how to discipline a child that hits?

Question

i need some help on discipining my neice. she is 6 she is always hitting my son who is 7( they recently came to live with me) i don't want to teach my son to hit girls i have always taught him that this is unacceptable behavior. however i am not going to allow him to be her punching bag. i have tried a couple of times to spank her, but i really don't feel that this is going to solve the problem. i need some suggestions on what approach i should take in this situation. i am at a loss and at my wits end with it. i should also add that she has had a bit of a troubled life., father in and out of jail, mother that is neglectful emotionally to her, i have also tried talking to her about it, nothing seems to be working . help!!! serious answers only please!

her mother lives with me also, she doesn't throw tantrums, she is sweet with me but we have always been close, but she is mean and hateful alot with other kids and her mother(this is understandable), she lies and is sneaky about things.

colleen, I do not abuse my kids or anyone elses, and there is nothing wrong with a pop on the butt on occaision, granted its a very rare occaision that i need to spank my children, actually a study was done recently about just that subject and a good portion of criminals were never spanked. however a majority of the test subjects that were spanked became productive members of society. now this is spanking not beating i never spank my kids anywhere but their butt and its usually a pop maybe two, never when i am angry and i never use anything but my hand. alot of people believe that you shouldn't spank with your hand but i will not hit my kids with anything because if its my hand i know how hard i am hitting. and futhermore these kids are living in my house i will treat them as i do my own children, especially since their mother doesn't discipline them right if at all.

oh and also after speaking with the child who she has been getting hit by was some other children where she used to live, so she had to start defending herself. and it seems like it has turned into agression now that she's gonna hit before she gets hit

thank everyone for the wonderful answers i really can't pick a favorite because so many were great answers. i will let voting pick.
PS. i did tell her to try the punching bag with a pillow so we'll see how that works.

Answer 1

this poor kid. sounds like she sure has had role models worth looking up to... i can almost imagine her confusion, anger, frustration, lack of self image. useless parents, both gone, new house, different adults with different expectations... a wild, scary world for her right now. you don't say how long she has been with you. start with self esteem. i am not saying don't spank - but she has probably had her fiar share of abuse by the sounds of it. self esteem building, praise, goals with positive re-inforcement in this child's case. get her involved in an activity that is special between just you and her. make it a weekly event. don't withold affection as a form of punishment. time out away fromt he family - for an hour - on a chair - no toys or distractions int he room - no coming back sooner, and time outs longer if the tantrum continues - then once over, back in with your family in the same room. pretend like she wasn't missed - but do make her feel a part of your circle when she's back - so hard to advise on something like this without knowing the child. but patience my dear - thank you for caring enough about her to ask here, but i would consult a professional child counsellor in private. sure its good to talk, but sounds like this kid has had her share of adults who don't live up to their words - the proof will be in your actions in keeping your word to her. right now she probably doesn't trust a soul. you need to prove yourself to her as much as you expect things from her. bless you. keep on track - you will restore her faith in humanity.

Answer 2

At the age of 2 and under, they're testing what they can and can't do --- what you have to do is distract them. It's really really easy. Get their mind off the cat, for instance by putting something else in front of their face.....they forget what they were doing -- If a child is having a temper tantrum, you hold them tight in a hug and don't let them go. One, they feel secure; and two, they know YOU are the one in control -- this can be tiring but it works. You start using the word "no" right away and they know what it means. My grandson is 1 and if you tell him "no" when he goes to touch something he shakes his head no and he stops touching it. If you say it sternly, he'll cry (he's not used to stern voices). I don't know what age you are talking about hitting a kicking you --- I raised 2 boys (men now) and have 2 grandchildren and none of them ever resorted to that so.... I did use time outs and standing in the corner with my boys when they did something wrong and they KNEW it was wrong. If you have anything expensive around, kids can get into mischief -- remove the expensive items -- why risk it? At the same time, YOUNG children should not be left unattended regardless so you should be able to catch them and keep them from destroying something.

Answer 3

I suggest that her mother get involved and become proactive in this situation. I was in a similar situation with my nephew biting my children. Do not allow them to be together out of your sight until this clears up, and explain to them why. A 6 year old with your nieces history has no idea how to deal with her emotions so she gets overwhelmed and strikes out. Buy her an inflatable punching bag ( $5 at big lots). When she gets angry or hurt or sad let her go punch the crap out of the punching bag, when she's done, talk to her about her feelings, what made her feel like hitting, and what did she feel like after. Ask her for ideas of other ways she thinks can get the same result without becoming violent. Let her know that anger and frustration and confusion are all okay feelings to have. She just needs to find the 'okay' outlet for them.
p.s.
tell your son I'm real proud of him. Real men don't hit girls (and pat yourself on the back). He is doing his cousin a great service by being patient with her. He is fortunate to have a stable home life, she is not. Your son has good heart. One day your neice will grow up and adore her cousin.

Answer 4

My son hits, too, but he is only ALMOST 3. I think older children have a more serious issue. It may be that because her parents were a bit inattentive, she didn't learn that "we don't hit" when she was younger.......... when my son hits me, my husband, the cat, whatever, I make him take a 5 minute "time out" (sitting in a chair facing the corner with no distractions) and then he has to come back and apologize to whomever he hit.
We talk about why hitting is not nice, and read books about it (there are a lot of kids books on this..........check ebay if you don't want to spend the cash on a new one, or look at garage sales).
Try some "wholesome" videos like Veggie Tales or Sesame Street, I think they have special episodes devoted to not hitting.
Above all, keep in mind that your niece has had a troubled life and may need a little EXTRA attention. You should NOT allow your son to be the source of her aggression, however. While he shouldn't "hit girls", maybe it would be OK for him to find another way to defend himself against her?? Are either of them in karate? That is a good outlet for anger and teaches children discipline and good values. I don't advocate your son "hitting back" but "self defense" is a different ball of wax, you know?
She may just need to adjust to the new environment - I don't know who "they" is when you say "they just came to live with you"........if one of her parents is there, she may be "establishing her territory". (Not acceptable either)
I hope some of these suggestions work, and God bless you for taking this lost soul in and trying to work with her.

Answer 5

I would tell her that if she hits again she will have to sit in a quiet place (corner, kitchen table, etc.) until she can get control over herself.

When she is calm, she will be allowed back out. If she hits again, repeat until she gets it. Do not allow the other child to observe the discipline or make comments to her. She needs to be completely set apart from the rest of the family until she controls herself.

Screaming and pitching a fit, get zero response. Let her go. She'll stop when she realizes no one is paying attention to her.

You might want to invest in some earplugs before you do this, so you don't lose your mind the first few days after you implement this. It is tough and stressful, but it works.

Also, when she comes out of a control period, go on as if nothing happened. Do not allow the other child to make fun of her for getting in trouble.

Answer 6

Counseling could be good, but maybe you can just go and talk with her and then have a dinner and talk about the weather or something you all enjoy. Maybe give them a candy or something just for a treat or something and if they break the habit encourage them to keep it this way but dont give in to giving them all this. Sometimes a good spanking is in order. I am 13 so I have no idea about parenting. Hope this helps ^_^

Answer 7

Sometimes when a child hits they are craving attention. You said her mother doesn't pay any attention to her. She might be jealous of the relationship your son has with you and so she wants him to hurt like she might be hurting. Children need to know that they are loved and they need to be shown love. Sit her down and have a talk with her. Tell her you love her but you don't like her actions when she hits. Since her mother isn't filling her needs please try to show her that she is loved and that you care about her. Maybe you could schedule some one on one time with her to make her feel special. I know you have your own family but please try to make some special time for her. She might not know how to act any other way. God bless.

Answer 8

Your neice Just needs love, You are doing the right thing but telling your son not to hit. Now i have two boys they are always playing but sometimes they hit. I try to spend time with your neice by herself. spend time with your son by your self. but when she hits your son or even you just walk away from her, and take your son away for the problem. Tell he to sit on chair for so many mins. a min for a age. if is 6 years well six mins. You are trying and that is good. Don't hit her that is what she wants. Even try taking her toys away from her and tell her that she not get them back till she is good.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Obviously someone has been hitting this child and as for YOU doing so, if it were my child that would be the LAST thing on this earth you would ever do. You do NOT have the right to put your hands on ANYONE else's child. This child has been hit and has some issues with anger and should be in therapy. Continueing to hit her isn't going to solve anything...(shudder)

Answer 10

Whenever your niece hits sit her down no matter where she is and tell her she cant speak to anyone until she can admit to you that she knows what she did was wrong. Do this EVERYTIME no matter where it happens and it has to be immediatly after she does it or it wont be effective. Even if it's in a groccery store.
Good Luck