i want another child and he doesn't?

Question

I resent not having more children. We have two of our own and he has a daughter who lives with us as well. Ages are 12,6 and 4. I have lived with wanting more (2 or 3, but would compromise with 1) for over 2 years, but my husband hasn't. I realized back then that u shouldnt force a child on someone else so i accepted his decision. I got out of the house,studied and started a career. Got a cat n took up a hobby that takes me out of the house one night a week. I even tried counselling. I think I have done all the right things to accept this decision and move on with our lives but nothing has worked! What else can I do? A month ago he told me that he realized that I have tried hard to change the way that i think and i am still unhappy with that aspect of our lives(even though he knows i try to hide it), and that he will change his mind to make me happy, because he realizes what this means to me. Should I get pregnant? I don't want him to resent me. He is a great father and hubby

Answer 1

This appears to be a no win situation.

You are grieving for another child and resent him for it
(you are not very good at hiding your feelings since he's
already called you on it). You both need to have a serious discussion about it and be totally honest with each other.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You can't get pregnant just because he agrees with you at the moment. It is a life changing decicion. You have three children at home already. If you want more, I can't see why you needed a cat and to take up a hobby. It should be fulfilling raising the children you have. Think about him and the financial responsibility. And maybe he is overburdened by the extra child as it is that doesn't belong to him. You have to consider his feelings too. You could spend more time involving yourself in your children's activities and encouraging other things such as Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, extra curricular sports, etc. This should keep you busy enough. And once these children get older, life would be tougher with a baby around, or a younger sibling when the older ones need you as well. Life doesn't quit at toddlerhood. The support is needed through elementary school and pre-adolescence (especially). And the 12 yr old will need you a lot more before long. A baby will make the 12 yr old feel alienated because babies take up a lot of time and attention. Just think about all the things that could be great....wanting another child could sound selfish if you think about all the things the rest of the family will need from you with or without the new baby.

Answer 3

This is a hard one. You need to sit down and really...I mean really...talk to your hubby. You need to figure out what makes you want another child. You need to find out what are his reasons for not wanting another. I really think you should think deeply about this. Do you want another child because you feel you have more mothering to do on this earth? Or do you just need something to give you the warm feeling that a baby gives you? Does your husband not want more because he feels like his family is the right size? Or is it a money thing? is it a fear thing? Is it an age thing? You both need to find your reasons for wanting what you want. Once you talk over your truly deep feelings about this subject you will both know what is the right path for you to take as a couple. No one on the internet can know and understand you and your family better than you and your husband. He is the one you should be talking with. Good Luck

*tip- each of you make a list pleading your case so to speak. You list all the reasons you want a baby, he lists all the reasons not to. Then compare. Maybe this will help you understand each others point of view better. Also make sure you have this talk when you have no interuptions (send the kids to Grandmas or a friends) and have a really good talk. You might be surprised at what you learn about each other

Answer 4

I would give it a little while to make sure he is sure. You have done so much work to deal with things, maybe you will realize that you don't need another child, just the willingness of your husband. Try some counselling with him if you are afraid that he will change his mind and resent you. Then make a decision together. He could sincerely mean it, but you don't want him to change his mind and feel resentful later, so you should give it a couple of months.

Answer 5

I have a friend who's in the same situation.

She thinks since she would like another child, the primary responsibility of birth control shouldn't fall on her. She thinks if her husband is really sure that he doesn't want any more, he should get a vasectomy.

I kind of agree with her.

It's a hard thing to figure out. They have two kids, and before the first one, her husband always said he didn't want any. And now he's the proudest, most involved daddy ever. So she isn't sure how seriously to take him when he says no way to another one.

Answer 6

no one wants to feel unwanted. thats what that baby will feel and will find out ones hes old enough. keep respecting your husbands decision and instead of thinking about yourself, think about whats best for that child.... a child thats loved and wanted by both parents, not just by one. I wouldn't do such a selfish thing to a child. Even if your husband agrees out of pressure, thats no way to bring a baby into this world. He will resent you because he told you over and over in the begining he doesn't want a child and just like he said, he'll only do it to make you happy, what about the baby? If I were you, start thinking really hard about leaving this man and find another who wants to have kids with you, or stay with him and make his life miserable. you might as well because theres no point in staying. you have different goals than him. you'll only make his life miserable, period. you said you've tried everything you could to take that out of your mind...I'm sorry but I think you are full of crap. anybody that puts their mind into making something happen, it will happen. you didn't try to change your mind, you were looking for someone to agree with you and thats exactly why you are asking this question here. why would you ask strangers that don't know you or your husband personal questions? have you even ask your husband how he feels, probably not because you are too busy thinking about yourself. marriage is 2 people, not one. when you're not one, you won't be able to make a decision together at all. this might sound weird but you might wanna try and pray about it if its that hard. who cares if you never prayed before in your life. try it and see what happens. clear your mind then ask that you'll be guided and that the right answer will be revealed to both of you, ask for peace of mind and thank him God for a wonderful and patient husband you have. Be thankful for all you have, your husband, your kids and for life. I think you are old enough to know what to do. if its suppose to happen, it will happen. it comes naturally without force.

Answer 7

whats his reason for not wanting another child? if he said it would be okay with him then why not. it is a major decision and you should both agree but if it makes you so unhappy maybe you need to ask yourself why you really want another child in the first place? since you had to go to counseling for it it must really be a big deal to you which says to me that there may be another reason like you to have drifted apart and you think it will bring you close together again. who knows just do whats best for all of you. good luck

Answer 8

we have 3 kids and my husband wanted to stop and i wanted more after heaps of talking and thinking we decided a simple rule

if there is one no then the answer is no - to push your partner into something they really dont want is unfair you have two beautiful children try and be content with what you have

i tried to look at it like this - the father of my kids is a great dad but by pushing him into more then he could handle it may have made him an average or poor father as he would not be happy

i am happy with my babies and love them all but without my husband i would not have them so i put him first - look i know it is hard i just last night put my youngest into a big bed for the first time and it hit hard but look after your relationship and you will thrive

Answer 9

Communication dear. I would straight up tell your husband how you feel. Does it bother him because of the financial aspect of it? Men have a tendency to look at another child differently than women do. You need to tell him that you want another child. Why you want another child, etc. but please don't be dishonest and go behind his back and get pregnant. That has to be the ultimate betrayal for it just to be your choice. If you talk to him and he still doesn't want another child. Then you are going to have to accept his answer.

Answer 10

Resent you???

You don't use another person to get pregnant. And a child isn't a THING to be had, so don't treat having one like it is. You'd be lucky if he only resented you should you get pregnant without him consenting to it as well.