How do I stop myself getting so ANGRY?

Question

I seem to have a short fuse these days. I end up making a mess of things. I get lonely and reach out, but then I seem to end up not able to cope with how people talk to me. When people say or do things that upset me, I get a lot of anger and I end up feeling dumb and depressed. I have depression, but this anger seems to come out of the blue. What the heck can I do? I seem to be good at wrecking things.

Answer 1

Hi friend. Sounds like a vicious cycle. You might be surprised how many other people have faced a similar situation. I think for people who have this pattern, especialy if it is a strong one, there is a possibility for a change. But with any kind of addiction it requires a serious desire for something different. But if you are someone who really wants a change, you can definetely do it.

First, I was wondering if maybe you felt a little stifled in your life, like it is time to do something different or do something that you really want to but have found so many reasons not to. Or maybe you are really compromising in some area of your life that is harmful to you. Anger can be a sign of any one of these things, because your frustration just gets projected out onto the most convenient situation. Anger can sometimes be a replacement for that feeling of "aliveness" that comes from pure enjoyment of living, happiness for no reason. Sometimes when people feel really dead inside, the only thing that they can find that convinces them that they still exist is the experience of the emotion of anger because it is such a powerful feeling. Eventually, we come to associate that feeling wtih being alive - we have confused pleasure with pain.

In your situation it sounds like when someone says or does something and you find yourself feeling hurt or attacked you try to get rid of that feeling by throwing it right back at them but the end result is that you feel worse in the end - you feel the guilt of being unloving towards someone even if they seem to deserve it. That is why trying to give anger away always results in feeling worse, because you can't give it away - it only increases the pain for ourselves.

That said, I think that there are some useful techniques for helping people thorugh this kind of hurt and inner rage. However, I can only speak as to what has been helpful to me and depending upon what you are open to you may or may not want to try them. There is a fairly popular book written by a contemporary spiritual (not Christian) teacher called Eckhart Tolle. It's called the 'Power of Now'. A lot of this book is devoted to his writings on what he calls the "pain body" which can take the form of the kind of anger you are talking about. It takes a look at this anger and how to 'manage' it in a very practical way by developing mindfulness. Another one of my favorite authors is a Buddhist nun called Pema Chodron and she wrote a book about this thing called "tonglen" practice which is essentially a compassion practice for ourselves and I found it really beautiful. That book was called "Start where you are". No, you don't have to be a Buddhist to read it. Both of these books are really practical and down to earth.

I think though, if I had to sum up what they both had in common, is that they both take the storyline out of the emotional charge. Say, someone insults you and then you have this rage come up... but it doesn't come up alone. It comes up with a storyline about how degrading that person was to you and how ignorant and ugly they are and how they deserve to be annihilated and that your retaliation is totally richeous and deserved. Well, the focus stays on the emotional charge, while dropping the story. You might be amazed and just how effective this is. If you can start practicing this and remembering to do it right away - you will have far fewer of those regrets and less things to be depressed about. Remember, you aren't your anger. Sometimes we do things like act out in anger toward people - even those we love - just in an attempt to be loved, as twisted a tactic as this is. We want them to prove they love us. And then, because we hurt them back and they don't know how to deal with it and never call us again - we have proof that we are unworthy as a friend, a lover, a father, a son. Whatever. We are our own worst enemy and that deep sense of unworthiness, if left unexposed and unexamined, will try to take over our entire lives and detroy it because we secret believe that is all that we deserve.... But that can't be, no matter what we've done. Things are not always as they appear to be. I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

OK, you may have been working too hard,to such a degree that nothing else matters except work, if you can try to take some time out, go walking in the country, listen to birds,try to relax for a couple of days just try to chill out, there are pills that are available for depression but in the end its up to your own attitude to life.Look about you nad see otheres who are worse off than you, don't feel sorry for yourself deal with your problem and dont forget that if you carr on like this things may well get worse and reach a point where you really cannot cope.

Answer 3

You aren't over your past relationship, which is a difficult thing to do, especially if you have to see the person a lot because of common social circles. You have to keep reminding yourself that you guys have broken up for a reason and that she, as well as you, have a right to move on. I say you shouldn't occupy yourself with thoughts of what she is doing and with whom. Go out and meet other people. You may find someone else who you will really like and will be more compatible with. If you keep thinking about your ex, you'll only be missing opportunities for yourself. The fact that she doesn't have a problem being with other guys around you should signal to you that she expects you to move on too. If she is only doing it to make you jealous, then she is not worth the time. Mature women don't have to resort to playing games to figure out how they're ex would feel. If it really bothers you, then have an adult conversation with her and come to a conclusion about your status once and for all. Then either move forward together if you guy get back together, or move on and find someone better.

Answer 4

I have been going through that same thing for about a year now. Nothing seems to come out the way I had it in my head and people seem to take everything I say wrong. Lately I have just been trying hard not to say to much, not to let people get under my skin and try to get my head space into something that makes me smile or makes me happy. It is taking some time but I think it is working.

Answer 5

I had the same problem years ago, I went to see a psychotherapist, and here's what he recommended; I love boxing, I got a boxing dummy and every time I got upset with somebody I would hit the dummy until I got rid of my frustration. It worked.
I don't like to hurt people and I recognize that my anger is only my problem.
Good luck

Answer 6

When you feel yourself getting angry, take a few deep breaths and count to 10. This will give you time out to re-assess the situation. Try saying to yourself "I'm not going to get angry at this" or something like that over and over again until you can feel that you are getting calmer. Try to learn when a situation is going to make you feel angry and they you can better prepare for it.

Answer 7

You know, you sound an awful lot like my son. He has anger issues also. Well, guess what? He has been diagnosed as having anxiety and bipolar disorder. It has nothing to do with anger control. See a doctor.

Answer 8

You get angry because you're not able to accept what is said. Bring full awareness to anger, the next time it happens... it will be transformed in the light of that awareness.

Answer 9

If you have to vent, you have to vent. Just do it in a private place where nobody can hear or see you. But make an effort to not get angry at all. Getting angry is bad for your health.

Answer 10

get yourself to the docs,i had a similar prob and he gave me some mild antidepressants.its not a sin to take them and in my case it made a difference,life aint perfect but its bearable.try to let people how you are really feeling inside and LISTEN to what they say to you.hope this helps