My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and because of that we feel that the choices that are being made should be up to us. But his mother will not stop offering her opinion. Normally I wouldn't mind, but she keeps putting down ideas that we both love because it's not how she would do it. She's also a very Catholic woman and my fiance and I are not and this is causing conflict between the two of us and with her. How can we politely ask her to keep her opinions to herself? We don't want to alienate her.
2007-01-20 05:56:01 · 19 answers · asked by kissongstress54664 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Since you are paying for your wedding yourselves, then you have every right to choose the things you want.
Just smile and thank her for her input ("Thanks for the idea, FMIL! I'll keep that in mind!") then do what you want anyway. if she persists or is man about it, just say, "I appreciate your concern, FMIL, but Fiance and I would rather do xxx." If she throws a fit, just shrug and say, "Sorry you feel that way, but we've made our decision."
Make sure you and your fiance are a united front. Better yet, HE should be standing up to her himself.
It might also work if you give her a project or tasks to work on, to keep her busy. Pick something you don't really care too much about (maybe favors, programs or pew decorations) - if she keeps offering help or her opinion, make it seem like this is a really important task that you desperately need her help with, and encourage her to take a lot of time working on this. If she's offered you monetary support, maybe she can host the rehearsal dinner or a brunch the day after the wedding.
But keep this in mind ... you have to learn how to deal with this now, or how to nip it in the bud. Because if she is this persistant about your wedding, then it's just going to continue throughout your marriage - where to live, how to raise your children, how to manage your home, etc.
2007-01-20 06:04:39 · answer #1 · answered by BeatriceBatten 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Politely listen to what she has to say, nod your head in affirmation, then go do whatever you choose. You certainly don't want to start your new marriage with bad feelings. If, after the wedding, she asks why something was not done her way...simply say we decided it might be best otherwise and drop it. Although you may feel she is being bossy ...I'm sure she only has your best interests at heart and wants to feel a part of it all. After all, there is nothing wrong with listening to, and considering her ideas...maybe just maybe one or two might be in agreement with yours and then you can brag her up for coming up with the idea....wouldn't that just make her day. Remember mother-in-laws are human too.
2007-01-20 06:11:38 · answer #2 · answered by Jan J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really empathize with this situation you're in. It sounds like there's not much of an "open" communication here, and by that I mean honesty. If you want to crack at the root of this problem, you guys are going to need to tell her how you feel about your wedding, and her opinions. You can do it tactfully, by indirectly bringing up the wedding plan, and talking about things you "for sure" want to do. If she fires back, say "We respect your opinion, and don't like opposing you on this, but we have a different idea of what we want to do, and ask for your support in that."
You may be just as frustrated after you try to openly communicate with her, but then, at least you tried.
One other piece of advice, don't let her see your frustration, any time she is acid to you, respond with warmth. Do this over and over again, and there's a GREAT chance you'll see real change in how she treats you guys.
Good luck!
2007-01-20 06:05:58 · answer #3 · answered by Robert 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't really have to be polite. If you don't stand firm right now then next thing you know is she'll be telling you how to run your house, raise your kids and everything else. Stand your ground and let her know that she had her chance to do it "her" way when she got married and now you two are going to do it your way. Be strong. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to come to the wedding. You don't want a controlling mother in law. It would drive you nuts and could destroy your relationship. Just tell her!! She'll either get over it or she won't.
2007-01-20 06:01:49 · answer #4 · answered by beccam1962 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you ask her to butt out, you will alienate her. She will feel uninvolved and unwanted during what should be a happy time for all. Instead, maybe suggest that your fiance talk to her, alone sometime soon (maybe while at lunch with mom, not a specific "appointment" to talk to her). He could just sutble suggest that the two of you are getting alot of ideas thrown at you (dont point out that its mostly from her) and that its overwhelming. That would probably clue her in to back down a bit and just be supportive.
2007-01-20 06:02:53 · answer #5 · answered by acweyman0906 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I bet if you told her in the very nicest, sweetest, gooeyist way that you want to make decisions about your relationship together and not with others................she would STILL make sure that everyone knew how slighted she felt. Also, this is a fantastic time to find out how your future husband handles situations between you and his mom, if he cowers down and let's mom have her way, I would run run run as far away from him as possible and never, never marry him. If on the other hand, he steps up to the plate and lovingly tells mom that you two want to make the final decisions regarding everything going on in your lives, well then you got a guy that will be therefor you, marriage or not.Good luck.
2007-01-20 06:05:39 · answer #6 · answered by fisherwoman 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a future mil i am concerned- obviously you dont agree with her ideas at present but it sounds like you are shutting her out completely- it is her son getting married too. if you are using a notebook of somesort to track your ideas/purchases/expenses (something that really helps btw)
-each time she offers a suggestion- write it in your book. she will feel that you are taking her seriously. when you are working on a page (say on flowers) her ideas will be listed with all of yours & any one elses that you have jotted down. you may surprise yourself one or two may actually work for you.
and yes give her a job to do -a real one- and not something thats busy work. the most traditional, i think is the rehersal dinner. let her go at it. believe me it will help matters. she can use her taste/ideas - all you have to do is acknowledge her work and enjoy the dinner- win/win in anyones book
as for the church thing. you might consider speaking to HER parish priest explain to him why you are uncomfortable with a wedding in the church and then you can honestly tell her you have spoken to him & with his support wont be doing the wedding there. assuming thats how the conversation ends. (i attended a beautiful dual religion ceremony held in the brides church but the grooms priest officiated as well).
besides he may have great suggestions on how to deal with this situation with the grooms mom.
just remember- yes this is your day- but its the grooms day too and if you both alienate his mother completely he will be unhappy and that would be a sad way to start your married life.
take care and have a lovely day- and a happy marraige- perhaps you will break my record (we have been married 32 yrs now)
rj
2007-01-20 06:41:55 · answer #7 · answered by cometkatt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear, I have a BIG flash for you. There is no polite way to tell your future mother in-law to butt out, but here is a suggestion. Thank her for her opinions and her suggestions, and then proceed to do WHAT YOU WANT TO! Sinc eyou are paying for everything yourselves (accorrding to you) then you call the shots. Be firm, and proceed the way you want. However, don't expect her to like you for it. She is not going to, so you better face up to that now. And realize too that her little baby boy will probably not back you up on this one, as most guys don't want to go up against their sainted mothers. You will have to be the one to tell her. And you will need to be prepared for years of her butting in. Just a warning.
2007-01-20 06:01:06 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Politely remind her that she is not the one getting married. If she was putting money to the wedding, then she could comment. But since she is not, she should keep her comments to herself.
I would also stop sharing your ideas with her.
2007-01-20 07:31:13 · answer #9 · answered by Shanan D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, your future husband should be the voice in this one. I would probably say something like, "We really appreciate everything you have done for us, but this is something that we want to plan together." If she continues to put down your choices I would say something like, "Although this may not be the way you would do things, this is our day and we only get one chance please let us make decisions based on what is right for us."
2007-01-20 06:13:10 · answer #10 · answered by Stephanie B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋