alcoholic husband ruining my life.?

Question

My husband has a severe drink problem 12 months ago. Spring this year he dried out and went into AA. However, it kept creeping back only one or two, now and again. He decided he wasn't an alcoholic, and that he only agreed because of the arguing. I was labelled controlling, by all his friends and family. So over christmas I said we could have a few, but since then he had drank every day, we argue all the time, as he says im getting on his nerves going on and that he is not an alcoholic. He isn't going behind my back anymore which was killing me, but he's slowly drinking more and more everyday and starting earlier (only larger)
What can I do, its making me so depressed and Im having panic attacks. Help

Answer 1

hard one. if you can picture your life without him and can see a brighter future i would find a way out. On the other hand if you know when hes not drinking he is a good and loving man i would go to al-non in your area and seek there help with coping. Just remember alcohilicism is a disease. Betty Fords husband is the founder of AA and in a story i read about her she said she couldnt wouldnt leave her husband if he had cancer so she wouldnt leave him with this disease.

Answer 2

Yours husbands friends and family are what is called enablers. I bet they drink too. Some of them probably are alcoholics.
I dont think you are controlling at all. I think you are looking at a problem which has gotten to the breaking point and it is now affecting your life.
To be honest, this sounds very realistic to me. My 54 yr old boyfriend has gone thru 2 wives and now lives alone except when I am around. He nearly died from organ failure a couple years ago because he is such a drunk. He was in the hospital for a month in a coma going thru withdrawl. His liver, kidneys and pancreas shut down. By the miracle of God, he is still alive.
His adult daughter moved home and started drinking in his house and after 3 yrs of sobriety, he started drinking with her and her husband. No guilt. I see her as a self serving slob with no class.
Like your husband, he does not have the will to stop drinking unless it is a whole life change with family support.
I think you need to give your husband a choice. STOP drinking or I am outa here. It will never end with no friend and family support. You deserve better. Peace

Answer 3

I believe your husband missed one important point with AA. "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic!". He should have taken each day one at a time. He should have never taken that first drink again. He is heading right back where he was. He also needs to do it for himself - not you. You should have encouraged him to try to get through Christmas without any drinks. Since he was in AA, encourage him to talk to some his friends in that group. Maybe have some of his friends talk to him. He has a real problem and needs to get back on the right track.

For you -- Get help yourself. There is a "Wives of Alcoholics Group" that will help you cope with your problem. You can locate that group through your local Mental Health organisation, your pastor or doctor, or maybe through AA.

You can start now by not arguing with him about his drinking. Encourage him to talk to AA, but never when he is drunk. He probably wouldn't remember when he sobers up.

Answer 4

How much is he drinking every day? If it started as a reasonable amount, say a couple of cans and you strongly disagreed then perhaps your insistance that he stop alltogeather pushed him to continue and as you give out to him and have a row pushed him to drink further. You did not say wheither he is working or not. If he has no job it is easier for him to fall and drink. Is he getting drunk every day? You too can get help from AA. Go yourself to the AA and try and arrange the following: If he has a heavy drinking session some evening try and get the AA to come to your home at the same time as he is getting up out of bed and let them talk to him and then both of you.He himself, in the first instance, has to see what problems he is causing and then WANT to stop. Once he does stop there is no going back. He cannot drink again or he will laspe back to his old ways. And my advice to you is if he does give it up, dont you have a social drink either. Both give it up, even at Christmas, Weddings, parties etc. etc.
This problem is not an easy one to solve and even more difficult for the likes of me, who has had 30 odd years of living with an alcoholic wife, to advise so far removed. There are many reasons why people drink to excess from medical problems to mental and stress. Try and find out if he has a medical imbalance in his system.
Again I urge you yourself to talk to A.A. they really can help and give much better advice than I.Go also to Al-Anon, they too will help.

You obviously still love your husband and want to help him.

Go and get your panic attacks sorted out and look afteryourself too. He is going to need your support more than ever during his first month or two to help him stop drinking.

I wish you every success but I can assure you it will be a long hard road but hopefully you can and do persevere. Believe me it is woth it in the end. It will, at first, be filed with rows, arguments,and full of verbal abuse and slanging matches. All said in the heat of the moment. Be prepared, if you love him enough for all of this and possible more.

I did and we won! Life is now great and we can sometimes look back and laugh.

But please get help, you cannot do it on your own.

Best to you & your family,

John.

Answer 5

To be honest with you, if i was in that situation i would leave. I know depending on circumstances it might not be easy but if you have family you can turn to then i would. They say an alcoholic never changes,although that can be wrong. I would also see a doctor regarding your panic attacks. I take them as well and don't know why. I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 6

You need to leave, it won't get any better, and even if he does stop drinking it will be a dry drunk until he goes to a rehab a few times, he will continue to do this over and over again. I have seen alcoholics enter rehabs multiple times. You need to get sick of it enough to help yourself out of it. His "friends" are keeping his drinking going by putting the blame on you. Which It is NOT your fault that he's drinking. His family is enabling him to drink. Get help for yourself. Be good to yourself cause no body else will.

Answer 7

You can't can't help a person who is in denial n doesn't want to be help.
Start putting energy into your life n what you want for yourself.
I know it's very heartbreaking n frustrating to have a loved one bring so destructive... but your part of the problem is you're neglecting your own healthy n need to fuss over his addiction n choices - which you can not change.
Advice your husband to seek professional help. But don't fight to convince him that he needs it - cos he knows it deep down, but he needs to make that choice on his own free-will.
If you can't bear watching his destructive behavior. Tell him so. Tell him if things don't change by a certain time, than you're leaving. N if you do leave, stick to your choices.
You deserve a healthy relationship with a responsible adult.
Remember, you can be there for him if he is committed in recovering n seeking help, but it's not your responsibility to fix him.

Answer 8

been there done that, you cannot convince someone they have a problem. If he wants to drink he is gonna drink. I learned the hard way. I tried to convince my ex he had a problem. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Now with that in mind you need to do something about yourself and let him worry about what he is gonna do about himself. I know its hard but its the truth.

Answer 9

Dont worry about him. There is a support group called Alnon. I hope i spelled that right. It's a support group for the family's of alcoholics.

Answer 10

Unless he accepts he has a problem he wont get any better, it will just be a long downward spiral until he can no longer deny he has a problem. I would seriously consider getting out of the marriage if it were me;