My wife calls me abusive?

Question

Ever since I hit my son he's listened to me welll, almost like he's feared me, right? well, i tried real hard not to hit him, but he mouthed me off so i smacked him across the jaw.

Now my wife's threatening to leave me because she said that is full-out child abuse. Is there anything I can do? I feel horrible!
Additional Details

0 seconds ago
he is fifteen and i just cant controll my temper... i may have hit him once or twice before...

Answer 1

When I got back from Iraq my head was a little scrambled. The soldier way of doing things was NOT the normal way of doing things. I was committed to changing my aggressive behavior so I talked with my wife about it. I realized that I didn't even realize that I was losing control of my temper until well after it was too late. So, we came up with a system where she would say "TONE" when I appeared to be getting out of line. That was my signal that I was going too far and that I had to IMMEDIATELY stop and reconsider my words and anger level.

Try this and it will help. Most of all... do not hit your kids. Acceptable corporal punishment is on the butt WITHIN REASON!! If you want to hit someone fairly then go to a bar to prove yourself. However, I realize that you aren't doing it because of that. You simply need to talk with your family about this and start the code word system AND FOLLOW IT!

Also remember that hitting your 15 year old will only build more aggression and violence. He will learn to strike back eventually and take it out on his loved ones, too. Do you want to be responsible for that? You're a man. He's a child. Your child. Make sure you force yourself to keep that distinction or it will be too late.

Finally, apologize and DO NOT REPEAT IT. By merely asking this question I can tell you want to change. Do it now.

Answer 2

You definitely need to get help with your temper. There is no reason to hit your son. Teenagers mouth off, that's what they do. Get help to find ways to deal with this. You are the adult and are suppose to be a role model to him on how to handle things. Is this the example you want him to follow? He will fear you and resent you. He will not respect you.

If you really feel horrible, the best thing to do is to seek professional help, tell your son you are sorry about the abuse, that you handled it the wrong way, but are working to be able to handle arguments constructively and maturely. He will respect you for admitting a mistake and trying to change. Teenagers are like two year olds. They want independence, but they still need your love and guidance, but also your respect. He is a person and has rights. Just because he does something you don't like, doesn't mean you have the right to hit him.

Maybe you could both go to family counseling so you can both learn how to deal with each other.

Answer 3

i think at 15 if you haven't earned his respect by now then physical violence against him is NOT the wt

don't get into trading words with him - consequences are the name of the game

so long as he knows what the actions are that the consequences are for

try and make sure that the consequences match the situation (this takes some thinking about!) as well as the comparative severity of the offense

my son talked back to me today whilst he had been playing with his PlayStation

as an apology wasn't forthcoming my punishment was to remove him from his PlayStation for the whole weekend (plus any adults do NEED to be aware of this also so that you are working together rather than against each other)

however if you are going to smack a child avoid the trunk area and head because these can cause damage to organs - but avoid doing it at all and find alternatives

Answer 4

You shouldn't teach your son out of fear. All that teaches him is to fear you...is that how you really want your son to feel about you?

Instead, you should communicate to and educate your son on WHY what he did was wrong or "bad." Explain to him what consequences are in store for him in the REAL WORLD if he continues to think it's okay to act that way or do what he does.

If he still doesn't listen or improve his behavior, then he'll just have to learn the hard way - by losing friends, jobs, etc. or even by getting in trouble with the law. Of course, no parent wants to see this happen to their child but sometimes it's the only way...to have them learn for themselves where it will get them.

But my main point is, you really need to get a grip on your physical anger towards your son. It's not only an ineffective form of discipline but it's also ILLEGAL...and you could find yourself in trouble with the law AND losing your family. I suggest that you make an appointment to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist ASAP to see if you have a real anger problem. Then, if you are diagnosed with an anger problem, get yourself involved with an anger management program. It will probably be the best thing you could do for yourself and your family.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Go to anger management classes and really try and learn to control your rage, yes hitting someone is abuse and should never ever be an option your wife may feel threatened because if you've hit your son maybe you will hit her if she ever put you in a bad mood. Tell her that you do feel bad and seek help and show her you will try and controlling your anger before you loose your marriage.

Answer 6

I've been sitting here for the longest time trying to figure out how to respond. Like everybody else, I'm angered that you would hit your kid -- regardless of what he did, he didn't deserve that. Too often people confuse fear with respect when it isn't the same thing. Do you really want your son to afraid of you? That just builds anger, resentment and hate. It also could perpetuate violence in your son.

Teen years are trying times -- I know I've given my mom & dad their share of gray hairs. I've lost priveledges because of things I did...typical teenaged things, (I was no angel). I got through these growing pains without them getting physical with me and I turned out just fine. I love my parents.

So, as upset as I am that you did what you did, It's brave of you to post your issue knowing how it would be received. It acknowledges that you made a mistake and want to do something about it. Start by a heartfelt apology to your son and to your wife. Make no excuse about your behaviour and vow never to do it again (and mean it). Tell them you will take anger management classes and go regularly -- that, and with time, is the only way you will win back their trust and love.

I wish you luck.

Answer 7

I would have left the first time you hit my child. Any chance your son is one of those slender 15-year-olds who are about 10 years away from reaching full maturity? (brains and bones aren't finished maturing until 25)

If you are not able to control your temper and if you honestly love your son then the best thing would be for you to do what is best for him, which is not live with him.

He may indeed fear you, but that doesn't equal loving you or respecting you.

Answer 8

I would not call hitting your child 2-3 times over the course of their life abuse, but you should try to limit it to their butt, not their face. My step-son was 14 when I met my husband and believe me, there were times I would have loved to have smacked him and his smart mouth across the room, but you have to have control. Teens are notorious for being obnoxious and instigators. You just have to be the bigger person and walk away. When he smarts off take away privliges. My friend's son was being a complete jerk when he was 14 so she took everything but his bed and dresser out of his room...no TV, computer, DVD player, etc. She boxed them up and put them in storage. He had to earn the items back a little at a time with good behavior. When he backslid she took back something he had earned back. It took about 5 months for him to finally realize that his behavior had better improve for good. He is now 25, a college graduate (He was in danger of flunking all his freshman year classes in high school) is married with 2 kids of his own now and doing great.

Answer 9

Your son is 15 and learning how to be a man. Don't punch him in the jaw! I'm not against spanking, but dude, your boy is growing up and learning about himself. Do you want him to fear you or respect you? If you really feel like you may have control issues then maybe you should find a good councilor. Good luck with that. And apologize to your son.

Answer 10

To me abuse means that you are constantly hitting the kid...HOWEVER, it is NEVER okay to hit. I am a kindergarten teacher and these are the exact words we use with children who hit others. It is never OK. When you hit your child you are telling him two things. 1) hitting is a good way to resolve your problems or take out your anger and 2) you don't mean very much to me.

My advice: Stop hitting your child. Find someone to talk to about managing your anger and how to deal with the difficult teen years.

Best of luck.