My Mother died, how do I know if I am mourning her best for my own health?

Question

I am a 33year old married woman and my Mother died just before Thanksgiving 06, I miss her terribly of course but I just go on with 'normal' everyday life now, not because she would want me to, but because what else can I do? I never really took time to 'grieve or say goodbye in my own way'. Dad and I did all the caregiving for her at home (about 6 months of it), until the morning she let go. Am I ok? It seems like I should be balling or taking time off from life to do some sort of greiving process or SOMETHING...

Answer 1

There are different stages to grief. Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote a book called "On Death and Dying" you should check out. It's full of information on the 5 stages of grief. You may not be "feeling" anything significantly yet, but allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come your way. You may or may not experience all five stages. You also say you were her care-giver (at least part time). This could indicate that you have already undergone much of the grieving process as you saw her declining. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are making it through okay.

Answer 2

You have received a lot of really good answers about this so far and they are all "right on the money", especially the one about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. If you can get a copy of her book and read it, you may feel better.

My own "2 cents" of advice is something that I heard on a radio show yesterday that made a lot of sense to me. Go for a LONG walk and talk to your mother, just as though she were at your side walking with you. You will see a sign that Mom is with you--it could be a beautiful tree, or a bird singing, something that will get your attention.

I have done this form of exercise in the past when I've had trouble expressing feelings or letting go of a loved one that has passed and it really worked for me. This can be a way for you to say "goodbye", if that's what you want to do. I believe that you will come back from that walk feeling much better.

You are MORE than okay. You are a caring, sensitive lady who loved her Mom. She knows this.

Please accept my condolences.

All will be well.

I hope this helps you.

God bless you and your family.

Answer 3

Not nessary , as you said you and your father was her care givers, so you knew how bad she was doing and how she was feeling , you saw her at her worse times, and so when she finally let go, well you were already ready for that to happen, you knew it was coming, and you had already prepared for it, so you go on with your every day life. You need to do that, When you are ready you will grieve your mother in your own way, you just may not be ready for it yet, or it may not of had an really bad inpack on you yet, and it may never have that bad impack, you were her care giver, and you saw the pain and suffering that she went through, and so, you know that she has gone to a more better place, and someday you will see her again.

Answer 4

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are probably not quite as stricken as you think you ought to be, because you and your father had to watch the slow decline, and as such, you had the opportunity to adjust to the eventuality of her passing.

Also, have you ever lost anyone tremendously close to you before your mother's passing? Some people (either consciously or unconsciously) are exceptionally stoic about the entire life/death process; you may be one of them.

If you really think that there's something "wrong" (which I personally don't think there is), then you can always book a session or two with a counselor and ask them if this is normal.

Answer 5

I understand what you're saying. I've had the same experience recently. I think when we come to "know" our loved one is dying, we accept it and that is part of grieving. Missing her is part of grieving. Writing about the experience is part of grieving. It's all related. Do you remember how you felt when you first started to see she wasn't going to get better? You were grieving. If you did all you could, it's ok to go on and enjoy your life without any regrets. Our mothers never really leave us. They're right in our hearts and at our shoulders. They know we miss them. So don't feel guilty because you're not walking around crying or flogging yourself. "Normal" is good. You might find yourself crying later on and missing her. I did alot of that before my mother even died because I knew it was going to happen. I miss her very much, but I know she's ok. Godloveya.

Answer 6

You grieved when she died. You grieved when she was buried.
Now you miss her. You sound okay to me. I am so sorry for your loss. If you are really concerned then talk with a counselor.
Write a poem about your mother, some special memories you
are clinging to, put a special memorial tribute to her in the
newspaper when it has been a year. Everyone grieves in their own way. Sounds like you are dealing with it just fine.
Now spend time with your dad and build more memories to
cherish.

Answer 7

your normal,everyone greives in their own way,since you were doing a like hospice care for the last few months,you were already grieving and preparing yourself,whether you know it or not.Ive been through a lot of deaths in my family over the last 10 years,Dad,Grandpa,step grandmother.and two great aunts,all of whom lived nearby and I helped with my Mom to assist them with the care for the dying.The hardest one was my little brother dying last sept,at the age of 39,I still havent been able to get past it completly,we were only two years apart and I miss the dumb SOB alot,he was an alcoholic.but back to you,days will come when you cant understand why you feel so down,days it will hit you,right now feel blessed that your handling it well and dont feel guilty,your Mom wouldnt want that,I feel for your loss,and am sorry your life has come to this moment of time

Answer 8

It sounds like your mom was sick before she died, if you knew it was just a matter of time then you probably did most of your grieving before she died. Don't worry, you are allowed to grieve in your own way and no one has the right to question that. You know you loved her so how ever you are dealing with it is the right way.

Answer 9

sorry for your loss. maybe you did a lot of the grieving while she was sick? my mom was sick for 8 months and when she died i felt very sad and i miss her to this day (25 years later) but i am not sure i grieved the same way as when there were other more unexpected deaths that i have had to deal with.

Answer 10

It was 3 yrs ago when my father died I showed no emotion or very little..it was 2 yrs later that I completely broke down....everyone has a time...yours isn't time yet....but you will..trust me.