can any1 tell me a good joke pleeeeeeease :-)?

Answer 1

how do you get a nun pregnant?

dress her up as an altar boy!!!!

Answer 2

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Answer 3

two fish swimming at the lake.one runs into a wall ,looks at the other and says dam!


how many men does it take to clean a bath tub?i dont know,its never been done.

two antennas got married.the wedding wasnt much but the reception was great.

one day hillary clinton and her driver was headed down an old country road.the driver hit a cow and killed it.ms.clinton had him go in and tell the owner what had happened.well after about two hours the driver came out drunk and smelling of cigars.hillary asked what in the world had been going on/the driver said,"well i went to the door.when the farmer man came out,i explained that i was hillary clintons driver and i had just ran over the cow."everything is a blur after that.


have you heard of that new book "spots on the wall?" by whoflungcum..

sorry these aint all that funny.its hard to think of jokes on the spot.(is for me anyways)

Answer 4

My favorite Blond Joke:

A Brunette was walking down the middle of the road and she was counting 71, 71, 71, 71, 71, and along came a Blond.

The Blond asks the Brunette "what are you doing?"

The Brunette says, "see all these dotted lines in the road, i am counting them."

The Blond asks the Brunette if she can tag along and the Brunette says, "sure just stand right beside me and we will count them together."

So they start walking down the road both counting 71, 71, 71, 71 until a semi comes by and runs the Blond over, then the Brunette goes 72, 72, 72.....

Answer 5

this one's not filthy but it's a little dirty if put into context:
Two old ladies are standing outside their nursing home for a smoke break.(you can't smoke inside a nursing home) It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies (we'll call her Gretta) pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette. "It keeps it from getting wet," she says to the other lady (Doris). So the next day, Doris goes to the drugstore and walks up to the clerk.
"I need to buy a box of condoms," the old woman says.
Slightly taken aback, the clerk says "Okay. What size condoms do you want? Small, medium, or large?"
After a minute Doris replies: "It doesn't really matter, so long as they fit a Camel*."
*The essence of the joke is the play on the word "camel", of course. Hope you liked it.

Answer 6

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another
hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK".

Answer 7

How To Catch A Bear.
First you dig a hole about 4 feeet deeper then the bear is tall.
then make a bon fire.When the fire goes out put the ashes in the hole. Then get some peas. If their cand drain the juce and if their Frozen though them out. Put the peas around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.

Answer 8

My son Ethan just got a dog from the pound called 'rosco". Well my son and nephew are in the same second grade class. Ryan said to Ethan, my son "Ethan, Do you know why they won't let your dog come home today?"? Ethan looked at Ryan and said "no why?" Ryan continued and says "Because they cut his balls off!" AND THEN Ryan adds "Don't worry, My puppy doesn't have any balls either!"

Answer 9

(Best read out loud, and with a Yiddish accent)


Bernie Weisman was turning 85. His friends decided to pool their funds to get him something really special for his birthday. After all, you only turn 85 once. After considerable deliberation, they decided to get Bernie a prostitute for his big day.

Fast forward to Bernie's birthday...

A knock on the door

Bernie opens the door...

"Oy vey! Such a beauty!"

"Are you Bernie Weisman?"

"I am. Such a gorgeous woman. What can I do you, young lady?"

"I'm here to offer you super sex."

"Really... so what's the soup?"

Answer 10

A guy walks in to a club looking for a friend. The bartender says "Hey pal" we're closed. The guy stagers to the counter and slurs "I'm looking for someone and I ain't your pal." So the bartender calls his bouncer to the bar....and he's this 7 ft 350 pound gorilla. Then the bartender looks at the guy and says "Oh I ain't am I....then how about him?"

Answer 11

Someone here had my joke!
The brunette counting 71, 71, 71 when the blonde walked up and asked, "Watcha doing?"
Funny stuff!