I feel like the biggest loser because my daughter has a drug induced mental illness?

Question

and she is 20yrs old... shez been smoking "crystal meth" for 5yrs or more but has blamed me for everything which ever went wrong in her life.... all because I was a bit strict and gave her boundaries, and consequences. Today the police were called to her home for domestic violence and they called me.... when I arrived all she did was spit and cuss me......... what on earth can I do?????? I always thought I was a wonderful mom..............was I wrong, am I really to blame????????

Answer 1

This is a classic 'Addict' ploy to try to blame someone else for their problems.
There are 3 rules when dealing with addicts,
1) if their lips are moving they are lying
2) They aren't always telling the truth
3) They are immature in their behavior.

Amphetamines can do permanent brain damage by rewiring the nervous impulses within the brain. There is only one treatment and that is absolute abstainance!

You are only cabable of 2 courses of action. Either get her to treatment or get her in jail! Either way she is not your problem because the drugs make her not your daughter anymore. You should ban her from your house and make her grow up for herself and allow her to receive the full weight of her consequences as that is her only hope and your only reprieve!

You should go to a 12 step program for yourself so that you can learn to quit allowing yourself to be blamed for her actions and deal with your own problems. Narcanon or alanon are good support groups for this type of problem and the people there have heard everything.

The police visit for your daughter is just the beginning. If she continues, you won't recognize her within another few years and she will age physically. Hold her to boundaries and consequences and for god's sake lock up your valuables and change the locks.

Answer 2

Her version of it and how strict you really were are probably different stories. Its always easier to blame someone else when your scared and embarrassed and angry, all of which she probably was at the time. Your still her mom but you also have the opportunity to be her friend now and support her. If she does have a meth problem you want to get it exposed to the police quickly, its dangerous and she doesn't need to be around it. They can put her in a program to help her get better.

Answer 3

Your daughter must shoulder some of the blame. Pointing fingers at others is not right. Your daughter must seek counselling. Look for a harm reduction program close to where she lives. Until she lets go of the blame and starts to accept responsibility for her actions she will have trouble moving forward in life.

Answer 4

It is so much easier to blame others for our own problems then we don't have to take responsibilty for our own actions.

I don't think my Dad was strict but he was extremelyl protective. When I was young and wanted to go out with friends there were rules to be followed. I had to be home at a certain time and if not he would come looking for me. If he couldn't find me he would send the police looking for me. If I was riding in a friends car I had to tell him who I was with, their licencse plate number, their parents name, address and phone number. I never became hooked on drugs and then try to blame him nor I have blamed him for anything that went wrong in my life.

Being strict doesn't make you a bad mom. Being strict means that you love her and only wanted to protect her.

Meth is a very dangerous drug that changes the chemicals in the brain along with other drugs. People will not be themselves while taken those drugs.

You need to stop blaming yourself for your daughters actions. I have a brother who had always blamed our Dad for everything that went wrong in his life. My Dad did everything he could do for us. He may of been a tad on the excessive side of being protective but I would rather have that then a parent who just doesn't care.

One of my psychology professors made a statement that I really liked. He said even if we had the worse parents in the world we can not blame them for the things we choose to do that end up blowing up in our faces. Your daughter is an adult and it is about time she starts taking responsiblity for her own actions.

Or think of it like this. If we do something good, do we take credit for it? Ofcourse we do. If we screw up which is easier throwing the blame on another or accepting the responsibilty?

Your daughter is messed up right now. Hopefully she can clean her life up and one day realize that she should of been takeing the responsibilty of her actions.

I used to get upset with my Dad because he was so protective over me. I now have a 9 year old boy. I understand why he raised me the way he did. My son made a friend down the block. The friend would come over here and play. I was amazed that his parents didn't come over here to atleast meet me. My child wanted to go down to his friends house to play. I walked down with him so I knew exactly what house he was in and met the parents. I also exchanged numbers with the parents. I know I can't keep him shielded from the world, but I am going to do everything possible to keep him safe. When he is older I may even want to know the licencse plate number.

You tell your daughter that she is an adult and she can start takeing responsibity for her own actions and stop blaming others.

Good luck and don't ever blame yourself. I am sure you are a good mom.

Answer 5

Druggies and many others are so good at blaming others- she is an adult- having boundries and consequences is a sign of good parenting and you did what you thought was best and right- she needs to hit bottom and get help and be responsible for her choices- and does need help- which may be court ordered- take care- I know this is hard- don't enable her to continue the drugs-D

Answer 6

its not your fault peer pressure is big part of it and she needs help meaning ur daughter and u need to do tough love with her and also put your foot down and get her in treatment and let her know she has choises and she continues to do this she needs to move out and she has to go into counseling and detox and stay away from drugs and people shes involved with that introduced her into drugs and does drugs with her and she aint allowed back home or in your home intil then. tell her also all the consquences of her choises and if she keeps making this choises and decisions besides what choises u gave her mention like conditions jail hospitalization psych wards prison and death could where it could head her to if so doesnt stop the drugs and no it isnt your fault inless u were to teach her to do drugs and did drugs around her and allowed her to do drugs which i know wasnt the case. but just saying would of been only way u would of been at fault

Answer 7

None of that was your fault. She made her own decisions.

I know what it's like to have a daughter with mental health issues, because I have an eighteen year old daughter with bipolar disorder. None of it is drug induced, but we have major fights and things can get sort of out of control if she doesn't take her medication.

Also, I have an ex-friend who is a drug addict, a crackhead pretty much, and her kids turned out to be great people.

So, basically you can't blame yourself, once your kids reach a certain age, they are their own person making their own decisions.

Answer 8

Hello............Please stop beating yourself up. Consider this a possibility...........perhaps your daughter, in an effort to feel "normal" began doing drugs because the illness was already there, and her "self-medicating" was her way of dealing with it. This is so very common.......the person afflicted knows that something is going on and will do just about anything to feel good. I speak with experience on this subject, as my daughter is bipolar. Her illness began when she stopped breathing on the operating table during an appendectomy. The child who once was full of life and a straight A student was returned to me angry, irrational, and uncontrollable.She began to drink and do drugs in an effort to feel normal, but this only made her symptoms worse and eventually she wound up needing to be hospitalized. I felt much the same way as you do now. I know that I was a good mother, but I spent the first couple of months trying to find a way to take it all on as my own personal failure. This made me worthless as a caregiver to my girl, when what she needed most was for me to be strong. I made it my mission to find out all that I could about my daughter's illness, and what my role was in dealing with it. I had a very difficult part to play. I not only needed to be nuturing, but had to be the "enemy" and take on her anger when relapses occured and she had to be re-admitted. I had little support from friends and family, her father blamed me, and it took all of the strength I could muster to see her through the first couple of years. One thing I realize now, 7 years later, is that turning a blind eye to how this was affecting me was my only option. I had to stop wondering what I could have done to prevent what happened and just deal with it as best I could. To help myself, I took a 12 week course on mental illness called the Family to Family education program offered by The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill [ N.A.M.I. ] There was no charge for the class and I can honestly say that it saved my sanity and made me a much better caregiver to my girl. Right now it sounds as if your daughter wants nothing to do with you and blames you just like my daughter did. As painful as this is now, there will come a time when your child will thank you for being there for her. My daughter and I are now best friends, she appreciates that I never gave up on her. She says that I am the best mom in the world, and I believe her. Be proactive and love your daughter until it hurts. Good luck to you on your most difficult journey.......when you reach your destination, you will be able to look back and know that you have always been a good mom. Take care......

Answer 9

Absolutely not....your daughter chose this way of life....by setting boundaries, and consequences you did your job....if she felt the need to rebel against the way you brought her up, unfortunately, she chose the wrong path...I just pray to God that she can see what this drug is doing to her and her family and chooses to clean up....I know its' hard, my dad was a heroin addict, and everyone felt they were to blame, I think he chose that path as the easy way out....Don't blame yourself, but see if she'll go for help. Good Luck to you and your daughter...

Answer 10

You can change nothing with being worry about it.If you have done everything for her.why are you worry about? This is the way she has chosen for life without thinking correctly.She is trying to make herself more content and make you cry and feel useless.