Think about this the next time you board a plane...?

Question

These are actual conversations recorded by ATC towers around the world. Kinda makes you stop and think about why there aren't more accidents in the sky...
Actual exchanges... between pilots and control towers...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadelou
pe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground : "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.. Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was
dropping things and didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong tur n and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking:

"Ma'am, ..... Was I married to you once?"

Answer 1

A few years ago there was a flight approaching Glasgow airport in Scotland. The captain was on the speaker and the announcement went something like:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We have just started our approach to Glasgow and will be landing in about 20 minutes OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!"

There is complete silence in the passenger cabin.

"Hello again ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about that! Just as I was speaking to you the stewardess was handing me a cup of coffee which spilt into my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"

A Glaswegian voice piped up from the passengers.

"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Answer 2

I can't resist answering this one. I'm an air traffic controller at the Chicago ARTCC, aka "Chicago Center". Although I have heard nearly all of these jokes before, they just never get old. Almost all of these exchanges were tongue in cheek, or just meant for straight-out hilarity.

Most all air traffic controllers have had a few exchanges with pilots that at the least give us a great chuckle. One of the easiest ways to get a laugh, when it's slow of course, is quoting a line or two from the movie "Airplane" when possible.

A recent exchange went like this;

SWA flt: "Center, can we get Flight level 380?"
Chicago: "Surely, you can't be serious! Climb and Maintain flight level 380."
SWA flt : "Of course I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley, climbing to flight level 380."

Answer 3

Well thank you so much.....I'm wondering if I should stay home this year ! Made me recall the time I was in our local airport cafe and the table behind was full of flight staff. They were deciding on if they should have another glass of wine and did so. My brother said " I hope they're not flying your plane." Turned out they were. A few months later, most of the crew were on the news, charged with being way over the limit and being in control of a plane when they knew they'd had too much booze.

Answer 4

It's refreshing to hear they are human! We use humor to get us through hectic days. I am not a pilot, but would imagine their work days as hours of boredom occasionally punctuated by fierce activity. The classic "hurry up and wait" syndrome.

Plus, most of us don't work in an environment where a cockpit recorder captures everything we say, or radio transmissions are public and can be intercepted by anyone.

Answer 5

Always had my suspicions. Once at Dublin airport went out the gates onto the tarmac looking for our plane home, when all of a sudden heard a whistle, looked up saw the pilot hanging out his little window, beckoning us his passengers in the direction of his plane. Made little mental note to self that it wasn't a good sign professionally and spent the 45 min flight time with buttocks clenched vowing to pay full fare price next time and fly with a different airline next time.

Answer 6

wow those are great lines, but seriously you have to understand how much fun an unidentifiable radio can be. I work at a ready mix yard, and every so often jokes like these come across the air only they usually involve teenage women drivers

Answer 7

These were funny as hell, especially the one where the british pilot told the german one he had to speak english while in germany because germany lost the war. F'ing hilarious.

Answer 8

Many of these are probably true, but I don't think a UA 727 would be anywhere near LGW.

These sorts of things are part of what makes aviation so fun!

Answer 9

HA HA HA HA HA.........that is pretty funny.... and this doesn't worry me because even though they screwed up or said something stupid, it is still good for Ha Ha's...which we all need a daily helping of...even pilots, ground control, approach, and tower operators.

Answer 10

True happenings, or not.........I enjoyed reading them........Bravo!