mother 65,who takes money from grandchild who is 12!?

Question

today my son told me that my mother took his allowance he had saved, about 60 dollars. He said she took it to pay the water bill that had been not payed for 3 months!
She is 65 years old and my husband and I moved in and took over paying all the bills and house payments.
I asked my husband about the water bill not being payed, and he told me, and showed me all the reciepts! Nothing has even been paid late! Everything is all payed on time, and we have been supporting her ever since my father passed away 8 years ago.
She is not an invalid, and could get a part time job at least, but
she pays nothing at all! My father had insurance so she gets alot of money from that, and monthly money from the government because my dad was in the army for a very long time. She gets survivor benefits also,but still tells my son to give her money, but not to tell me or my husband about it. My son is a child! He saved up his money so that he could buy what he wants. Do you think this is fair?!

We give her 1500 dollars a month, for her personal needs, and also bought a new car after she wrecked her last one. And we are making an effort to make her comfortable, but I am majorly upset after hearing what she is taking from my son!
She lies to him about us not paying on time, and this is not the first time.
He told me that she has been taking money for the past 3 years, and he was afraid to tell me because she would get mad. ( she told him to keep it a secret)

another thing that i am worried about is slot machines! She used to have a gambling problem when I was a child.
I cant help but wonder if she is doing it again after my father passed away...
If this is the case, I have more problems than I had ever thought! I didnt ask her about it today after I heard what my son had said, but want some advice before i confront her with this situation..

I love my mother but this is very sticky !

Answer 1

You and your husband need to sit her down at once and talk to her about this. She is wrong, but there may be something that you are not seeing. A condition of aging that is not always there, but is effecting her judgment at times. I would let your son know that grand ma is older and makes things up sometime, but she does not need his money and he is not to give any to her. If it continues, place his allowance into a controlled account at your bank. It is free and you or your spouse will need to sign for him to take money out. If you want to you can let good old mom know what she has made you both have to do. This should teach her a lesson in family love and care.
Tracylyn S.

Answer 2

I'd get to the bottom of it...find a nice quiet place when no one else is around and come right out and ask your Mom what's going on. Ask her if she took the money (or if your son spent it on something and would rather blame her). Tell her that if she did take your son's money you could understand that if: 1) she asked first and got approval from your son, and 2) if she had an emergency, but that the water bill has been paid already and show her the paid up statements...then ask what she did really need the money for. 3) since she is living under your roof, tell her that these days she can get a part time job if she needs money, that there are lots of jobs out there right now, like Walmart, Target, Sears, K-Mart, Staples, etc. then watch for her reaction (her eyes, her mannerisms). But don't come right out and do any blaming. figure out what's going on (is it dementia? or does she have a need like medication, something you can solve for her).

If the result is that she did take or thought your son said ok to take the money, then remind her that she needs to pay that back and ask how she intends to repay him.

Don't tell your son how you're handling this (or forever he will have resentment, or think that each time he could put something over on her, or maybe he is doing that so she will leave the house). Just tell your son you'll take care of it.

Answer 3

You need to discuss the situation in detail with a local attorney to see what they think your chances of being awarded custody would be. In order to be awarded custody you would have to prove Mom to be unfit. Even then, Dad is first in line for custody, so if he wanted custody, you’d have to prove him to be unfit too, and the fact that he only pays $60 a month in child support, doesn’t provide a vehicle for Mom (that’s not his responsibility), etc. does not make him unfit. It will be an uphill battle. One that you very well may lose (because it takes A LOT to prove unfitness). And you are correct, that if you lose, you may never see the child again. You said: --She’s “working 2 jobs and doesn't have time for the 4 year old” A lot of parents, especially single parents, have to work 2 jobs, and that leaves very little time for their children. However, that doesn’t make them unfit. --She “got involved in a wreck” I’ve been involved in wrecks too. That doesn’t make me unfit. However, if she were intoxicated at the time and had the child in the car with her, that’s a different story. But I’m assuming that’s not the case, because if it were social services would (should) be involved. --She “has had her vehicle taken away from her” I don’t know what caused that (repossession?), but the fact that she doesn’t have a vehicle does not make her an unfit parent. --She ‘thinks the world of boyfriend’ That doesn’t make her unfit either. --She “is living off neighbors” and “this baby doesn’t have a place to call her own” While it’s certainly not the best/most stable environment for a child to move from household to household, it doesn’t make Mom an unfit parent. As long as the child has a roof over her head at night and they aren’t sleeping in the car… --She ‘drinks’ Many parents drink occasionally. Drinking alone does not make a parent unfit. Now, if she’s drinking in the presence of the child and neglects the child/is unable to care for the child as a result of being intoxicated, then it’s a different story. If so, do you have any proof? The only thing you said that really is *possible* evidence of unfitness is: ‘in the last month the child was attacked by a dog at the babysitter and she is still to this day keeping her’ HOWEVER, that depends on many factors such as exactly what happened/if the child was physically harmed and if so, how badly (I assume it wasn’t bad enough to warrant medical attention, because the doctors would have notified the authorities and social services would be involved)/if steps have been taken to ensure it doesn’t happen again/etc. My personal suggestion--if the child is not in immediate physical danger, then instead of trying to try to take her away from your daughter, work with your daughter on trying to improve the situation.

Answer 4

You need to sit down, just you and your mother and have a heart to heart.

There is more to this than the taking of the childs money. It could very well be that she does not need the money, but feels compelled to have it.

Either way, she should "give" the child his money back and thank him for being kind enough to help her out. She should also promise you that she will never do this again.

After the heart to heart, it may very well be that you would have to move out on your own and allow your mother to function on her own. You will not know that answer until you sit down and talk about the situation.

Answer 5

I would definitely sit Mom down and lay it all on the line. I would tell her that your son has been instructed to tell you anytime she has asked him for money, and that telling him lies and asking him to keep secrets is wrong and will not be tolerated. It sounds as if Mom is provided for very well, it makes me wonder what she would need with his money. I would suggest to her that if this continues then she will have to live somewhere else, and then offer to help her look for a place.

Answer 6

She could have the beginnings of Alzheimer's. Or some other medical reason like a small stroke. My dad started getting pretty goofy around that time, and now he's 83 and completely child-like. But the doctors say it's not Alzheimer's only old age. Have some compassion.

Answer 7

That is about the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. Maybe you should just print this out (with all the answers you will get from people who think she is a skank) and give it to her. Unfortunately, I don't know what else to tell you - I guess I am blessed because my grandparents used to sneak quarters TO me, not sneak money away from me. Maybe she failed grand-parenting school.

Answer 8

wow what kind of grandma is that no disrespect but why would she take money from him if you guys are paying all the bills and taking care of her and still giving her money she sounds money hunger to me and i would confront asap and tell her what she is doing is wrong and if you hear about it again that you will put her in a old folks home ? lol just to scare her a little bit but its wrong what shes doing

Answer 9

fair no, definitly not. its morally wrong to, though you will have to aproach the situtaion with caution you don't want to be storming in there and shouting and holloring, just be calm and rational say you think you left your son's allowance some where and you can't find it, has she seen it? say you where looking after it for him but you don't know where it is? that sort of thing and say oh he told me that he gave it to you to look after or something, i mean i just want to find it.

Answer 10

No that is just wrong taking money from a child thats terrible. she should have known your son would tell you.