Should I leave her behind and/or am I being selfish?

Question

My girlfriend and I have been going together now for better than a year and I love her dearly. She always makes me smile when I think of her.
BUT, she still talks to her ex, and he came over for both Christmas and New Years eve this past holiday season. I was there too and it was very tense. She hasn't had sex with him and is always up front about her activities with him. I know he still loves her but she left him for me and she says she loves me and wants me to be her husband and love forever. She feels sorry for him because he has been an emotional wreck since she left him. So she is his friend. I think this guy should just move on, but he won't. It drives me crazy and I don't want my beloved talking to this guy, just because I am her man.
Do you think I am just selfish with her, and insecure about him being around, or do I have a good point that I shouldn't have to put up with her ex making appearances at holidays and calling her late at night?

Answer 1

Well cookie, out of respect for you he shouldn't be calling her anyway. It seems like this guy doesn't care that she is with another guy. His actions are showing it. Your girlfriend needs to respect your wishes. Her ex should not be hanging around anyway. He won't get over her. He refuses to move on. My boyfriend and I had the same problem. My ex emailed me and I continued to talk to him, I would never let him call me NEVER would invite him over or go anywhere with him, that would just be a no. But my boyfriend got very jealous, and once he found out that my ex still loved me he wanted me to stop talking to him. I put myself in his shoes, and because I loved my boyfriend and because it was making him uncomfortable, I stopped talking to him. My ex wasn't beneficial to our relationship at all. He was causing us to fight, and if he's not beneficial than I didn't need to have him in my life. I stopped talking to him and let him know that I couldn't talk to him anymore and that he needed to get over me, because I was happy with the one I was with. Your girlfriend needs to see that for herself. It's either you or him. She can't continue to let him hang around or hang out with him, it isn't fair to you. Make her choose. If she loves you, she'll choose you. Good luck sweetie!

Answer 2

Best advice I can give you is to do whatever will make you the happiest. If you get there and it's not what you thought and you can't stand it then you can still do what makes you happy and transfer back. No big deal. Do not feel selfish. I know about the guilty feeling though. Like you should stay behind with family. But the truth is that family is still family but things will change. YOu can come back for the holidays. Kinda like the TV movies where the characters come back and have a nice holiday party or dinner together and then go their separate ways again. Do what makes you happy for your own personal growth. Staying in the same place with the same people doesn't help you grow. I stayed. I regret it a bit. I still grew but I wish I had gone away when I was younger. I am strongly considering applying elsewhere for grad school if my program is available where I want to go.

Answer 3

You are not selfish at all. In the same position, I would be worried too. The ex should not be in the picture at all, especially during the holidays. But for your sake, don't show her your hand by telling her what you feel and all. Just bring an ex of yours who is willing to come over for the holidays and give her the same reason she gives you. Thus, without having to show your hand, risk looking selfish, being too upfront, too confrontational, etc (btw, seeming too jealous can also drive her back to her ex, so watch out there), you show her how you feel without having to tell her. Hopefully she will get the message.

Answer 4

Is he the father of her children? That is the ONLY reason I can think of that it might even be remotely acceptable to have him around for holidays.

If he is an ex-boyfriend - then she needs to completely end that if she's ready to be serious with you. If she is talking marriage, it shouldn't be so difficult for her to let him go.

No, you're not just being selfish and insecure. It's ok - NORMAL in fact, to want the one you're with to be WITH you and only you. Do you stay in touch - that closesly with an ex-girlfriend? I'm guessing, NO, because you're ready to fully commit yourself to this new girl.

Know why the guy won't move on? Because she doesn't really want him to. If she really wanted things to be OVER between he and she, he wouldn't be coming around for the holidays and such and there wouldn't be any activities between them. You're smart and have some self respect if you move on.

Answer 5

No, your not being selfish. If she is your girlfriend and loves you then she should not be seeing her ex at all. He does not understand that she is feeling sorry for him, he thinks she is giving him more time to try and win her back. You need to tell your girl friend that you don't appreciate being with her when her ex is around and she needs to decide to whom she would like to be with. One or the other but not both.

Answer 6

You're not being selfish - she's the one in the wrong. Let he ex's family feel sorry for him. She's with you and she should stay out of his business. Her ex should NOT be going to the same functions that you and her attend.
The ex needs to move on before he destroys your relationship with her. He appears to be the one who is being selfish - NOT you. Have a good long conversation with her about this - if she can't get him out of her life - then leave her.

Answer 7

Well, since she left him for you I can see why you're insecure because getting involved with someone in a relationship is part of your worldview and MO.

Don't have any advice on how to make this easier for you, frankly I think you're probably getting what you deserve.

I imagine this probably sounds pretty harsh, but I have rules about who I'll get involved with, and people in a relationship with someone else are not on my list of potential partners.

Your 'girlfriend' is even a worse villian than you, continuing to string this poor guy along and have him come for the holidays?? Sheesh - what are you guys, junior high schoolers? If it isn't the ex, it will be someone else...it's part of her worldview and MO too.

Answer 8

You're not being selfish...your human and it sounds like you care about this girl lots. Give her credit for being able to break it off with him to be with you...certainly says a lot about her character which is a good trait! I think you are entitled to be able to say that you don't want to spend time with him...yet cannot tell her she cannot...she is not a possession and it sounds like she has a huge and caring heart. Trust her and give her a little credit, as it sounds like she is being very honest with you and the last thing you need is to nag her about this other guy to the point it puts a wedge between what sounds like a great relationship you guys have. Afterall, she broke it off with him versus having several relationships going on with the both of you....so she doesn't sound like the type who would be playing you.

Answer 9

In this situation, you simply have to choose what is most important to you. Do you love her enough to stay with her even if she does maintain a friendship? Do you think that she is likely to succumb to another relationship with her ex?

If you are not sure, than maybe consider talking to her. Lay out the deal, that you are thinking of leaving because you are uncomfortable with this arrangment. Suggest that you think (or better yet, use the word "feel") that for his own personal development, that she needs to sever the relationship because he is still carrying the hope of a relationship with her (and he probably is) and that it may come down to a choice between him or you.

If she truly loves you, than she will probably find a graceful way to end it with him. If she is ambivalent, or really does still love him, than they can go be happy together, and you can go about the business of finding someone right for you.

Answer 10

I think you should have a good talk to your girlfriend about this ex of hers as it does seem as if he is after getting her back! I would not allow her to see him and he shouldn't be calling her late at night either! He obviously hasn't got over her and if he keeps calling her and seeing her, he never will. So she has to break the tie she has with him and let him go! Maybe you should ask her this question? 'DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME OR DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO HIM?' She can't have you both!!
Good Luck!!