My 15 yr old daughter climbed out her window, went to a party. What should her punishment be?

Question

This happened at her dad's house @ 1130 at night. His 21 yr old nephew came and picked her up and dropped her off with a group of friends @ a store parking lot. They then walked to one of the boys' house where my daughter tells me there was a dad there and all they did was 'watch TV.' I tracked her down the next day @ a girlfriend's house and picked her up--much to her dismay. She said she was planning to hang out with her friend, stay the next night with her and go to school in the morning--no biggie. Although she says the words "I know what I did was wrong", she doesn't appear remorseful. She has had episodes of alcohol consumption while in her dad's care (don't worry--I'm not going to let her stay over at his place anymore!) and I think she has tried out pot and pills. This is a beautiful girl who has the potential to accomplish so much. How do I impress on her that she is on a steep slope to destruction? Whatever her punishment is mine as well as I am the sole enforcer.

Answer 1

Grounding for a month, plus she has to keep her grades up for everything to be lifted

Answer 2

Is this the first time she's done this? If so, be very careful here. I used sneak out of my window when I was a teenager, and it all began right around the time when I was 16. The only tactic my parents used on me was grounding, so once I realized that the worst thing they could do to me was ground me *again* I just kept sneaking out and they kept grounding me. Just one big ugly circle. That's probably an example of how NOT to handle the situation. :-)

Consider nailing her window shut. Sure, it doesn't SOUND very "politically correct", but it'll keep her from sneaking out the window or sneaking boys in. Also: Does she have anything she REALLY enjoys? For instance: does she have a cell phone? Does she spend a lot of time on the computer? Try taking away those things for a week or two. If you're concerned that she won't call to tell you where she is, give her only enough change for a pay phone (so she doesn't have any money for anything).

Most of all make sure you talk to her about the alcohol and drugs. Tell her she has to stay home Saturday night... then get a babysitter (if you have any other kids) and take her out to a movie and dinner. Be open and honest with her.. she's not too young anymore if she's doing what you think she's doing. Did you use drugs in the past as a teenager? Did you drink? Tell her about it! My parents didn't talk to me openly and honestly about stuff like that, even though both had used alcohol and other drugs very liberally in their teenage years. If they had, it might've saved me from dropping out of high school to become a landscaper with a 120 IQ. ;-)

Good luck, and I hope I've helped.. I've been wondering for years how I'm going to confront this problem with my own children.

Answer 3

I sure hope you do not learn the hard way that your daughter has a lot of power at this age. Be very careful of her punishment.
Locking her in her room is a no go. Finding a babysitter for a child of this age is and will be a joke. You can not tie her up, spank her. Give her more chores, Take away things from her (she can still call the cops if it is her personal property and you will be in trouble for this).

Hopefully your daughter does not know or listen in her public school of what she can legally get away with. I learned this the hard way with my older out of control teenager. All a child of this age has to do is call the cops on you.
Talk to her, hopefully it is just a stage. You can not be around her 24/7's neither can her father. Which I might add this is your kids fault not her fathers. You have to learn to give up some of the control and realize your kid is growing up and is going to make stupid mistakes.
Good luck

Answer 4

Suspension of privileges works for a while.

I like the contract. Sit down and discuss what she needs to do to earn her privileges. To be able to play on the computer, she should do the dishes every night. To be able to call on her cell phone, she should fold and put away her laundry and the towels. Or whatever chores you assign. To be able to do anything, her grades should be Cs or higher with all privileges suspended when her grades go below a C.

Help her to understand that nothing is for free and that her chores continue even when she is grounded. If she tries to argue that the chores are for privileges from which she is suspended so why bother to do them, make an effort to provide a treat for doing additional chores.

Part of the discussion should include in-depth explanations as to why she should not be claiming out of a window, why she should not be going places where her parents cannot find her, and other facts of life.

Consistency is the best method for any educational disciplinary tract.

Answer 5

It's a hard one. I have friend who just dont get it that they are drinking and partying waaaaaay too much(16-17 year-olds). I had like a month of that until I at one point realised this all is bloody stupid, why the hell am I doing this?
I think the worst thing is to punish her with god knows what. OK, like she has to clean the house and do her homework, but also got to leave her SOME freedom. She needs have the opportunity to 'chill' with her friends and have fun. Otherwise she'll be angry at you and as soon as she has her freedom again she'll do everything you wouldn't want her to.
I think you should talk to her about it ( dont know how well you get along though), talking about it makes her embarassed about all the stuff. You should also think about the fact that it doesn't matter what you say, if you don't accept her as at least in someways an adult. She'll have to live up to this oppinion from herself. Normal adult people DO NOT drink and use drugs like crazy! It ok to have partys etc but in certain limits!

Answer 6

well, what did your parents do to you when you did the same thing at her age? It just amazes me when i hear the "news" reporting on stuff like teens drinking, smoking, having sex, etc. Its nothing new, it has been going on forever. Im pretty sure that even if you were a perfect model child, you knew some other girls who werent. I guess you are gonna have to ground her, and take away her computer, cell phone, ipod, tv, xbox, or what have you. That is usually the punishment given, what else can you do you cant beat her. I would also suggest that you deal with the fact that she is doing these things, and let her know that it is your job as a parent to stop her from getting away with it, and make sure that she is as safe as can be while she is doing it.

Answer 7

First off, do not punish her by not letting her stay at her dad's house because she has the right to see him. Second, ask her what she feels the punishment should be. Sometimes this makes them feel important in your eyes. The worst thing for a child is to choose their own punishment. Now you as a parent can choose to follow the child's recommendation or choose your own, or also come up with a punishment that you both agree upon.

Answer 8

I think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter. Let her know that you don't think what she's doing is acceptable and that she needs to show more respect for your feelings. Let her know that you love her and don't want to see her get hurt. You do need to be tough with her, but don't forget to let her know you love her. I think probably 2 weeks without phone priviliges (unless it's to call you or her dad) and the loss of one or two other priviliges...as well as being grounded for 2 weeks should do it. Or...if you want to go the other way, you could add to the list of things she has to do instead of taking things away - add to her chores before she can get to do the things she likes. If all of a sudden she has to help clean house or reorganize the closets, that might be a good deterrent. I would definately ground her and have a good long talk to her about how serious it is to start sneaking around and doing drugs/alcohol. Tell her to say no. You might also want to ask her at this time about sex. Ok, I know no parent wants to talk to their kids about it, but you need to find out if she's thinking about it let her know you'd like her to abstain but if she doesn't she needs condoms. Anyway...good luck.

Answer 9

Tricky situation!
I'd probably ground her for a good while (month or so).
Take away her pocket money.
Make her realise she won't be able to get away with these things.
Talk to her about the drugs, not necessarily accusing her but just talk in general about the effects and the consequences. Do the same about the drink.
My dad is a junkie and my step-dad died of alcoholism so I've grown up knowing the effects but some kids never see it for themselves so I guess telling her about it should help.
Good luck! xxxxx

Answer 10

I would consider family therapy sessions before you lose her all together. She may need to talk about what's bothering her deep down inside. A family therapist can help you resolve this situation. Don't waste any time and hurry make an appointment as soon as possible. If you punish her it will only make her more rebellious. I went through a similar situation and family therapy was the best dicision I made. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 11

As a mother, my immediate response is that dad should be shot.

However... realistically, I believe you should call Social Services and report the incident. She is a minor and obviously left unsupervised in her father's home. A social worker will interview you, the father and your daughter, and most likely will want to speak with the 21 year old ADULT MALE who picked her up (contributing to the deliquency of a minor is the least of potential charges for this young man as he clearly did NOT have the permission of either parent to remove her from the home.)

First, you don't allow her to sleep over again and if this is a part of the custody/visitation arrangement, then you take it back in front of Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court and have it adjusted based on the report from DSS and all this information.

Next, you explain to her that while you understand she is not supervised in her father's home, you are disappointed with the choices she's making and she will no longer be given that freedom of choice. The message is "Bad Choice equals No Choice."

Then you need to ground her for two weeks. It needs to be explained to her, very clearly, that if she violates the grounding by sneaking out of YOUR home or is ever caught sneaking out of the home the way she did at her father's, that you will immediately call the police and report her as a missing child or runaway. You will give the police a list of her possible whereabouts and THEY will locate her and bring her home. Repeat offenses will result in repeated police intervention.

Then follow through with it.

I would imagine that ONE incident of being collected by the police, embarrassed in front of her friends, boyfriend, whatever, and then hauled home to receive a lecture by the officer who doesn't want to waste his time on child discipline will likely cool her into just following the rules.

Chances are she's not a bad kid... she's just stretching the limits where she knows she can... and that's Dad's dumb fault.

I'm back to where he should be shot.

Best to you...