I met her a few years ago, planning to get married soon. She is all I've dreamt of and I simply love her to bits. She is older than me by 7 yrs (she's 31). In the beggining I didn't think to much of her past, but asking about it and her not telling me too much made me dig deeper and deeper till I hurt her by doing so. I wanna stop that, thinking of her past mistakes and guys she dated etc. She even changed a lot, she is a pure Christian now, more of a reason 4 me to forget about her past...but I still cannot do that. I prayed about it, I "punished" myself 4 it in ways coz I don't want to hurt her by bringing it up again I think I've tried everything...Any of U guys/gals gone thru this? Will I ever be able to overcome these things or will it haunt me 4 ever? It really drives me to despair sometimes and I just feel like climbing the walls :( Why me?? Why does this happen ? WTF is wrong w/ me ?
2007-01-21 09:42:11 · 16 answers · asked by Ella F 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
The thing that will probly freak U out about me even more is that we were both virgins when we met. I kno about "technical virginity" etc...but I don't think it's her case. Her problems were more about just promiscous behaviour and bad morals....I kno U'll consider me a freak....maybe I am....the thing is I WANT to put everything behind where it belongs...Just HOW to do that
2007-01-21 09:55:12 · update #1
oh my goodness, that's exactly my problem..i don't know whats wrong with me...I'm normally not a person to dwell on anything bad for long...but its been over two years of inner torment, self loathing, resentment, hate, jealously, arguments and yes breaking up and making up..just seems to have a hold of my mind and soul...and no matter how hard i try..yea why us (((hugs)))
He's also my future husband, most say..the past is the past...let it go..yeah right easier said than done.
If you find the answer, plz do let me know.
God Bless
2007-01-21 09:54:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a question that maybe will help if you answer. If you cannot forgive your future for her past that had nothing to do with you do you think that you will be a fair and equitable mate for her sitting in judgment of her past? Would you want to be on the other side of that coin? Think about how long the marriage would last and where is the partnership? You are a good candidate for counseling. It will help you and protect her from you! I know exactly what you are going through and the advice sounds calloused but it comes from been there done that! Help both of you and see someone.
2007-01-21 17:58:03 · answer #2 · answered by andyman 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, it has never happened to me, past has never bothered me - whether it was mine or someone else's. It sounds like you have a real problem, I don't know what the "recipe" would be for getting over something like this; it seems you already understand that such obsession is meaningless and destructive. Perhaps you need a help of a good therapist to walk you through this, otherwise it'll blow up in your face sooner or later. Everyone will have a "past", there's no way around it; it is dysfunctional to dwell on it. If you don't feel you can combat these feelings, I would seriously recommend professional help.
2007-01-21 17:51:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why is it so hard for you to leave it alone? Her past is just that . If she is a pure christian then she has already asked for God's forgiveness. She doesn't need you harping on the situation because truly what God thinks is the only thing that matters. If you continue you to bring in up, you are making her relive it again and that is not right. you are condemning her and you may not even realize it!!! I suggest that if she is still willing to marry you, get some counseling first. And ask yourself what the real issue is. Like I said once god has forgiven her nothing else matters so who are you to not get past it? God forgives you of your sins!!!
2007-01-21 17:57:42 · answer #4 · answered by imhischildtwo 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow, so the woman you love wasn't a New In Box Barbie before you met her. I've got news for you, sir - women have LIVES. Most of the time, our parents don't stash us in convent schools until they find someone for us to marry anymore.
Seriously. She's a living, breathing, full-blooded woman who dated before she met you - why on Earth does that diminish her value for you? Are you a virgin yourself? Have you never kissed anyone else? Why are potential flaws to her "purity" so much more important to you than your own lack of trust?
Every individual decides how much importance to assign to each romantic/sexual occurrence in his or her life. Clearly, this woman's actions are saying that you are far more important to her than anything that happened in her past. She doesn't care to dwell on her romantic past because it's over and she doesn't want to revisit it. Do you really want to listen to your fiancee talk all about the men she dated before you? She'd far rather just live life with YOU!
If you can't get past the idea that a 31-year-old woman had some life experience before she met you, maybe you should consider the alternative. You could always go find some nice teenager in a little Third World village somewhere, and trade the appropriate amount of livestock for her as a bride price, and then hang your bloody linens out after the wedding night as proof that you shed her virgin's blood. Would that make you happy?
I agree that you need to go into counseling before you get married, before you sabotage the relationship with your insecurities and stubborn adherence to an unenlightened sexual double standard. Women are complex human beings, who can chose not to subject ourselves to the Madonna-or-whore binary code unenlightened people try to force on us. A mature man knows and accepts this.
By the way - I wasn't a New In Box Barbie when my husband and I started to date eight years ago, and neither was he a New In Box Ken. We've now been happily and faithfully married for almost five years, and trust each other completely.
You can choose not to sweat this. You can choose to just trust her. I hope for your own sake that you make that appointment with a counselor.
2007-01-21 18:08:11 · answer #5 · answered by Guernica 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My friend, if you are going to have a union that is Christian based, then you might want to look at her the way God does.
Her sins and past mistakes are as white as snow in HIS eyes!
So, that being said, you might ask yourself who YOU are
to hold any judgement over her, because as long as you are mentally or emotionally pointing one finger at HER--you are inadvertently pointing the other 3 fingers
BACK AT YOURSELF!!!
Think about it for a moment, if she is now new in Christ and pure as the driven snow in HIS eyes, why should she be any
less to you now?
Galatians 5:22 is about the "...Fruit of the Spirit...Love, Joy,
Peace, Patience ,Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and self control.".
..oops!
Methinks there is NO judgement listed as a Gift of the Spirit!!!
Try to remember, it took every stumble, every fall, every person, and every experience to get her from where she's been to where she is now, and had she not had THOSE experiences back then,
perhaps YOU would not look so good to her, now.
Straighten up your act and take "WTF" our of your vocabulary,
it is not befitting of a Believer.
Love her and be a good example and spiritual leader by being the man the Lord had in mind from the beginning!
(and I don't mean Adam!)
Peace be with you.
2007-01-21 17:57:54 · answer #6 · answered by susieque 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Forget the past, its history, and you cant change history, your life with her will be present and the future, you say she is a pure christian now and that is all that matters, we all make mistakes while we are young and do things we would never do after we have grown up, so if you love her, let the past be just that "THE PAST'
2007-01-21 17:50:17 · answer #7 · answered by emma 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Are you sure you love her? You can't change the past, she can't change her past. Are you so young and perfect that you have never made mistakes? There is nothing worse than someone who throws your past up at you over and over. You are obviously obsessed with something that is none of your business. If she marries you with your "need" to know every detail, you are going to be just one more of her mistakes.
2007-01-21 17:55:50 · answer #8 · answered by Hatem 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Get yourself into therapy - fast! You have no business even thinking about getting married as long as you're as messed up as you are at the moment. You need a lot of help to straighten yourself out and become capable of a normal relationship.
2007-01-21 17:45:52 · answer #9 · answered by Liz 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
FIRST OF ALL YOU SAY YOU LOVE HER RIGHT? WELL IF SO YOU DON'T DWELL ON HER PAST, YOU LIVE FOR THE FUTURE WITH HER. DID YOU NOT HAVE A PAST BEFORE HER PERHAPS NOT AS EVENTFUL AS HERS, BUT NONE THE LESS A PAST. WHEN WE FIND SOMEONE WE TRULY LOVE WE FORGET THE PAST IF WE WEREN'T INCLUDED IN IT. HATE TO SOUND LIKE DEAR ABBY , BUT YOU NEED TO GO TO COUNSELING CUASE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR JEALOUS OF SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. IN THE END IF YOU KEEP THIS UP YOUR NOT ONLY GOING TO HURT HER YOUR GOING TO LOSE HER.
2007-01-21 17:50:29 · answer #10 · answered by xedalie 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋