Invitation Etiquette: when not to invite a guest without a date...?

Question

My cousin is getting married in two weeks and invited all of the cousins. When we got the invitations all the older cousins were invited & Guest except for myself. I assumed as a 28 year old adult that I was invited with a date. Before responding I even called his mother to confirm and she said of course. Now...less than two weeks before the wedding she called up another cousin complaining that I responded with a date and that this wedding is costing her $200 a plate and that I'm just a kid, etc.; yet there are 18 year olds invited with dates. I just find it a little tacky that a couple who isn't paying for the wedding themselves and whose parent's are extremely wealthy are being so tacky. I never heard of someone my age not being invited with a date. I planned on covering the cost for myself and my guest. What is the etiquette when inviting adults to a wedding? Shouldn't they be invited with a date? And have you ever heard of the cost being thrown out at people? Thanks!

Thanks everyone. The reason I called the mother is because she is who did the invitations and is paying for the wedding, not the bride. I left her another message yesterday saying I'm sorry about the whole situation but would like her to call me so we could talk about it. Instead she called my aunt to tell her to call my mother and have my mother call me to tell me that I am NOT bringing a date. She said the head count is too high. I know that's not true because 10 of my family alone RSVP'd they weren't attending. I've decided not to go. According to the mother my boyfriend of 5 years ago just broke up with me so how serious could I be with someone. Truth is we broke up 2 years ago and yes I have been dating someone for the last 6 months. So at first I'm insulted by being the only one of 9 cousins singled out with no date and now she insulted my relationship. She couldn't even return my calls but rather get more people involved. I fee so uncomfortable...beyond insulted to go.

Answer 1

I would not make an issue - go without the date, or if you want to protest don't go at all.

And to answer your question - YES, it is tacky of them to do that to you, but you have to be the gracious one and accept it.

Answer 2

I wouldnt have assumed i was allowed to bring a guest, unless it was specifically noted on my invitation. Even though you called her mother, the real person you should have asked was the bride herself.

Now throwing out the costs and complaining showed tacky on her part. Even if she wasnt paying she should have came directly to you.

Etiquette states that you should invite a couple by individuals names if not married. If you are living alone, one cannot assume you are coming with a date but some have included that on the invites just in case. Invites for guests are not required, therefore it is up to the couples discretion on who can invite whom.

At this point i wouldnt worry about it. If she doesnt want that extra guest, then so be it. Let her act the way she wants and you just hold you head up. It does assume a lot to think that you had not wanted to bring someone with, but it is only for a few hours.

Answer 3

The decision to limit the number of guests is not completely tacky! It is her right as the bride. The fact that they stated how much your date would cost them was TACKY and should not have been said!
I am however a firm believer that if you can't afford to invite everyone you want to, then maybe you are hosting an event that is a little bit out of your means! I have had friends that were dying to have their wedding at a specific place (really expensive to rent and per guest). In order to be able to tell people that they were getting married at -------, they had to cut out friends and family, they went from a guest list of 200 to like 70. People's feelings were hurt and she later regretted the decision. So just understand that maybe she is just trying to adhere to a budget, and if it really upset you that badly, just don't go at all!
If the subject ever coems up again, I would mention tothem that it hurt you that you weren't asked to bring a guest and that you were offended with how the entire situation was handled.
Good luck

Answer 4

It's a measure used to cut cost. Unfortunatly people do not understand until they are them selves planning an event. The guest numbers easily sky rocket out of control. So I am also restricting which guest can bring a date. If a family member has a serious GF/BF, fiance, or spouse, then they can bring a guest. If they don't well them I'm sorry we just can't afford to spring $50 for a person that we don't know and won't even see ever again. Even if you do cover the cost of you and your date. Weddings have limited seating, so I'm sure the bride would rather have someone she knows occupying that reservation.

Answer 5

When I got married my paprents helped my husband and I pay for the wedding and cost was an issue we aren't extremely wealthy. One way we were able to cut back on costs was only inviting people with guests who were either dating someone seriously or they were engaged. Those I knew who weren't dating anyone did not get an and guest invite. I got this idea from a friend who also did this. I didn't think it tacky and I don't think any of my guests thought it was tacky either. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

28-year-old? Kid? *falls off chair laughing* I'll be 19 on my wedding day, and I'm proud of it!

When you're invited with a date, the inner envelope will say "and Guest" or the RSVP card will have already been marked 2. Otherwise, assume you're not. Many couples choose not to invite non-serious dates for budget reasons. (The same goes for inviting children)

It was, however, very tacky for the per-guest cost to be revealed to you. Just consider it bad taste and forget about it.

Answer 7

YOU are suppose to be allowed a date. Remind the bride or her family that an adult is someone OVER 18. And you are well over 18. Tell her if she respects you, then you will be allowed to invite a date. Weddings are boring if you do not have a man to dance with.
If she doesn't let you bring a guest then remind her of the 18yr old kids bringing guests. Then if she still says no, consider NOT going or giving a gift, I wouldn't.
It is traditional for all unmarried adults to be allowed 1 guest. Or lie and say you are engaged just to bring a date :) hehe

Answer 8

Sorry you are not required to have a guest nor even be offered one to bring. I looked it up, and accourding to Miss Manners this is what she has to say.

"But the innovations that are most widely followed, even by those who resent them, are vulgar, impractical or nonsensical — and almost always expensive. Here are some that Miss Manners refuses to sanction:

That hosts must allow anyone who is single to bring along that ubiquitous person known as "And Guest." And Guest doesn't know the hosts or care about the wedding, and if left at home, would allow the person who was invited to meet someone better disposed toward the occasion."

Answer 9

Your cousin is being very rude. She should have asked you if you were looking to bring a date and just not assumed that because you were currently single and dating that you should not bring a guest to enjoy the festivites with you. You can try calling your cousin and speaking with her so there will be no problems, if she intends to cause a stink ask yourself do you want to go without a date or do you want to back out altogether?

And yes she is tacky for throwing out the cost per plate...

Answer 10

Honestly it doesnt matter who got an additional person invited and who didnt.

The point is yours didnt have an "& Guest" you should not have questioned it and accepted or declined politely. You were quite tacky in doing so, as you put these people in a very difficult position of not wanting to be rude to you, they most likely felt pressured to agree.

It is you who is wrong in the situation, not the bride and groom or the parents.

Answer 11

Sorry but I am going to disagree with most answers here. My feeling is, any adult over the age of 21 should be given the opportunity to bring a date. I understand keeping costs down, but A) it's not a heck of a lot of fun going to a wedding "alone" when you may not know a lot of people and B)Most people know that the wedding gift should cover the cost of the plates. It's a little ridiculous that you are a grown woman and expected to go to a wedding without an escort.