We are trying to figure out what to do. What are pros and cons of adoption?

Question

Have you ever had a bad experience with adoption? If so, what?

Answer 1

i'll start with the pros. i am looking at pics of my beautful 1 year old daughter, and it will now be difficult to think of the cons. she was adopted. we came to this decision after years of fertility treatments, and we were faced with the choice of did we want to be pregnant more than we wanted to be parents? to us there was no choice, we wanted to be parents more than anything. we weighed the risks. we had already spent over 30k on fertility treaments, (insurance wouldn't cover), and had had one miscarriage out of two years of continous treatments. one success that had ended so sadly. we were at the point of stopping or going down the road to ivf. the cost of ivf could be near 16k, with only a 25-35% chance of implantation, and another chance of miscariage. or we could adopt and have over an 80% chance of success, (with the correct agency, you can have over an 80% chance of success) and the cost be around 20k. but with adoption we would have the adoption tax credit, and child deduction. now we removed the financial consideration, it's sad you have to figure money in but you do. the emotional toll the fertility treatments had taken on us, and what the miscarriage had done to me emotionally. (i'm sure my husband to, but he never let on) emotionally we were done with the monthly rollercoaster, never knowing if and when we would ever get off. adoption had it's emotional risks, but with our track record they were less risks than that of an involved fertility cycle. we dove into the adoption world. we researched, and discussed what our wants were for a child and contact with the birthparents. age, race, special needs, etc...we came to a decision and then researched some more. we found an agency we were comfortable with and took a leap of faith. a leap backed with more information and fact, and a higher chance of finally becoming parents than we'd ever felt with fertilty treatments. within 48 hours we were matched with a birthmother, and a little over a month later we watched our daughter come into this world. my husband cut the cord and handed this beautiful baby to me. with our state laws the papers were signed 12 hours later, and it was binding, just one court appearance to make 6 weeks later. but the birthmother could not change her mind. so with light hearts for the first time in years we took our daughter home. we jumped through that last loop of a court appearance and follow up visit from the social worker, and have enjoyed life as parents ever since.



as for the cons. the hoops you have to jump through are tough. you must prove yourself. your personal life will be intruded upon like you've never imagined. family and friends will have to write reccomendations about you and how you are like you've never wanted anyone to. your employer will have to not only vouch for your work ethic, but personal nature. you will clean your house like you never have before for a homestudy. where your home will be looked over, (although it's not as bad as you imagine it will be). if you have pets, they also will have to prove themselves to be good animal citizens. you will write checks and shell out money like you were born with a titanium spoon in your mouth. and you will still wonder could it be true? is this going to happen? or am i just spitting into the wind? you might have to make a book of your happy home, and prove it to be like disney world, or so you think you need to. and you will wait. and then wait somemore. then one day the call will come and you will cry. then you will feel so nervous you want to vomit when you first talk to the woman, who is carrying your child. you will spend the time waiting for her to give birth afraid she will change her mind, while telling yourself that she does have this right to do so. you will become her friend, but still not be able to trust her because the most precious gift anyone could ever give you is still hers. when the baby is born, you will cry again. but still something will tell you not to be too happy because she can still decide to parent, and that it is her right to do so. and even for awhile after all the papers are signed and the baby is yours, years and experience of fertility treatments have tought you not to trust, not to feel too much, because it can all be taken away in a moment. and if the birthmother decides to parent, which is her right to do so, you will once again be devastated. you will have to find a strength that no human should poses, to continue on. either to wait again, because that child was not yours, but yours is out there somewhere. or come to terms and accept a childfree lifestyle. sometimes the emotional and financial toll will be too much. and you will once again have to ask yourself, pregnant or parent?


my best advice is find an agency that accepts no large sums or any funds upfront. that will rollover your fees into the next situation if your bithmother decides to parent. one that will offer you emotional support. and a good adoption attorney. because in the adoption world only your attorney is for you. the agency in the end is for the birthmother, your social worker for the child, and all you have left is your attorney. and that's another con to adoption. when your only true friend in your corner is an attorney, lol.


this was my experience from a domestic, newborn adoption. fill in and add according to wether international or older child. my agency showed me the way to our child. she is ours in everyway except genetics. we still speak with her birthmother. and we are friends with her, with no hesitations now. all i can offer you is hope and support if you need it, from experience. email me if you like. and to ask you what a very wise person once asked me, it changed my life forever............do you want to be pregnant or a parent?


my best to you. no decision is wrong. as long as you find a peace and happiness that will allow you to enjoy life again. but you have to take a look at yourself, why are you wanting to adopt. just being a parent is not enough. don't think you are saving this child. the birthparents love this child too, or they would not be making this plan. we've had people say to us that we have saved our daughter from poverty. we did not. she has saved us, the way any child would have adopted or biological. my personal belief, it that the child should know they are adopted, and not have it continously pointed out, but she needs to know the facts of how she came to be our daughter. we decided to keep in contact with her birthmother, the thinking is that this way, for one we'll keep a good friend, two our daughter will grow up with contact and experience with her birthmother, and know she was not "given" away, that this is not her "real" mother, instead she will know that she was and is still loved very much by this woman, who is her mother, but the mother that gave her life. i am the mother that is going to teach her how to live life. she is our "real" daughter, who just happens to be adopted. you need to set a healthy set of expectations for your child. truth, love and guidance will go a long way. educate others when you can around your child. if they say things like real mother, let them know in front of the child that you are indeed the real parent, you are not imaginary. instill in them self worth and respect. it's all any of us parents can do for a child biological or adopted.

Answer 2

my friend had two great experiences and one terrible experience.

The last one is the one that flopped. The birth-mother really wanted my friend to raise her baby, but the paternal grandparents did not like my friend's religion (even though the real father didn't care). The Paternal grandparents took the mother to court and got special treatment because they are part of a Native American tribe that has certain rights over the baby if the mother decided not to keep it. Even though the baby lived with the adoptive parents for a few months, the courts ruled in favor of the father and his parents. So the birth mother decided to keep the baby. This was so hard on my friend and her family!

Okay, now that the horror story is over I've heard a lot of great things as well. It really makes a huge difference where you adopt from. The first two babies my friend adopted where through a program in our church. The third was a private adoption (no agencies at all). It helps to work through a reputable agency that has all the legal hoops figured out. They do their best to protect the adoptive family, birth mother, and most importantly, the baby.

And here is a link from a guy I know on a different forum. He and his wife adopted a baby from Korea and are so happy. He created a page on the internet called Thinking About Adoption?

http://positionrelative.wordpress.com/2007/01/13/thinking-about-adoption/

He talks about the process of adopting from other countries if that is something you are interested in.

Hope some of this helps!

Answer 3

My sons are adopted, but they are adopted from a family member so we did not have the same course of action as adopting through an agency. I can tell you for me though, the benefits are amazing. I got to pick my children up from the hospital and take them straight home with me. They are twins, 2 1/2 years old. However, some potential negatives, depending on the state you live, ( i think most states are around the same) The birth mother has 6 months to change her mind after the adoption. That is a risk. Also while in the process of adoption if adopting for a pregnant woman, she could change her mind before the baby is born. The money you invest (even my private adoption went close to $10,000 total) could be lost, or you could find it is beyond your means financially. There is so much to consider. I suggest calling an adoption lawyer in your area, and an adoption agency who can best describe the process to you in detail, including risks! A good lawyer will tell you the risks (ours did) But....to give a child a home who needs one, and to have a child come to you and love you, the bond you develope...it is truely amazing. To me my adopted sons could be no more mine then had i given birth to them. I think adopted children are extra special because we chose them. It is really something you need to consider pros and cons before deciding....i adopted and now i have having 1 biological child (due in march) I'm glad i got to do both. Its amazing! Good luck to you whatever you decide!

Answer 4

If you have any misgivings about adoption, don't do it. Because the attitude of the parents are the biggest thing that affects how smoothly an adoption goes. My little sister is adopted, and it's perfect. She was the perfect addition to our family, she's treated no different than I am (I'm biological), and she does know that she's adopted, always has (she's 8) though it's not pushed, like some silly people tell their kids their special b/c they're adopted. Kids are special b/c of who they are.
I have seen adoptions that were clearly a bad idea - my ex was adopted and he's a sociopath (has no conscience for his actions). He didn't properly bond with his biological mother who refused to hold him for three days and then refused to care for him. And didn't bond with his adopted mother, either. He says there was a clear difference made between him and his brother who was biological. Adoption is an awesome choice to make, but you have to check your attitude above all else to let you know if it's the right decision for you. Make sure you don't think of it as doing a favor for the child, or that the child would be 'staying' with your family. An adopted child ceases to be an 'adopted child' the minute he's untied with his family. Then he's just...a child.

Answer 5

I are not able to let you know the professionals and cons of a mother, however I can let you know what the professionals and cons are for a little one. I used to be followed at 3 years historical I were with my followed loved ones on account that 10 months and I'm 15 now. I'll begin with the professionals. a million) you have got a loved ones that loves you, two) understand topic what you are saying or do your loved ones will continually bee there to prefer you up, & three) you've gotten given them a greater danger at lifestyles.The cons are a million) they will suppose like they do not belong. two) they will suppose like nobody fairly demands them, three) they will suppose like there now not essential, four) whats my loved ones background/ wherein did I come from, & five) why are not I with my start loved ones/ did Ido some thing mistaken. I desire this helped. I suppose the professionals over trip the cons. I love my famiAnn and those are simply my opinion. Your child won't suppose approximately any of this. Im penning this at 12:fifty five am and I stayed up final night time as good, so I might not be considering correct. I simply desired to support. Bye

Answer 6

My husband and I are "waiting parents"...we completed our homestudy in April of 2006, and are trying to patiently wait (could be up to 2 years )(con), before we are chosen/receive a placement. Do your research. For Us, it was an option for us to finally have a family, as what we really want IS TO BE PARENTS(pro)...After years of infertility, and several miscarriages, Adoption became our option to be parents and start "our family" (pro). If you decide to go that route, be prepared to not "have control" (con), you are at the mercy of someone else, whether it be an agency or if you go the private route. There are always risks.....baby's health, a placement where the birthmother decides she does not want to give up the baby, all of the paperwork, FBI backround check, criminal backround check, full physicals, HHS inspections, social worker visits, autobiography, etc., etc. for the homestudy, can take up to 3 months for approval (con)....HOWEVER, even with all of the cons, as you can see above, NONE of them really compare to the biggest PRO of all. You will not only become a parent, you will be giving a child an opportunity at a great life that someone else could not have. Do you research, read, read, read!!!! Subscribe to Adoptive Families magazine, read chat boards, attend seminars and meetings, and start TALKING ABOUT IT!!! I could not believe how many of my friends and acquaintances were either adopted, or had adopted children, and we did not even know. Good luck to you, again, it is your option, but a great one too.