i'm falling in love with him...he says he doesn't date because of things that have happened to him. he doesn't even trust his family. i've known him for awhile and this is the only reason we are not dating because he can't trust me. i've been drunk once or twice and said something then changed my mind. but i really want to be with him. and now he doesn't think he can ever trust me enough to be with me. how can i make him trust me? i already promised not to drink like that again but i don't want to wait months for him to be able to trust me. it wasn't even big things i changed my mind about (like being ready to go and then not wanting to leave for a few more minutes).
2007-01-21 16:58:47 · 7 answers · asked by anonymous 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
From his point of view, I can tell you that it is a trialsome and long process to accept trust in someone, but it does happen. It is just something you have to be constant about, and nuturing of. Coddle to his insecurities, reassure him all the time that you are the one he can confide him and NEVER, EVER, EVER lie. Even if it is a white lie, any lie can easily dismantle whatever trust he has built up from you. The best thing is just to be honest, sweet, and most of all loving. If even it isn't outwardly given to you in return, that kind of nuturing to a person hurt like your object of affection is something that can melt the coldest of hearts.
2007-01-21 17:18:01 · answer #1 · answered by la mujer 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Most people who are always distrustful don't think that people are reliable. They assume people don't understand and/or care about them and feel they must be on constant defense for people trying to undermine their confidence or interests. And like you said, they have usually learned this through experience. If you want to get these people to trust, you have to prove them wrong. At some time or another, we are all guilty of thinking that our narrow experiences with people represent people as a whole. Show him that he can trust you. If you two are dating, be faithful and loyal and build some degree of predictability into your personality. Ask him questions about himself, and when he opens up, really listen and try to understand him. And if you see that he is having some sort of problem, give him some help, or at the very least your support. I think that any learned pattern of behavior and thinking can be unlearned. But it's not easy. If you really do love and think highly of this guy, maybe he's worth the work.
2007-01-21 17:10:11 · answer #2 · answered by Subconsciousless 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have no control over whether or not someone trusts you.
You do have control over your behavior and being trustworthy is an honorable character trait and will be of great benefit to you and others.
Since you mentioned being drunk and promised not to drink, it sounds like that is an issue for him also. He may have come from a family where alcoholism, active or not, was a factor.
It is wise not to take personally the fact that he cannot trust you; he has confessed that he is unable to trust. SInce he doesn't trust his family, it is likely he has some wounds since childhood and you will be unable to fix them. He must find his own healing.
You may choose to investigate why you are falling in love with someone that has confessed that he is unavailable for a relationship and is unable to trust. This is a recipe for an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
Al-Anon program has helped me to take care of myself and to recognize when I am falling into unhealthy patterns in relationships. Often I have wanted to change people or help them, but only they can do these things for themselves. I am responsible for myself and my behavior.
Kind regards.
2007-01-21 17:22:15 · answer #3 · answered by teach_empathy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should move on to the next guy. He will probably never trust you and rightfully so. You broke his trust, and can never be trusted again. It's like lying. Once you lie, you're a liar forever. It can't be erased. And if you lie, you will probably lie again. Leave the guy alone. He has high principles-good for him-don't ask him to compromise them.
M
2007-01-21 17:09:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you cant make someone trust if they dont, you can only let them
know that you are a trustworthy person that they can trust, a lot
of time it your actions say more then what you say. but as you
stated you drinking and saying thing that may be a problems
as well. if you want his trust then show him. then he will
trust you but it will take time for him to do that but if you really
love him as you say, then be there for him. it will work it self
out in the end. good luck to you.
2007-01-21 17:04:53 · answer #5 · answered by luckystar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gaining trust is time-consuming effort. The belief of such people can take some time to heal.
aLSO IT WOULD GIVE YOU A CLEAR IDEA WHETHER THE PERSON YOU ARE PURSUING IS RIGHT OR NOT.
2007-01-21 17:03:25 · answer #6 · answered by ramesh c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just be yourself, if he accepts you good, if he doesn't too bad. No one is worth making yourself over for, usually the make over doesn't last, as it is not the true you.
Above all else be true to yourself.
2007-01-21 17:05:07 · answer #7 · answered by older mum 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋