Hey people??

Question

We are having this joking contest at school (don't ask me why) and there are 5 kids including me that are competing and I need millions of jokes! Tons! But since it's at school in front of people try not to listen to that little evil voice in your head to write down dirty jokes ok? thanx!

Answer 1

why is Saddam Hussein so dame insane

Answer 2

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, h alf-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Answer 3

haha i love these:
#1
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

#2 (maybe not appopriate for school...?)
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Answer 4

Two friars opened up a florist shop across the street from another local florist. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the other florist lost all of his business. He decided to go over to the friars and beg them to close thier shop, but they would not listen. he then sent his mother over to ask them to close up, but they still would not listen. he then hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest, toughest, bully in town, to "convince" the friars to close shop. Hugh went over and destroyed the flowers, beat up the friars, and took their money, Which just goes to show (are you ready for this?!?) that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

Answer 5

enter name here, a boy scout, and Shaq are in a plane. The pilot comes into the room screaming," Oh My God, we're going to hit a mountain!!" and takes one of the three parachutes.enter name here says," I'm really important, so I should get the next parachute!" so they take one. The boy scout says to Shaq," Shaq, why did enter name here take my backpack?"

*put anybody's name where it says enter name here*


three guys were in a plane and had one item. the first guy had an apple and dropped it out the window. the second guy had a banana and dropped it out the window. the third guy had a bomb and dropped it out the window. when they were on the ground, they saw a boy crying. they asked him why he was crying and he said," I was walking and an apple hit me on the head!" so they walked on. next they see a girl crying, and they asked her why she was crying.she said," i was walking, and a banana hit me on the head" so they walked on. They saw a little boy laughing, and they asked him why he was laughing, and he said," my mom farted, and the house fell down!"

Answer 6

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?

One's white, plastic, and dangerous to children, and the other one's a plastic bag!

You can't beat Michael Jackson jokes!

Answer 7

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Europe.
.........................