How do I deal with inlaws who are spreading vicious lies about me?

Question

I have tried my best for 10 years to be the perfect d-i-l. I came to know recently that my inlaws have been spreading lies to their other son and relatives that I have not fed them well when they visited us 5 years ago and that I have not treated them well. My inlaws are very controlling and until my husband married me he has never said no to them for anything!From the beginning of our marriage my mil -fil have tried to create a wedge by telling my husband that he should keep his wife under"control" and tell him that they "know that he is unhappy being married to me". My husband and I have a terrific relationship but my inlaws insult me at every opportunity and have bad-mouthed us (including my parents) to everybody. He is very hurt by their behavior and talking with them ends to be a melodramatic screaming session. My inlaws have fought with every other relative including their own parents. Now their claim is that I have "separated their son" from them. How do I deal with them?

Answer 1

My h and I were dealing wtih the same type of situation. Although we lived on a working farm in GA, we moved. We sold 1,000 acres of our farm and just up and moved to get away from his crazy mother. Oh, it's sad and we regretted doing it, but it was either stay there and deal with her constant crap, which, of course, always led to us fighting or us move away. If it's as bad as you say, I think it's time to get away from them. If you already live far away then tell your husband that he can keep his relationship with them, but that you are not interested in talking to them or hearing anything about them. You should make sure that they also know that you are writing them off. Tell them that they can say or do whatever they like, but that you will not talk to or about them anymore and will appreciate them doing the same for you.

No one needs the crap that you're dealing with. I hope things get better.

Answer 2

There's a really good book, called The Four Agreements, which likens abuse of this kind to poison. You have a choice to take this poison from your inlaws, or to not take it. Family problems are not easily solved; there is no clean easy way to answer this. You have no control over what they think or do; you do have control over what you think and do. Refuse to accept their poison--let them know you want to have a relationship (if that is what you want) but you cannot accept their behavior. No one is too old to change--that's a fallacy--there are only people too scared to change, or too lazy to change. Change is difficult, and it's not something undertaken by the faint-hearted. So if they inlaws don't want to change, you can make the choice to limit your exposure to them. This is a really difficult situation you are in, as you and your husband are being asked to choose between people, and that is something that someone who really, truly loves you, would not do. They would love you where you are at, and love you for who you can be. And that could be another option for you: can you love the inlaws where they are at, for who they are? Can you see what it is that makes them this way at all? Perhaps by trying to see where they are coming from, you might be able to eventually come to some peace with them, at least in your own mind....good luck.

Answer 3

You're in a tough situation but its time to take the high road.

Your inlaws have a pattern of controlling and manipulative behavior. They've allready allienated your extended family- they can only do this to you, too, if you let them.

You need to "be the bigger person" here. That means that you ignore, 100%, what is being said about you.

Your family already knows the kind of people your in-laws are. I'm sure they know that whatever they say must be taken with a grain of salt. Don't worry about their views-- does it really matter? Its what your immediate family (husband, kids, etc) feel about you that's important!

Have an honest talk with your husband. Saying "I'm concerned about your parents. I know that you love me and I'm confident in our relationship, but I'm concerned about their behavior." And be HONEST with him. Do NOT play the blame game. Do NOT point fingers. Just be open and frank with him. Words like "I feel" help b/c it is a personalized feeling and he cannot fault you for feeling that way, even if he disagrees.

Your job is to remain as unaffected by your inlaws as possible.

Next time they visit and make a rude comment, calmly say "Wow, I'm sorry you feel that way, Mom. I can't imagine what gave you that feeling." and leave it alone. Don't say anything else. If she continues to poke at you with verbal jabs, etc, then just continue to be 100% impassive. "Well that's an interesting perspective. I've never heard it put that way before." etc.

They WANT A REACTION! They want to see that they have control over your life/emotions/etc through their controlling and manipulative tendancies. They get joy and satisfaction from you loosing it!

Just ignore their behavior. ITs VERY hard and it won't always work. You may blow up once every few months. But the more you can learn to ignore their behavior, the more it will lessen. They want a reaction and when they learn they aren't getting one, they'll move on to a different family member.

Talk with your husband. Tell him that you may need a little reassurance b/c you're worried that his parents might drive a knife between the two of you.

Do NOT ask him to choose between you and his family. You may not win!

Instead say "I know your family is important to you. But they don't always make me feel welcome. I want you to have a good relationship with them but sometimes I may need a little extra reassurance that you aren't going to leave me because of something they say."

This shows you want him to keep seeing his family (which is important!) but you also need him to be aware of how they make you feel. That way if you get upset, he's prepared for it and can console you (or stand up for you, depending on the situation.)

Best wishes.

Answer 4

Are you as shocked as I am as to how many "in-law" horror stories there are? You go through things like this and think it can only be my family, Yikes,,,,,,,,I too am a statistic on the in-law hurricane of life. It is horrible how family can turn on their own for petty sake. It is sad the gaps that are caused because of jealousy and anger. Don't even get me started on DRAMA . Families have lost respect for "freedom of choice" when it comes to the new daughter or son "in-law". I have married twice and still have not picked a man suitable enough for my family. As a result I live 80 miles away and only visit on occasion. I have seen it all , and have been through it all . Perhaps your husband could pave the way for you by letting them know that the anger must stop , NO IFs ANDs OR BUTs . I keep a safe distance and only appear when needed WITH my husband . It is still a work in progress for us . Stay connected with your husband and show the strength of UNITY. Show the family that you can not be broken no matter what the issue . It is a slow and painful process and so sad to go through . Best of Wishes

Answer 5

Know EXACLTY how you feel...having the same problem! The vicious rumours and lies hurt the most because they came from ppl you loved, respected and thought they felt the same.
We got along pefectly as well especially face to face...but when your back is turned, a completely different story!
My husband and nearly separated several times due to the fact that the P-I-L constantly made me feel like I wasn't good enough!
They gave us no other choice but to cut them out, we still love them, but the family we have created together is more important to us. We haven't argued nearly half as much as we used to, and thats because I'm not constantly paranoid, about not being a good enough wife to my hubby or mother to my three children.
ANYWAY...Deal with them anyway you see fit......don't worry too much if you hurt their feelings....have they worried at all about you, and how you feel when they have spread those nasty rumors? I highly doubt it.... GOOD-LUCK!

Answer 6

Time for you and your husband to pull back from you in-laws. They are obviously control freaks and very nasty to boot. I would send them a detailed letter explaining why you are your husband can no longer be around them. Make sure your husband take the lead in this---he needs to send his parents a message that he loves you and is on your side. I would say talk with them but from what you've set they would flip the conversation into a major fight. Others know the deal with them so just move on and dont worry what they say---you and ur hubby love each other.Blessings

Answer 7

Older people have their own ways and we can not change them. But we do not have to put up with the ways that they treat us. Just put up guard and don't be part of there game. Distance yourself, dont visit, dont call them, and give them time to reflect on their behavior. I read a book about seniors and they go through some tough times emotionally and sometimes they take everything out on us. Just take care of your man and your children if you some and especially yourself because they can cause a lot of stress and that is not healthy for you or your spouse. Hang in there we all go through tough times with our families. Well wishes and have special time alone with your man.

Answer 8

I think your husband and you both will be happier by not contacting his parents. No need to create any more scenes - just stop contacting your in-laws. If they are going to be at an event, don't go. If someone else asks you why you mistreat them, let that person know that nothing you did satisfied your in-laws, that they continuously tried to put a rift between you and your husband, that they hurt you and their own son. Just do it calmly, rationally. That will be much more credible.

Answer 9

As long as your husband is not listening to what they are saying and you two have a terrific relationship let them talk their smack just ignore them. When they realize that they aren't getting to you they will stop.

Of course the monster in laws are going to talk about you because yes they feel like you took their boy away from them but what they fail to realize it may be their actions towards you that will drive him away.

Good Luck down the line things will get better in the meantime just let what they say go in one ear and out the other.

Answer 10

Tell them that is all 'THEIR' doing. You have tried your best
and can do no more. Your husband has had to be piggy in
the middle for years through controlling, nasty parents. Ask
them if they love their son and do they want him to be happy?
Because they have a funny way of showing it. It is so sad that
they are speding so much time on this vendetta with you. Does
your father in law keep his wife under 'control'. The question I
think you should be asking is 'How is your husband going to
deal with them'? Because - they are HIS parents you are his
WIFE. He should be telling them that you are his wife and he
loves you and if they want to keep him they had better keep
their thoughts to themselves.