private wedding with only witnesses and his 9yr old daughter?

Question

she happens to be developmentally and physically delayed in all areas. sweet girl, but she has no concept of what we're going to be doing. She had a fit when my fiance told her the 3yr old brother won't be there. She expects to be the flower girl and walk down the aisle, but there won't be flowers and no aisle. she's likely to throw a tantrum and begin whining at some point.she's expecting me to wear a white dress and that certainly won't be happening. she had only the image of what she's seen on tv and movies and expects our ceremony to be the same and it will be far from it.
I don't think she should be there, but it's not just my day, either. How do I tactfully express my concerns to my fiance without sounding like an insensitive jerk?

Answer 1

You can't. If you start excluding his children now, what next? And while I certainly understand your concern, this should be an opportunity for you to grow closer to his children, not start pushing them away before you get down the aisle.

Answer 2

Is this child going to be living with you? If she is, I feel sorry for the child. One cannot reason with a child who is developmentally challenged "in all areas". There is no reason why this child could not carry a basket of flowers, and stand nearby. You say that she is "likely to throw a tantrum, and begin whining at some point".....have you seen her do this often.? What makes you think she will do this at the wedding?

You need to face the fact that you just don't want this child there, Does your fiancee know that you feel this way about his "sweet girl"? A child like this one is a life-long commitment, and you should give some serious thought as to whether you are ready to assume that responsibility on a full-time basis. Not once did you mention that you love this child. Is the 3 year old yours? How do you feel about him?

I wish you well, but for the sake of this child, and her father, it is time you told him how you feel. No loving father will expose a child, who already has social adaptation problems, to an uncaring, cold parent on a daily basis.

Answer 3

I recently got married, my husband and I eloped to Las Vegas and did not tell a soul till afterwards-one of the reasons was that everyone had 'expectations' of what OUR wedding was to be. We don't (and wont be) have any kids but I do have a little sister who also had a lot of expectations as to what her supposed role in my wedding would be (which would have been NONE as we had planned on having an adult only ceremony originally). You first need to talk to your fiance. You should be able to be open and honest with him about how you feel and what you want and reach a comprise as to what is and isn't appropriate. This day belongs to the two of you not your future step daughter and while she is going to be a part of your new family there also needs to be an understanding that there is adult time and adult needs and she doesn't get to dictate what occurs. Speak to your future husband, tell him you worry she will be bored or not fully understand how important this day is and then maybe you can put her in charge of a special part of the event that gets her involved but still not in the wedding. Maybe she can be there for pictures before hand or dinner afterwards. There should be someone that is in charge of her that day thats not in the wedding (does she have a babysitter?) But its important to set a tone now or your going to have a rough road in the future trying to get her under control. Good luck to you! Remember it is your and your future husbands day.

Answer 4

Well, it sounds like she is not having her expectation managed. She SHOULD have a concept of what you will be doing. Tell her the plans and have her involved, you women specialize in the crazy details, and even though it's not going to be a traditional style there are still little things that you can do to include her in the ceremony. The fact that she expects something that isn't going to happen is her fathers (and your's) fault, it's not something you should blame her for as if she's stupid.

Answer 5

You can't really express that you won't want her there... one of the many challenges of blended families. Show her you wearing the dress or suit or whatever before hand. Maybe give her some flowers to hold for the ceremony, and she can lead you into the room. Make her feel included, but slowly introduce her as much as you can to the fact your wedding is going to be small, intimate, still romantic, but nothing white and frilly.

Answer 6

Listen dear, the kid is for keeps.

You are the one throwing the tantrum. If you don't like it then I suggest you rethink marriage to this guy.

And you seriously expect to be a 'significant adult' in this child's life? Bad start sweetie.

Go find yourself a Ken....I think Barbie finished with him

Its not your day by the way....Women in the west grew up. You may not have noticed.

Answer 7

Are you prepared to be the stepmother of a child that throws tantrums when things don't go her way, not to mention her other limitations? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if you are not willing to, then perhaps you may want to re-think about getting married...

Answer 8

When you speak to him, make sure you make it clear that you just want to make sure she understands and is comfortable so she can enjoy your day too. Don't make it about you. Make it about her and him. After all, you don't want him to be unable to enjoy the day either.
Maybe there's a way to make her understand, like taking her to the place you are getting married ahead of time. Get the fits out of the way before that day and maybe it will be ok on the day of.
Congratulations, and Good Luck!

Answer 9

There is no way out of that one. But maybe suggest that she will be bored or that you don't want to dissappoint her. Create a positive distraction, like 'grandma wants to have the day with you'

Answer 10

Sounds like the NINE YEAR OLD is a spoiled brat. This is what you'll have to put up with from now on. Will you be able to handle it? Do yo think you'll have a say in discipline? Speak up now or you'll have to live with this mess from now on. Tell her that if she doesn't like what her FATHER and YOU are planning, she's not invited. It IS about you and her father.