How do I get my 8 year old son to listen and respect me without using violence?

Question

He argues with me constantly, and he will not do what I tell him to do(clean his room, homework). I yell at him he ignores me. I don't want to spank him because he might hit me back. Also I'm worried about hurting him. I have a bad temper.I am a single mom and live with family and friends and everyone is at thier wits end with my son. Please help.

Answer 1

Ok, I know that I will get thumbs down for my answer, but I don't care. It needs to be said.
FEAR leads to respect. Parents need to go back to putting fear in their children for misbehaving. Yelling does not do anything after a while. They will stop caring. I do not agree with beating children...but I do agree with showing a child who is the boss.
My parents spanked me occasionally when I messed up...therefore, I know damn well not to continue misbehaving. When the child is older, then you can ground them or whatever, but as far as a child...then I do believe that spanking may be necessary for disciplinary action.

Answer 2

OK, time for a little help, here, and I know what it is to have a temper- some of it was upbringing, some of it was my wacky hormones..
anyway, I did the same thing; hold back because you fear the worst.
Best thing I can tell you is- see a doctor just in case it's your hormones, etc, first, and then get help for your temper. It's OK, I've been there, and I'm not judging you by telling to seek some help.
But my kid is now 12, and still doesn't respect me, because I'd rather not go overboard...
My homrones are better, and I'm able to deal with him more calmly. Which means, if I say-
"If you do that again, we will sit here for half an hour doing nothing, " then that's exactly what will happen. And no, I will not scream, or hit, or raise my hand, or cry, or start blaming myself because I feel out of control.
We will sit.
And I may even take him bra shopping (LOL, not that exaclty. BUt anything I could do for myself, especially that would bore and embarrass him but was perfectly necessary and justifiable would work.)
But yes, you need to get a grip so you can take care of this!
I did, and so can you.
Especially because you don't want his female bosses and god forbid his wife to suffer the same treatment- he'll lose a lot that way, and you may never see your grandkids.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Putting aside the fact that you should have been applying this form of discipline long ago. Children need discipline (Discipline meaning looking forward and changing behavior, and not punishment looking back and taking vengence)...Some children can do well without spankings. Others need a spanking to alter their behavior. Only on the bottom and never in anger. By the time they are 8 years old, if you haven't spanked their bottom before, your "window" of opportunity where spankings can be affective and set a good foundation for a child respecting the parent is almost gone. I would NOT accept him being disrepectful. If he doesn't clean his room, go down to his room and hover until it is completed. Take away priveledges. He MUST comply immediately and with the appropriate attitude or face the consequences. Take away priviledges and put him to work around the house...hovering as he does it and KEEP hovering over him until he KNOWS you mean business and it is done right the first time. If he does it but with the wrong attitude or does it poorly...like making a bed.....unmake the bed and make him redo it properly, SHOWING him the proper way to do it. If he won't do his homework...sit down with him and do it with him. If he plays dumb and pretends to be unsure of the assignment. Call the teacher at home or visit his class. Your going to have to get serious. Do all of this with liberal praise when he does it right and let him know how you think he is special and called to a higher life than what you lived. Make plans with him for his future. Let him know that you want him to succeed. That his future success is your primary concern. Kids need to know that their parents care and that they care enough to make sure they turn out right. No cussing, no bad attitude and no half baked chores. Good luck

Answer 4

So sorry to say this, but it's not about him its about you :-(

Firstly commend yourself for stepping up and asking for help, its hard enough being in a relationship with children but being on your own! the children think they can grind you down!

Defuse the fight, sounds like your making a battle. But on the same hand stay strong, no means no, no matter where you are how much screaming, do not negotiate then you will not argue or faulter. Mums word is final. (let him have the last word if he needs it, does it matter !!! NO)

Talk to him, he is old enough to give you resonable feedback on your parenting. Give positive "good boy" (can never say it to much, as silly as you may feel it will go a long way for a developing little boy.) Do you ever cuddle him ?

About bedroom/homeowrk, if its not working then change the nagging routine get in there and help him, remember the "good boys".

Your temper....... you are the adult look into gaining control, this will benefit you and him.

Have a look at some goods books maybe Dr Tanya Byron and the house of tiny tearaways.(Amazon.co.uk)

If you put any of the above into practise then remember stay strong and calm, he may step up the tempo but it will not be for long, he will just test to see how serious you are.

Be smart with punishment, don't doll it out when you are really mad, wait until you are calm and sit down with him and let him know the "whatever " band for x Day, if he tries to argue with you on it or has a hissing fit, then just add up more days, Stick to it..

Keep breathing and counting to ten. Your lives will improve. Good Luck

Answer 5

Firstly, you are the boss. Don't you ever be scared of your child. You have to instill fear in him before it is too late. Children don't reason at that age. They understand pain and consequences. First, any sort of luxuries he has, you take that away if he doesn't do as you tell him. (I have nieces and nephews and if they cut out of line, they would be living like a monk with nothing in their rooms but a bed and desk and chair) If he throws a tantrum, hit him. (Never use your fist or leave a mark on him. In NY, corporal punishment is legal as long as it is not excessive) Also, allow your family and friends to discipline him. He as of now has no respect for authority and if it continues, he will end up in prison when he gets older. If all else fails, maybe then it is advisable to seek professional help. He might have ADHD and that needs to be diagnosed. I am loathed to suggest he has that because it sounds like a cop out to get him Ritalin, but he might need it. Don't buy him things unless he really deserves it and don't allow him special privileges unless he really deserves it. Be tough with him, because when he turns 18, the kid gloves come off.

Answer 6

First example, if you want he clean his room, you must havea a very clean room too, you dont want him to yell at you, dont yell at him.
Just be calm , and talk to him in a very calm mode, what are his duties.
Sit one time with him and split responsabilities since you guys are the only members of your family he has to understand and be part of the team, make him feel that is fine and its fun.
maybe you can do his laundry in exchange that he has to help to do dishes everytime after dinner, plus You will cook for him, but he has to make his bed,
include him a lot in other responsabilites like take the trush out, etc, don't ever yell at him or spank him that will be worst his strong will to do not obey you.
Talk to him like you are talking to an adult, sounds not too good , but believe me sometimes as a parent we forget that they can think :) remneber they have their own mind ( thats why we say "THey act like they have their own mind"" ) well its truth they have their own mind they are small humans with brain ; they are very smart and can listen, hear, and do.
they are able to do anything, just need love, patient, support.
Im sure he is suffering too having not a father and his friends at school , may have more things financially and even they may had a father. such is not bad many people get divorce.
Get some help too , maybe your brother can act a liltle bit like , rolemodel ( if is a good one ) maybe a cousin or a friend.
IF they can get closer to each other, will make him feel better. why? to have some adult that he can trust, talk about things, ( male ) would be taking stress ffrom him.
You can do a lot of things, get single parent counsiling classes at your local church , at school, find all resources.

I dont recomend to spank him cause you all ready have a bad temper, you did that many times Im sure ( im not judging you ) but you wiill be do anyways , or you did. So is not part of your list something that you will do naturally .

If he is acting very agressive you defeniltly need to see some MORE extra help at church again or his school some spscycologist to see if he is suffering from ADD or ADHD or anything that he may required some medication, I hope this is not the case, medication this days are not accurate for something like this, but after you been trying all things and calm and he still act violent, then you need extra help.
Try first the civilisize way Im sure will work, your child must be smart, and too much energy for getting away with things like this.
Don't buy anything for him ( like xbox, games, toys, computer stuff they love it etc ) until he does something good,
he has to gain it, is all about recompensation rewarding ( ihope my words are ok my check spelling is not working ) soooo rewarding works perfect in children with strong will.
Believe iwas a strong will child and REAL LIFE is teaching me about rewards , when you work hard you get it when yo dont work hard you don't get it.
Some paretns let the life teach you, but some other parents will teach this GOOD principle at home, so making do something before you buy something again, don't take away the ones he has allready, that will hurt his feelings.

Answer 7

You should have been spanking his butt all along and you would not be having this problem. I think it is real sad that you are afraid of an 8 year old child. I can only imagine how bad things will be for you when he is 14 or 16. Once you have lost control it is difficult to get back. It can be done though but you will have to use tough love. Yelling never solves any problem. Once you start yelling you have lost control and he knows that. Stay calm and put your foot down. If he does not listen not only do you need to spank his rear but take all his pleasure away.....toys,tv,games,etc. Do not let him do anything but breath until he obeys....Good Luck.

Also, you may consider a boot camp for unruly children, you would be surprised at what the military can do for discipline problems.

Answer 8

What's wrong with parents these days letting their child run the house? Are you kidding me? I don't care what you do. Spank, take things away, etc. But get it under control now. Your son is eight. It's ridiculous that you're afraid to discipline him. He's just going to get worse when he's a teenager, and then you're going to "need" someone else to discipline your child for you.

Answer 9

Yes, children who grow up in moral vs. immoral circumstances learn different sets of values--especially important are the first 3-4 years of life when imprinting takes place. I've seen this effect in the ghettos of the United States--with black and Hispanic children and I've seen it everywhere in the Philippines. Why do you think the PI is like a huge, overpopulated ghetto?

Answer 10

This might sound really dumb, but after a lifetime of working with children, I can tell you that the best thing to do is talk to him. Obviously there is something bothering him, and you yelling at him is only going to make him confused and angry. Plus, if you maintain a friendship with your son, and are there for him while at the same time giving him his privacy, then he will be more likely to do these things because he realizes that they need to be done and he is responsible for them.

Oh, and don't hit your kids. You are right, that will only teach him to be violent.

Answer 11

DO SOMETHING NOW..... Before he is a teenager It will get worse... Take away his toys and things he likes.. Even if he screams... Don't let a 8 year old beat on you. Cause When he is a teen the respect will be 0 and he will know he can have his way with you.. Spank him if he deserves it. You can defend yourself and lock him in his bedroom and no TOYS