I have placed my child up for adoption, what have I done wrong?

Question

I am a 19 year old single mother, who has been depressed ever since the birth of my child. I have tried to love her and nurture her the way I am supposed to but I end up in tears. I work and go to school to become a I do take care of my responsibilities, but yet I feel like Im holding dead weight and it never seems like I'm doing enough. My parents adore my daughter and they watch her while I work or go to school, but when I return home and in the presence of my daughter I immediately feel troubled and emotional. I have tried for the longest to find the missing feelings for my daughter, but I can't. There's times where I look at her and just don't understand what went wrong, I dont feel the love for her that I am supposed to and Im tired of trying. It's frustrates me and it kills me inside to know that she is such an innocent beautiful gift that I cant appreciate. I needed to give her a good home and environment, so I decided to sign her over to my parents, What do you think?

I want to thank everyone for commenting. I do appreciate and respect every comment posted. So plz feel free ....

I understand some might think I'm selfish, but 'am I really selfish when I'm doing what's best for her?

My daughter is 20 months and I have not signed her over yet, we are in motion of that process.

As for my doctor I have an appointment with her on Wednesday and I really hope she can help me because I do feel like sh!t.

It's such a terrible feeling, especially when you feel like your a failure. :( ... I want the best for my daughter, and it's something I can't give her.

Answer 1

I know what you are going thru your doctor can help you alot of parents go thru it it is depresion and it can be helped i was the same with my son so i called the doctor they got me on some pills he is 6 months now and im off i love my son more than anything in this world now i think giving up your rights were bad because you will regret it soon but atleast its your parents who have her and you can still see her

Answer 2

I think you are trying to hard. And putting too much pressure on yourself.

You need to see the doctor and see a qualified counseller before you take such a final step of giving your child up.

You are under enormous pressure - talk to your parents, try and cut down on what you are doing and perhaps spend a few "nice" days with your daughter without responsibility - ie go to the park, swimming things you can enjoy together.

I am 29 and am working and studying with a 4 year old and my husband is away in the army. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and as is I am doing everything wrong.

You do love your daughter "that innocent beautiful gift" and perhaps some time out would help.

Good luck - I truly hope that everything works out for you and your daugher x x

Answer 3

I think you are dealing with clinical depression. Either post partum or just plain ole depression. Those are completely treatable with medication.
If you want to use something more natural than Rx drugs, I take a multi vitamin with minerals, a B complex with extra C, and up to 300 mgs of 5HTP a day. That works for me better than the Paxil or Prozac they put me on, and there is no withdrawal if I miss it for a couple of days.
There is abook called The MOod Cure by Julia Ross. Most libraries have it. If you have food cravings, she also has a book called The Diet Cure. There are tests to see where your body is deficient, and which supplements you may need to take.
Those two books have really and truly improved my family's life. Talk to someone, get some help. It sounds like you are so depressed. Signing your daughter over is something that is permanent. If you haven't done it yet, wait. If you feel you need to do something, give them TEMPORARY custody until you can get your head on straight. Give it a time limit, say 3 months. If it is depression, and you get meds and some counseling, 3 months will be enough time to make a difference.
I wish you luck. I've been a 17 year old with a new born, PPD, and a really nasty family situation came out of it. I know where you are, because I've been there, or at least close to it.
I really and truly wish you well.

Answer 4

You haven't done anything wrong, looking after a baby and doing all the other things lik work and school are hard. I believe that you do love your child as you are considering what is best for her in everything you do. I don't think you should sign her over to your parents just yet. Give it time if you can it's seems like they are supporting and helping you. Get some help from your doc for Baby blues and in time I think you'll feel better and then if you still think it's the right thing then go ahead. But you must prepare yourself for the emotions that may follow for years from your daughter and yourself. Take care

Answer 5

Are you sure that you dont have post natal depression? Many people have had experianced this, so maybe a chat with your doc will help. Also have you considered councelling for you and maybe your daughter too? Being a single mum is very hard, i have 2 kids with no help from my family, and am also a student, and i know how down you can feel sometimes. Have a good talk to your doc and see what he thinks. If all else fails, then you have to consider how your child will feel when she eventually finds out the truth in years to come. The fact that you are worried about her enough to ask this question, means that you do care for her. Good luck, hope you do what you feel is the best after you have explored councelling or PND

Answer 6

Like you i am a 19yr old single mother who works. I cant say i know what you are going through because when my son arrived into this world nothing else mattered to me and i could feel the love growing for him every day. Maybe you were doing to much. I have my son during the day. then Monday to Thursday i work 5pm till 12! I have to admit it is hard work. You do school as well! That's worse than me. Did you never consider giving school up? If in the future when your daughter was in school then maybe you could of looked at your options again and started studying. I know it must of been the hardest thing you have ever had to do because i could never ever give my son up for love nor money. If your parents are willing to support your child then what more would you want? In a good way, your daughter will always have you around. In a bad way, this may course arguments between you and your parents. You being around and watching her learn new things, create her own personality and giggle at the most daftest things could hurt you a lot knowing what you have given up. I hope it works out for you

Answer 7

You havent done anything wrong! The role of the mother is stereotyped, that is to say, that everyone immediately assumes that because you are a mother, you will automatically have maternal instincts....this is a fallacy! The fact that you have chosen your parents to adopt your daughter, shows that you are caring and loving. This way, you can still keep your daughter in the family and have her nearby to monitor her progress. You have not totally abandoned your daughter. You have done your best to do what you feel is the right thing for her.
Ignore the moralists who try to preach that you are the mother, therefore, you should be bringing your daughter up!
Let your parents give your daughter the love and nuture that you feel you cannot give. Your feelings may change in time. Your daughter will come to understand the situation; and I am sure she will appreciate your reasoning behind leaving her with your parents. You have done the right thing for you and her. You could have carried on trying to 'love' her and you may have ended up resenting her. This could have affected her more. I hope that, over time, you will be able to build a relationship with your daughter through your parents.
I wish you all the best! :o) x

Answer 8

I am very sorry you are having these emotional problems, as a young single mother things can be very hard, trying to work, become educated, living life, and also trying to raise one all on your own. Perhaps the problem is that when you look at your daughter you see the burden she has become in your life, as opposed to the beautiful creation she truly is. If you fully believe you do not appreciate her right now, and are unfit to take care of her, it seems like the best idea for your parents to take care of her, if they are willing. Try to look at it in a way that you are lucky that you have the opportunity to give her up and not to a complete stranger, not having to worry about never being able to see her again, and knowing she will be in good hands. Maybe once you are older and more mature, you will realize how beautiful she truly is, and why you should appreciate her.I truly hope you and your daughter both go on to live happy and loving lives, even if you do not end up being the one to raise her personally, it is your decisions that will have affected her life and making her whatever she is.

Answer 9

Your parents can help out while you seek professional help. You may have post-natal depression, and it may have developed from problems preceding the birth of your child.

You should take the time to notice that you clearly do care a great deal about your daughter to even be thinking the matter through in this way.

I don't have any children but i have had depression, and I know how much it can affect relationships with people you love, even how much love you feel for them. What you're going through can be dealt with, and as it is your parents that will be looking after your child and you'll still be near, you will be able to be the mother you want to be when you have learned to deal with it.

You already sound like a good mother to me, just one that is really struggling with some very difficult feelings. I hope things get better for you.

Answer 10

It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed and maybe even have post-partum depression, which is very, very common. If the adoption has not been finalized yet, I would suggest seeing a therapist for possible treatment. And perhaps once things get straightened out you will feel differently toward your daughter.

If the adoption process has already gone through, I think it's wonderful that she is with your parents. At least this way, you will always be a huge part of her life and she will always know who her mother is. Had she gone to strangers, that may not be the case.

Either way, it sounds like you have nothing but your baby's VERY BEST interest in mind and I am sure you will get though this. But it will take help to do so. Don't neglect your mental and emotional health in all of this. Please get help. I really hope it works out for you. Take care.

Answer 11

I know it is hard ;the disconnect sounds like you have some type of depression..Usually people who are depressed start to disconnect from the world and especially from those who are closest to them..
Now if this is the case then depression is self consuming which may make a person act selfishly even though that is not the intention ...
What I ask you to do is go see some one (a professional)
before you go and put her up for adoption.Dont do anything drastic please for your sake and the sake of your daughter who will come and ask you why? To be quite honest with you the things you are saying sounds like classic depression..
Another thing to remember is that you have to think of this girl with all the sexuall physical and mentally abused children out there ,there is a huge possibility that she will be one of the abused and again you are not there to protect her.
I hope all is well
and you get help
PhD forensic psyschology