My husband and I left our families and moved to another state...?

Question

he doesn't want me to have contact with his sister- in-law, because we "left our lives" there and started over. His brother(s) were into drugs, and he was too at one point, but quit all of it when he met me. We have a child together, and are doing good now. I am very good friends with his sister-in-law, but he still doesn't want them to know where we are, and doesn't want me communicating with her, I am not really sure why. Should I respect his wishes, or keep doing what I have been doing, emailing her and talking to her that way--although I NEVER disclosed our location to her ( he doesn't want them moving here to "sponge" off us, bring their bad habits here etc)??? BTW she doesn't use drugs, and both her and his brother practically raised him because his mom picked her boyfriends over her kids after she divorced their dad (6 kids total--I only talk to two of the s.i.l.'s and two of the brothers), then his mother was murdered in 1992 by a gunman on a rampage. What to do???

When his mom was murdered it divided the family, and the sis-in-law was one of the family that he was in contact with but I don't know if it is because of the memory or not, the drugs etc? Any ideas

Answer 1

You made the decision together to start over with a clean slate. Respect his wishes, as you must have shared them when you made the choice to move. You are a team and have to stand by your promises and support each other. If you go against the mutual decision, you will put a strain on the trust he has for you.

I suspect that in time, he will loosen up on his opinion. He may currently feel that he needs to completely separate from the past and his family in order to deal with the pain and difficulties you left behind. As he becomes more secure in your new lives, and in your relationship, and in his sobriety, he will very likely become more willing to re-establish ties with those family members who have been supportive of him in the past.

Answer 2

The truth is it can be really hard to get over this all. The best thing to do is find a counselor that will allow for a sliding scale. Many go as low as 7 dollars a visit. A religious leader also might be willing to help for free or an even lower charge. You need to work through this. I only had to look at all my ex was to know that leaving him was the right thing to do. It never was that difficult for me since I made the choice. I'm not sure why you saw anything worth staying over?? He didn't work, so he never paid the bills anyway. What's new with that? Doesn't get to decide he doesn't want to be a father anymore and you need to try to impress him on that subject. Unfortunately getting married at that young of an age makes the probability of divorce all that much higher. Most come to a breaking point and realize they never got to grow up in the right way and revert back to a teenaged state for a bit. Most will grow out of that stage in a simply year or two. Hopefully it goes quickly for him. In the mean time try to get close to family again and ask for their help. If you have friends who say they will help and listen, take them up on it. Lean on anyone you can for now until you can work through all of your emotions. Real friends don't mind being leaned on because they know you'd be there for them if they needed it. It can also help make a good friendship great and make it closer by leaning on each other. You don't have to let go, he left. The truth is there is nothing to hold because it's gone. Look at your home and look around... he's not there. he is gone. So you can now accept that the only thing you are holding onto is hope, and that's not such a horrible thing to hold onto. Who knows.. maybe after he's had a year or two of being really stupid, maybe he'll wise back up and know what a huge mistake he made. There is nothing to lose by hoping, and the only real thing it will cause is maybe hurting for a little longer than with no hope left. Either way you are going to be in pain for awhile. As for me, I'm more rational than emotional in times like those. I work to find the good in any situation. I know it's hard to see that your kids don't have the father in the home anymore. but the good side is he is not there to teach them to sit around on your behind and not work. Now you can teach your children what should really be done. I always rationalize it. That's how I have always coped.

Answer 3

That is the best thing you both did. My mother was on drugs and what every else. Are you happy?

Sorry, to her about his mother.
This is where your help come from pray that you both get strong and to stay married because that is an wonderful thing. I wish I had some one to talk to then but i was not strong. I let my family brake my married up. I wish I was still married I don't know to the same man but married. He knew what was wrong with the life that my mother gave me and he was hard on me. I tell you the truth if I had to do it all over again I would.

To tell you make it work pray for the family and go on with your new life. Keep your head up.

Answer 4

You husband 'IS' absolutely right!!
You either cut 'all' ties with them or something 'will' inevitably go wrong at some point.
I would actually consider not even staying in touch with your sis-in-law, simply because you might (at some point) accidentally
give your location away.
If your husband knows they could and would be a 'problem' in your lives then you should 'admire and respect' him for doing what best for you guys.
You husband wants 'OUT' of that family and their lifestyles,
and for 'very' good reason.
If you 'truly' love your man try to see things from his perspective!
He really 'IS' right on this one!!
And you are being 'deceptive' by staying in contact with 'ANY' of them.

Answer 5

I cant see the problem with u email her but i would respect his wishes. U have your own family to care for u dont want they using u again do u. And remember your man is to be praised for getting out of that envirnment respect his wishes.