How do I deal with this??

Question

I am a 35 year old woman and have just found out that my Dad cheated on my Mom several times while they were married. Unfortunately I got to hear the gory details as well. I know that he was violent and aggressive and hated my Mom going out on her own. But I feel really bad now finding this out. I haven't spoken to him for years because of his behaviour in the past and more recent problems. I do not know how to deal with this and it's opened up the wound again. Anyone any ideas?

Answer 1

i am only 13 but my parents split up 2 years ago after they found out they were BOTH having affairs. but i think you should definitely talk to your dad and mom, i think it would be better to talk to your dad about it face-to-face rather than on the phone... maybe if it feels weird or you are scared arrange to meet in a public place with other people around but not listening, maybe a park or shopping centre or something like that.

GOOD LUCK !!!! hope this helps. XX

Answer 2

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about this but can relate; I'm a 40 year old man and have been though something simular. I was married for 16 years and things did not work out.

Keep everything in perspective. Remember even though it hurts, hurt you; how he acted towards your mom was really was between your mom and him. How ever gave you the gory details had no right. It was not thier place to do this. Hating him is only going to bring upon negitive feelings in your life. You don't have to love him, but don't hate him. One day he will not be around anymore and you want to be alble to remember the good times instead of all the painful ones.

I hope his actions were not directed towards you.

Men cheat for a variety of reason. Not that any of them are right or acceptable, but they do it for different reasons. Sometimes its because they don't feel loved by their wife's and it is a way of reaching out for affection. I know that sounds crazy because it only makes things worse in the long run. At the end of the day they are not being honest with themselfs or the ones they hurt.

It may help you feel better to write him, even if you don't send it. (I wouldn't) It will help you get your feelings out on paper. Shred it or burn it when your done. But let it go. You may need to do this a few times. Don't send him anything that you will regret at a later time. It will help you deal better with this situtation. Don't let this eat you up, it will if you let it. You may also find it helpful to see a counciler who can help you professionally. They have a lot of experiance in dealing with things like this. The only downside is the cost out of pocket and time involved.

Remember the past is the past and that this is not part of your life right now. It does not need to be. Learn how to let it go or it will cause a lot of heartacke in your life, to possibly include health relatated problems which you don't want or need. It's really not worth it at the end of the day. You deserve to be happy and can't be happy as long as you have this on your mind.

If you or anyone else ever wants to talk about this, or feel you need to talk feel free to e-mail me at [e-mail] Just remember that I am not a professional counciler and am only trying to help you.

I have a lot of background experiances and good advice, but that is all it is; at the end of the day it is only my opinion and my exeriances.

Answer 3

Well as they say, you can choose your friends but not your family. I have to ask, who would be so cruel to tell you all the gory details? what did they think it would achieve by telling you this? As you are already not talking to your Dad then if I were you I'd try to move on. Yes I understand that old wounds have been reopened but you only have one life, don't waste it on worrying about something you cannot change. Life is for living. I had a violent Father who used to beat my Mum and us kids when we were growing up, he may have tainted my childhood so I'll be dammed if he will achieve this with my adult hood as well !!!! Move on and be strong. Good luck xxx

Answer 4

I'm sorry that you had to go through this, I'd suggest that you take yourself to a counsellor for a few sessions. There's no shame in asking a professional to help develop strategies in dealing with the crap our lives inevitably throw our way. Try to remember that you can't control the behaviour or choices of other people, you are not responsible for your dad's mistakes. Also, your dad isn't a reflection on you. Whatever you do, don't try to plod along like the wound isn't there, you can't ignore it. Best wishes!

Answer 5

I had a marriage like that and my adult children saw some of it I stuck it out thinking I was doing the right thing when I did leave my son was 17 at the time and he said something to me one day when I said I was sorry he shot a look at me and said 'don't say sorry for that wish you had done it years ago' he is now 28 with 2 children of his own also I have a daughter of 26 who didn't see as much as her brother I did get them to keep in touch with him as I never wanted them to say to me that I should have they do see him and talk to him same as I do and like us you can forgive only you will never forget, thoughts every now and again flash through their minds, I left 11 yrs ago and still never forget Good luck and take care

Answer 6

I have lots of open wounds from things my father did. You should talk to someone in the professional field that can help you deal with it rather than push it down and hide it. I need to do the same.

Answer 7

You said 'while they were married' so I presume they no longer are. So what would be the point of telling your mum? Do you think it would make her one but happier? Maybe she already knows but wouldn't want to talk about it. It could only make her feel angry or inadequate, what is the point. If she doesn't know then why drop a bit more misery into her life.

For yourself, you are already not talkng to him so whats the point of starting if it is to discuss this?

If to confront him, do you think he will care or be ashamed? No point there then.

From what you said i guess it is not such a surprise anyway.

Does it change anything? No, so forget it.

Answer 8

Well, bless your heart, that really sucks. It might help to tell him exactly how his actions affect your feelings for him. If you don't want to confront him, write him a letter. And try to realize that this is in the past. It can't be changed. Go ahead and feel the feelings that are coming up. You can't deal with them if you deny them. And then work on letting them go.

Answer 9

everybody deals with stuff differently. im 42 now and the childhood that i had pretty much totally screwed me up. my mother left my father when i was 16 after years of broken promises and mental abuse but sadly, she went back to him after his promises that he would change. of course he didnt and in the end i had to put distance between us because it was torture to me. my parents seem ok now and i see my mom quite often but cant be in his company for long.
i think some things, as much as it hurts, you just have to live with because you cant change it. you have to concentrate on your own life and try to make that as good as you can. what goes around comes around. justice is usually done -1 way or another.
all the very best to you

Answer 10

I really really feel for you. My dad was abusive and cheated on my mom also. My mom turned to alcohol and became a very abusive, alcoholic mom. So we (me & 4 siblings) really got the worst of all worlds. My siblings still struggle (we are in our 40s-50s now) with how to make peace within themselves. For me what worked best was finding a way - courage maybe - to forgive them both for what they did to us. It wasn't easy, but I maintained at least a civil relationship with them both - forgave them I guess. Now they have both passed away, and I am the only one out of 5 children who does not still suffer the ramifications of not forgiving alcoholic, abuse parents. They continue to blame what happens in their life on their "crappy" upbringing. and they are the ones suffering. Best wishes to you - no one ever said it would be easy!!!