I have a 20 yr old "bonus" child. I've raised her since she was five. We had a decent relationship, things were going really well and all of a sudden she sends an email spewing all sorts of hatred, that she doesn't believe in God (we are a very Christian family), that she was abused (which never happened), and she is trying to pit my husband and I against each other. I have done nothing but love this child as if she were my own since I got her, we've always had a good relationship and this came out of the blue. I love her dearly, but she has 4 younger brothers she is trying to negatively influence, even going as far as telling our 15 yr old to emancipate himself from us. This all happened this past weekend, prior to this she was our pride and joy. Now we aren't sure what to think or what to do. We try to talk to her, she screams profanity in the phone and won't listen. Her allegations are made up. What could this be and how do I handle it?
2007-01-21 14:19:34 · 29 answers · asked by Hollynfaith 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
We don't think it's drugs, as we just found out she was pregnant as well. This is totally out of character for her. How does one end up so angry and bitter over things that never happened?
2007-01-21 14:20:47 · update #1
She was definately not abused. She was the only girl out of all the kids (4 boys) and she was spoiled imenesly. She lives in Idaho, we live in WI. The last time we talked to her was shortly after New years's and she was her normal chipper self.
2007-01-21 14:37:21 · update #2
Given that there is so many MILES between where you are and where she is at, the fact that you don't specify whether or not she is married (and I will assume for the time she is single), she is 20 yrs old, PREGNANT, and in another state far from home.
This sounds not just like anxiety over the fact that she is VERY YOUNG, Alone and Pregnant ...
You may think that she is NOT into drugs or alcohol or addictions ... but is sure seems that this 'all of a sudden change' can be caused by some addictions .. also can be happening because she has been left alone, dumped, or abused in HER OWN RELATIONSHIP ....
I think at this point, you need to protect your OTHER younger children from this older daughter .. and yes, that is a concern. There is a way to protect them .. if she is doing this via e-mailing (just block her e-mail address), if she is doing this via you picking up the phone (get an answering machine), but don't provoke her at this time. Listen, put the phone down, do other things, but let it be.
As far as you and your spouse go .. you BOTH need to sit down and figure out how you TWO are going to handle this extreme of a change from your 20 yr old daughter. BOTH of you need to be consistent, and yes, this is TOUGH LOVE .. which means that she laid down and conceived that baby ... so now she is going to have to deal with the relationship/one night stand and have to make a decision on the future of HERSELF and HER Baby. THAT is the ADULT Consequence of an Adult Action ... and she has a VERY SERIOUS ONE (which is why she is most likely reacting the way she is now).
2007-01-21 15:14:08 · answer #1 · answered by sglmom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, don't give up on her. She is mad, scared and confused...not to mention all the hormones going nuts...if she is indeed pregnant. She is probably convinced that you will hate her and leave her since she has obviously gone against all you taught her by getting pregnat. And where is the father in all this? Did he leave her? Has she been abandoned by him as well? If you can, go to her. Just go and let her know how much you love her and need her and want to be there for her. It sounds like she is trying to drive you away before you get a chance to leave her....she needs a big hug...not a lecture. Like you do with a two year old that is totally out of control and having a temper trantrum she knows just how to hurt you the most. And this is when she needs you the most. Good luck and best wishes...
2007-01-21 15:00:26 · answer #2 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well, spoiling isn't good for people, if by spoiling you mean you gave her so much she couldn't appreciate it and you didn't hold her accountable.
however, her personality was formed by 5 and she likely has attachment problems and is incapable of separting healthily from you, as would be the normal task for this age.
If this all happened this weekend, maybe she's come to some independent ideas on religion. if you are a very christian family, well, i've seen that mean a pretty abusive family, even tho the parents think they're all cool. so who knows?
i do know that the story of creation in genesis is a direct copy of the egyptian creation myth and that moses was a priest in a monotheistic egyptian cult before the pharaoh that led it was overthrown. i know that joseph is from the house of david, not mary, so is jesus of the house of david or the son of god?
in other words, christianity has at its core the critical and lovely ethic that we should treat others as we treat ourselves, but the great ethic is all wrapped up in myth, myth, myth.
let's face it, telling kids that the earth is 6000 years old and that dinosaurs are a devil's trick is extreme child abuse.
2007-01-21 14:53:33 · answer #3 · answered by t jefferson 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
From what you've described it sounds like an unexpected unforeseen event started to unfold over this past week. You definitely need to get some professional counseling so that your concerns can become recorded. I would also suggest you speak to your church pastor. You say no drugs are involved but the behavioral changes you've described fir the profile of a substance abuser. whether it is alcohol or drugs...now she's pregnant ? How old is she? . If, she making false allegations sooner or later you can expect some one to intervene whether it's the local police or someone from child protective services...To protect you and your family Call & make an appt with a trained Psychologist--- either through your health plan provider,, county agency or church referral. It sounds like things make get worse before they get better. God bless you & give you strength to work throught is difficult time !
2007-01-21 14:32:53 · answer #4 · answered by Brains & Beauty 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
OK, how do you know that she wasn't abused? I'm not being ugly here....just serious. We don't know everything thing that has gone on in our children's lives.
Maybe she remembered something that she repressed. I was abused by a babysitter's husband at the age of 7 and repressed it for 8 years. I completely "forgot" about it until I was into my 15th year. Something triggered that memory and I went nuts. I went to my parents with it and they had NO IDEA that had gone on. In fact, they questioned me on it and that's NOT what I needed at that time.
You can't condemn her for not believing in God. I'm a Christian so don't judge me here. I know from previous experience that when you're in a bad place, which it sounds like she is, you tend to turn away from God and blame him for everything bad that happens to you. I figure that she's only saying that to get you riled.....she knows how that would upset you.
As a Christian, you have to love her even if she chooses to turn away from Heavenly Father. All you can do for her is pray and hope that she makes the right decisions.
I did that as a young woman. I told my family that I was an Atheist (as inwardly I waited for the bolt of lighting to strike me) just to make them mad. It sounds like she's angry over something and she'll say or do anything to make you angry. You'll just have to love her and ignore her outbursts....b/c she wants you riled and the best thing you can do is ignore the angry outbursts and tell her that you love her.
Talk to your other children and tell them not to judge her but to keep an open mind with her. Tell them to remember that what she says....might not be totally true. Tell them to love her but to use their good judgement with her.
I remember being the angry teenager and young woman. Now that I have 4 children of my own.....I'm dreading when they get that age. Good luck to you and I hope that she finds peace.
2007-01-22 01:03:00 · answer #5 · answered by The Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hmmm, I suggest strongly that you get in touch with a professional about all this.. there is now an inocent child to think about..... Intervention is hard and can get messy, but she is your child so I assume she is worth your time and effort ??? I have some friends whos son woke up one day and thought he was and is the chosen ONE, JESUS and a prophet, he is *sigh* for all intense and purposes just another person he was 3 yrs ago.. parents can only do what we can do, we can NOT heal them or change them, no matter how bad we want to, and prayer is the ONLY thing we CAN do, so PLEASE PRAY !!!!! and get the help that girl needs NOW !!!! God bless
2007-01-21 14:33:14 · answer #6 · answered by Annie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK what you have here is a very scared young woman--she is striking out at you and the family because her life is going to hell(pardon the phrase) in a hand basket--and she sees the family life she has left behind as a very much still happy one--If she continues to act out then treat her as you would any other adult outside the home--do not allow her to poison the children or your self--that is not fair to anyone--tell her that if she needs help and you have the resources to help you will do so --but only on your terms--and that is that she acts respectfully--at all times--
2007-01-21 14:29:15 · answer #7 · answered by skizzle-d-wizzle 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
She might be a lycanthorpist.
Some people change during times of the year, or full moons.
I would give her time to vent then ask her whats going on.
She might just be going a little crazy for no odd reason.Some people do that you know.
2007-01-21 15:07:29 · answer #8 · answered by Ashley 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What is a bonus child?
How do you know she wasn't abused before you started raising her How do you know it isn't drugs if she doesn't live near you and you don't see her regularly? If she doesn't live with you, how can you know what's been going on?
2007-01-21 15:11:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter is mad at herself.. and she hates that fact. my father always told me when i did somthing foolish and developed and attitude making eveones life worse. i did it because i had noone else to be mad at but myslef because i am responsible for my own actions. you and her need to have a talk face to face and help her out because as far as shes concerned she just ruined any future she had. mabe take her to a parenting clinic for Her to see her alternatives other than having an abortion because god is pro-choice and a young girl in distress takes the easy way out
2007-01-21 14:28:23 · answer #10 · answered by THe mann 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋