Dad controlling 21 year old daughter.?

Question

My daughter is 21, goes to college and lives at home. On the weekends, she has been staying overnight at a friend's house. She claims it's just easier then coming home very late at night or early morning (3:30 am) since she is always the driver. My husband is really giving her a hard time and I think that he is over reacting. I know who she is with, she calls and comes home for school and work. Last semester she had a 3.4 average. Does anyone else think he is over reacting? Should we be suspicious that she is sleeping out every weekend? She does not have a boyfriend.

Just wanted to add that a 3.4 average is an excellent average in college. Also, she did move out at 18 for a year and came back home because of financial and extreme problems with a ex boyfriend who was ultimately arrested for assaulting her. She had a full order of protection against him and has come a long way to recovery. I understand that my husband may be overprotective, but I still feel that by her sleeping at a friend's house every weekend is not a problem and agree that she is being responsible by letting me know where she is and not driving home late at night. This is only a little part of everything because it seems that nothing she does is the right thing and he is always speaking negativly when it regards her. I have expressed that he should sit and talk, but he refuses and leaves me to do the dirty work. Maybe counseling is the answer. Thanks for all the answers.

Answer 1

If she's still living under your roof, she should follow your rules.

Tell your husband to go get her and bring her home since he feels so strongly about it.

Answer 2

Parents only want what's best for their children. Sometimes, they forget that their children have grown and cause friction in the parent-child relationship.

The fact that she is 21 and lives at home is quite an inconvenient for the father and daughter, especially when the grades are low. However, nagging the daughter is not the solution to the problem of the grades. What the father should do is ask the girl if she needs help in getting her grades up, because she obviously really needs that help.

As for staying out and sleeping in friend's houses, that unfortunatelly is out of your hands. She is an adult and can legally stay out with anyone she wishes. You do have an alternative: Tell her that you don't mind where she stays, as long as she calls you, and let you know where that place is. But you must PROMISE her not to interfere with her life.

She probably will not like to tell you that, fearing you may drop by. But you can tell her that it is for security reasons. A lot of girls spend the night out with friends and then disappear, and the parents don't know who was the last person who saw them. Reasure her of this and never drop by at the friend's house unannounced, or she will lose all trust she has on you. You need to earn her trust, not lose it.

I wish you the best, I know it is very difficult for you what you are going through, because you really care for the girl.

Answer 3

I think it's over-reacting. Why i say this is simply, i'd rather my daughter stay somewhere and sleep rather than come home late at night driving. I also would rather her be alive, well, and safe, and even if she was sleeping with someone i'd learn to live with it.

I served as a first responder to very many traffic accidents in my state. I lost track of how many young people died in single car accidents trying to drive home from colleges to their parents house on the weekend.
Probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 100-150 young people over a 10 year period of time. When these people could have stayed overnight somewhere and slept rather than make a long drive home for the weekend.

Think about it for a moment and then you decide if it's worth losing a child or letting them stay over somewhere

Answer 4

He's not controlling, he just knows what young men are like and he hates the thought of his daughter being taken advantage of. He is however, over-reacting. She's a capable, responsible, hard-working young lady. She needs to have enough freedom to be able to make some choices and see where they lead, while still knowing that if she screws up, you guys have her back! If he's really that worried, then just have a talk about this with her. Tell her what your concerns are, that she may be taken advantage of, or physically harmed. She will understand, and ask her to take special precautions to insure her safety. If Dad's not careful, he's going to drive her away....but at least by having a talk, he lets her know exactly what he's worried about.

Answer 5

Dads protect daughters, that's what they do. Be glad the other girl's parents are taking your girl in for the weekend to prevent a late night accident. The statistic escapes me, but it will be easy enough for you to find. it's like every other car you pass after 9:00 has a driver who has consumed alcohol and every 3rd car has a driver who has concumed over the legal limit after 10pm. You daughter isn't driving at night and she's alive. Take that as a blessing.
Even if what you spouse sees as the worst were to happen...and it were a guy...it's a guy who is supporting her getting outstanding grades, so he isn't dominating her time and controlling her life. Guys supporting good grades aren't that easy to come by, that would be a blessing, too.
She's legally an adult and you and your spouse have obvisously taught her to make good choices. Rest on you laurels.

Answer 6

Your daughter is an adult like it or not.I am a bit surprised that she does not have her own place yet.The fact that she stay's at friends houses because she does not want to drive home late is actually a smart adult decision.Why should you be suspicous that she does not come home??She is an adult technically she should not have to check in with you the fact that she does that is also a sign of respect and maturity.Unfortunately the problem your husband has is that he does'nt want to lose his little girl.Is he over reacting YES.He should be glad she is still living at home.What is he gonna do when she moves out.

Answer 7

She probably has a boyfriend. She could also just be trying to take a break from the "controlling atmosphere". If she's 21, she is no longer subject to the "house rules". She has only herself to answer to. If need be, she could be evicted/kicked out. It is her option to live in you house by your rules or find somewhere else to live. Example: Apartment complexes have certain stipulation in their contracts. They are not laws, simply rules for those who live there. If you do not follow them the apartment manager can evict you- even if your rent is current. The typical eviction notice is 30 days.
Without knowing more about the situation, it's hard to determine if he's overreacting. A "hard time" can be interpreted so many ways.

Answer 8

does she have a boyfriend?? she may not tell if she feels threatened. is a 3.4 average good or bad..i don't know, being an Aussie, but consider if it is good or not overpreassuring can lead to secretive actions., maybee she just needs space, i feel like i don't know the full story. bu ti know when i was finishing highschool i was very preasured and went out drinking most nights..and every weekend, and would make every excuse under the sun to hide what i was doing. it may be best to just be tolerant and listen more intently. don't offer or give advise just be sympathetic..it will work out in the end.

Answer 9

She is giving reason to be suspicious. She does not have to stay out until 3:30 am. As long a she is in your home and is your child, she should follow the family standards. There is nothing "magic" about turning 21.

Answer 10

Hey, he has a right to be concerned. Anyone out at 3:30AM on weekends is not doing charity work for the local church, so there is room for discussion regarding her activities going on until 3:30AM.

Since she is 21, you, she, and her father should discuss this calmly and maybe find some middle ground. After all, it sounds like her living at home is favorable for all of you. SO SIT DOWN AND CALMLY LISTEN TO EACH OTHER, make some compromises, and go from there.

Answer 11

I am a father of a twenty-year-old who is living with her boyfriend, in a motel, against my better judgement, on the pretext of going to school there when they get some money together, so I kind of understand your husband. What were you doing when you were twenty-one and out of your parents' sight? She's doing that and more. But she is an adult. She's still your baby, and you may be under-reacting a little. Let him be concerned. You wouldn't like it if he weren't!