

*boggle*

My dear, two words sprang to mind when I read about the behavior of your sisters and mother regarding your wedding. One word begins with a "B," and the other begins with a "C." Neither are especially flattering.

As for the sister who won't attend because she has "more important" plans - give me a BREAK. Soldiers in Iraq can sometimes get leave to attend family weddings. As for the sister who wants you to change the location, venue, etc. to suit her, I can feel the universe shifting from the weight of her total self-absorption. Forget what Aristotle and Galileo said - weren't we all aware that the sun, planets, etc. revolve around HER?

And I hate to say this about the woman who gave birth to you, but your mother has less spine than an amoeba.

It's obvious that they're all playing mind games with you, and there's nothing like a family wedding to bring out the egotistical crazy in other family members. Believe me, I know of whence I speak. I'll bet you a hundred bucks against a dime that all three have every intention of attending your wedding, but they're taking this opportunity to humble you and make you crawl, because they know that you want to have a lovely wedding day. They're all bluffing to see what concessions they can get out of you by making your wedding plans difficult.

Now, all you have to do is NOT LET THEM.

Think of this as an opportunity, dear. They have all given you the perfect excuse to cut them out of your life forever, and reserve the moral high ground for yourself.

To the sister who said she has more important plans: "All right, we'll miss you. I'll tell my mother-in-law to be to tell the wedding planner that you won't be here because you have more important plans that day, and to reduce the final head count by one. Anyway, I have to go, I'm meeting with the florist today. Bye!"

Then, call her bluff. DO NOT expect her to show up. Make it perfectly clear that there will be no place for her at the table, no little card with her name on it, no meal prepared for her, etc.

To the sister who wants you to rearrange the whole wedding to suit her: "Sorry, that's impossible. Anyway, we'll miss you! I'll ask my MIL to tell the wedding planner and caterers that you can't make it, and have her reduce the head count by [however many.]"

And again, call their bluff. Treat it like any other RSVP that came back "No." No hard feelings, you can't go. We get it. We'll miss you!

Honestly, I don't know where some folks get off trying to make a bride and groom grovel and beg for the privilege of feeding them a $60 a plate dinner and giving them access to an open bar.

Anyway, BEST WISHES on your wedding day, sweetheart. At least you have someone to love who makes you happy, and that's what's important in a marriage.

Answer 8

if you don't have a good relationship anyway, why would you
1- expect them to come
2- want them to come
You issued an invitation, and people have the right to refuse. If you received no support or congratulations, I still don't know why you feel the need to have them around. Why confront them?? Why insist? Focus your time and attention on your wedding, marriage, and new in-laws.

Answer 9

Your wedding day is only going to be one day of your married life, and the only thing that should make or break it is if, when taking your vows, you should realize that you don't want to be married to this person. Everything else about the wedding doesn't matter and shouldn't be considered a hindrance. As long as you and he end up saying "I do", then the wedding will be a success.

Answer 10

In some cases it might be better if they didn't come. Would you want them to act resentful and bitter to you at your wedding? My hubby's family didn't come to ours, didn't send a card or a present or even really acknowledge our wedding. Yet we still talk to them, because its his choice and its not really my place to make him to make a choice over his family.

But since it is your own family you do have the right to let them know how you feel about this situation. And you also have the right to decide if this is worth cutting them out of your life.