How do you learn to trust if .....?

Question

you have been hurt in the past ? my boyfriend of 5 years - i sometimes check his messages and question every little thing he says beucase i am scared to get hurt again or of him cheating. He isnt the one who hurt me but it had an effect on me thats been carried on into this relationship? Advice please

Answer 1

You have to tell yourself that this is a different guy and he's not the same. You can learn from the past but you can't let it rule your future. I've been there. I still deal with it today. I find myself questioning my bf because my ex played major mind games & cheated. I just remind myself that this guy is good and even if he did cheat, I'd know the signs this time and there's no way in hell that I'd let a situation like cheating get the better of me. It takes awhile but you will trust again. Try to judge the person on their character and how they've treated you instead of comparing them to what so and so did and how they might hurt you. Not everyone is out to get ya :) Good luck.

Answer 2

Get.
Thee.
To.
A.
THERAPIST.

You need to get past this or you will sabotage all of your relationships in the future. Sometimes you can actually push a faithful lover toward dissatisfaction, emotional detachment, and cheating if you treat him or her suspiciously, as though s/he has already cheated on you when nothing has happened. It's not unheard of for a partner to think, "Hell, if I've got to do all this TIME when I haven't done ANYTHING, I might as well have the fun of doing the CRIME I'm continually being suspected of, and PAYING FOR here."

Don't make infidelity into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop checking his messages and questioning everything he says - he's NOT the same guy who hurt you. You will only drive him away with your distrust. Seriously, if he hasn't left you after five years of this treatment, the man should win the Boyfriend of the Year Award. He's proved he's willing to be patient with your shortcomings, so now it's your turn to do something for him.

Again,
GET TO A THERAPIST. As soon as possible. If you're still obsessed with possible infidelity after five years, you need more help than you're currently getting.

Answer 3

Hi there.
If you have been with your current boyfriend for 5 years... then you should trust him by now and have gotten over the past hurt! Don't you think you'll hurt yourself in the end if you keep on doing this and he suddenly realizes you dont trust him and then he will leave you because he thinks you don't trust him!? If you hold onto the past hurt it will ruin any future happiness, why not just forgive the past hurt... have you learnt anything from it- in a positive way?- is your current boyfriend better than your previous one? - would you want to still be with your ex? Think about this, then ask yourself again, why aren't you trusting your current. Forgive your past, Focus on making your ever Present, your Happiness!!! All the best! *hugz

Answer 4

You should not live every relationship because of what happened in the past one. You need to have trust because you are gonna end up driving him away with all the questions of insecurity. Quit waiting for him to hurt you give him a chance and let him love you! Remember trust him or he won't be there and that will hurt worse

Answer 5

Geri,

This is a delicate situation that many people go throught. Often times when we want something NOT to happen and you focus all your energy on this, than this will transmutate into reality.

This is called the laws of attraction. For example, when you say "I want this car" than you are putting an idea of what you want into creation, althought, it is not instantly granted. Takes work to build it into reality. But if you say "Its too hard" or "Its too expensive" Than you just thrown a wrench in your positive thinking. Same principle applies.

This is where positive reinforcement comes in. Making small positive steps and affirmation will help you with securing your sense of well being and comfort. Trusting yourself is more of an issue than trusting your present b/f. If you do not achieve a sense of security, than you will alienate him.

In other words "the problem at heart is a problem with the heart"

I am available to listen to you if you need an open ear @ gundam_clan15@yahoo dot com

Answer 6

I am sometimes the same way with my bf as I too have been cheated on in the past. Its the insecurity that gets to you. You have to let go of the past and remember that not all guys are like your ex, if you trust your bf, then you should trust that he will be faithful to you.

Answer 7

okay its been 5 years ya havent caught him cheating so far so maybe you should just let your gaurd down becasue it will put a strain on the relationship for definate, it did to me i was the exact same and i ended up pushing the only person i ever loved away from me because the person before him hurt me you cant let that happen take a chance let go of your insecurities
it will feel like a weight lifted and this gut must love ya if he still answers all your crazy questions and acusations

Answer 8

Give it time. My partner was like that with me so much so that we are now the other way round because I know I am very loyal to him and always have been and he ended up to be the cheat, although I have always managed to catch him out before he did anything, he is a dimmy! He had issues with his previous relationship tho and I was insulted that he would ever tar me with the same brush. It takes time, if he is right for you you will know over time. Actions alway speak louder than words! Trust your gut. xx

Answer 9

It's not easy but you have to let it go. The hurt belongs in the past, don't let it rule you today. Don't let some slime bucket ruin the rest of your relationships. Just tell yourself that you won't let the man who hurt you have any more power over you and allow yourself to be happy. Have faith in your man and trust what he says, otherwise he will get tired of your distrust and bad things may happen.

Answer 10

its understandable for you to this way but, if you keep doing things that tell him you don't trust him its going to drive a huge wedge between you guys. If you feel the need to check his messeges then you obviously think hes a cheater so why are you w/ him? Some things you cant control. Just talk to him about your insecurities..