Why does he do this? Is it normal?

Question

me and my bf have been together almost a year and a half and lived together a year of the relationship. We have a baby girl who is almost 4 months old. He told me the other day that he doesnt trust me like he should because of the way his ex wife did him. I have trust issues also but mine are because of how i was "mistreated" as a child. I dont blame him for it but i cant get close to anyone because of it. So really i answered my own question to a point. But how do i get him to see that im not her and im not going to do anything to cause him hurt. Me and him have discussed my issues and he is understanding of them. So i guess i just need for him to see past what she did to him and see that im not like her? What do i do?

Answer 1

Time is what it takes to trust people; and that goes both ways. Having a child involved requires you both to put in the extra effort to get past the past and give your best.

Answer 2

It's normal. My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now, but we did take a "break" a little less than a year ago. The reason was because of the way I was acting and the fact that I wasn't there for her the way I should've been. While on this break she kissed a guy a few times, nothing more than that, but the fact that she did this when I couldn't bring myself to hook up with any girls because she was always on my mind kinda hurt my self-esteem with her. It's taken months for me to get over it, even though he's moved far away and was never really a threat, and even though we're together again and have been going stronger than ever for 7 months since the break, I still have issues with it. She's had issues with worrying that I'll go back to being a not-so-great boyfriend. But over time I've showed her that I'm not going back to being that guy anymore and she's gained her trust in me again. It took time though and i guess that's what I'm trying to say. I know a baby and a relationship over a year should prove to him already, but you're going to have to give him time. I'm sure he wasn't completely fine with your past issues either, and even now he could still have trouble dealing with it in his head. Time time time. Waiting is the only thing you can do, but while you're waiting..... continue to show him that you're not that woman and that you're gonna be there for him. Eventually he'll be able to handle the issue. Best of luck with everything.

Answer 3

Speaking from experience, I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I, too, have trust issues because of the way my ex-wife did me. It's hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you've been burned.

If you truly love him (which I assume you do, considering you posted this question, which also tells me that you DO want to work out your issues), then the best thing to do is simply be there for him.

Understand, too, that you've already overcome a huge milestone, given that he's even divulged the trust issue to you. So that means that he DOES trust you, to some degree. He let you in, so therefore, he does trust you.

But if he's concerned that you're going to be just like his ex, then my advice is simply not to be like her. Be you. Be the woman he fell in love with. Be the woman he chose to bear his child. Once he sees it enough to get it through his skull (and we men can be quite thickheaded sometimes), he'll not worry about it so much.

We can be quite driven by our fears sometimes. Figure out why this is such a big fear and then work through it together. It's the only way it will work between the two of you.

And two more things that will surely be of help to you: One, don't give up on him, ever. Even when things seem like they're at their worst, just be there by his side, where you belong.

And two, make sure you tell him you love him. Do it frequently. I speak from experience when I say that he needs to hear that as much as he can, because he's going through a very doubtful time in his life. He needs to know your true feelings for him. Just love him.

And keep your chin up. If you can work through this, you'll be just fine.

Answer 4

just be you. he is already with you because he doesnt see his ex in you. i dont know if you got that. basically if he thought u were anything like his ex he wouldnt be with you and he wouldnt have had a baby with you. but you both do need to sit down and talk about your fears and figure ways to stay away from them. in a relationship there should always be trust for everything not just certain things. the longer you have mistrusts about each other the faster you 2 will drift away from each other. so basically you both arent giving each other 100% and thats what both of you need to start off with. coming into a relationship with trust issues is just writing yourselves off to a quick ending

Answer 5

Yes you are right, you did answer your own question.
Just keep reminding him that you aren't "HER".
Plus remind him that unless he changes his thinking, HE will eventually cause the thing he fears the most to happen, as long as he remains determined that it WILL HAPPEN.

It's true because all you have to do is ask him how long he expects you to stay in a relationship where he punishes YOU for HER bad behaviour. So as long as he functions under the belief that you will eventually do him wrong, & he directs his anger for her towards you, then it's pretty much a given that you will leave him. Thus fullfilling his self propelled profecy.

Answer 6

it very normal to feel as both of you do, there are trust issues that
both of you are having and it not going anywhere just because you
have a child together the problem is still there , it time to really
talk to someone about what going in your life. other wise this
relationship will not last.

Answer 7

i would say, you would have to show him, how much he means to you, either thats in a letter, or thats taking him to his favourite restaurant for a great night out. Doing something together that means something for each other to know that u both will not do anything to hurt each other.
He has to realise that its going to take time for you to get close, but let him know that it will happen, just not over night. and reassure him with that knowledge, that for him to get that closer to you and for you to let go of those trust issues you have, will make u guys so mcuh stronger and so much happier for the rest of your lives.

i hope i have made some sense and help you. :D

Answer 8

My ex had an ex who treated him pretty badly and sometimes it got in the way. He'd freak out about something and I would ask why and he would say that it was something his ex used to do and I would yell "I'M NOT HER!!" I may have gone a little overboard sometimes, but the point is that all you can do is remind him and show him how much you love him. It's up to him to get over it.

Answer 9

i was with someone for ten years who had trustng issues from his mother and bad relationships. he also used it as a game of control always trying to get his approval. it's not a healthy environment for a baby. babies are information sponges. they will have problems in there relationships if you argue in front of baby. look at you future wisely for two.

Answer 10

Have a long hearted talk, tell him that you love him and you wouldn't hurt him. Tell him that if he really loves you, he should trust you with his heart. Let him know that you will give him time and ask him to try and to open up more.