How do we tell my family we're getting married? (Please see detail)?

Question

My father is one of those guys that wants a man to ask his permission to marry his daughter. I always thought that that would be fine, until recently. My boyfriend asked my dad's permission, and my dad said no...for the following reasons.

1. We don't go to church. (I was raised in a very religious family, and I've decided to stop going to church and give myself some time to discover what I believe. My parents HATE that.)

2. My boyfriend is overweight. (Personally, I think that my dad sees that my boyfriend is a better man than he is, and this is the only thing he can really find wrong with him.)

Now, I respect my father, but these reasons are silly. Regardless of his motivations, I believe that he is looking out for his own feelings rather than my well-being, which is the point of asking his permission. Because of this, I have decided to marry my boyfriend without my father's permission. (BTW we are both adults, living on our own). How do I break the news to my family

without causing major problems? Should it be public, private, matter of fact, joyous, apologetic? What do you think?

Answer 1

You poor poor Dear... I am soo sorry to hear this... I wish I had good news for you, but while you are correct on those being silly reasons for him saying no, there is no way to tell them you are getting married anyways, that won't cause problems.
While those were the reason he said out-loud, there may be other reason he hasn't mentioned. I am not sure what the relationship is like between you and yuor parents, but i would suggest talking to them, just you and them alone, and explain to them that you love your boyfriend (leave it like that for the moment), and that it really hurt you to hear that your father said no when asked for your hand in marriage, and you were even more hurt to hear the reasons. Then ask him, is there something else that he didn't say, that is the real reason for him not giving permisson. Hopefully there is a better reasoning, if not......
I wish I could tell you the best course of action to pursue after that, but all I can say is listen to your heart & your mind.

if things still don't pan out with your family, but you are certain about marrying our boyfriend/fiancee then I would tell them, but expect them to be angry. Because if they said no, and you do it anyways (even if it was for the best), they are still going to be mad and hurt.

I will keep you in my thought and wish goodness and happiness for you!!

Answer 2

Are these reasons that your father GAVE you for saying no? Or are these just assumptions that you made? If you're just assuming, you need to ask him straightout why he said no... he may have very good reasons.

As far as the first "reason" goes, he is probably just looking out for your best interests. When people from two different religions marry, they often have different opinions about important life matters, and may not have the same morals/values, which can cause major problems later on in your life.

Also, if you are "both adults, living on our own" why is it necessary to have your father's permission? On the converse, why is it so important to you to ask his permission, if you are just going to do whatever you want anyways?

A marriage is a bond between two people. However, that doesn't mean that other people aren't involved. Friends and family can be a wonderful support system and huge influence on a married couple. Burning bridges with your father (and possibly other family members, by the sounds of it) is no way to start off your married life. Newlywed life is difficult, and having a supportive network can make it much easier. Put some serious thought into what you are doing, before you alienate yourself from your family completely.

Answer 3

I agree that these are silly reasons. He may be honestly concerned about the church part, but you aren't a child anymore, you are old enough to make your own choices. If church isn't for you right now, then you shouldn't be punished for making that choice. The other reason is absolutely ridiculous. I think he just made it up so that church wasn't the only reason for saying no. I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down with them, just the four of you, and just honestly tell them how you feel and that you respect their opinion, but that you have to do what will make you happy. If your boyfriend had no job, no way to support you, etc, he might have a point, but just cuz you don't go to church? I'm sorry, that's not good enough.

Answer 4

Considering how your Father has not given you consent, would it really matter if you tell them or not. Either way, the brides parents usually pay for the wedding and if they do not agree with whom you have chosen to marry, then be prepared to pay for the wedding yourself. Unless, his parents are willing to help you two out.

There is truly more to your Father's decision than you think...although you are an adult, you are still his daughter...and perhaps his little princess... or it could be that your boyfriend is not financially settled or within a career and even though "religion" may seem not to be a factor now, later within the relationship of marriage, this is where that will surface...perhaps if you and he were to complete a year of being engaged, then that might help your parents to recognize that you and he are meant to me and prefer each other.

Don't marry him based on assumptions you think of your Father, marry him because you know he is truly the one...he respects you...loves you...honors you...is financially capable of taking care of you...is trustworthy, has similar interest to you, etc....Also, did your Father just state that to your boyfriend, directly? All this needs to be taken into consideration because with you being raised they way you have...you know that to enter into a marriage is a lifetime commitment to that one only. Good luck and be Safe...(smiles)

Answer 5

1)If you don't know yourself well enough to know what your spiritual beliefs are you don't know yourself well enough to even consider getting married.
2)No matter how upset/angry you are with your father if you don't have him there you will ALWAYS regret it. I really can't imagine a father having a major issue with fiance's weight if he treats you with respect and is willing to love you no matter what.

My advice take sometime for yourself. Figure out what you believe spiritually, give your dad and fiance time to really get to know one another. You may be surprised by what you find out.

Also, I agree 'asking permission' is silly but remember your dad has spent 21 yrs being main man in your life...he loved you first. The permission thing is a matter of respect.

Answer 6

I went through this when I was married, my wife's family was very controlling and would make rules as to how often we could see each other, when we could and could not get married, they would impose curfews ... we were both 25. We did everything we could to make them happy but learned that, in the end, it is about what makes you and your fiance happy. Just tell them what your intentions are, and that this is what will truly make you happy. Your parents sound like the type that might also respect this more if your fiance is there when you tell them.

Beyond that - it's your life, and your both adults. You are making the right decision to do what you feel is right and not cater to your family.

On a side note also be extra sensitive to your fiance's feelings ... he is in an uncomfortable position ... in between the woman he loves, and her family.

Answer 7

These are very silly reasons.
I guess what I would do is tell Dad that out of respect that you b/f did ask his permission but as an adult the decision is really yours and you have said "Yes."

I would inform him that you are getting married and invite him to share your joy. And if he cannot, as much as it may hurt, then Dad is the one with the problem.

Answer 8

Yikes thats so tricky. I think your dad needs to get over it and realize that this is the man you love and he makes you happy. If your father can't deal with the fact that this is the love of your life and that you are a grown woman who can make her own decisions then that's his problem. I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about your man and lay out on the table all of the good qualities about him. Good luck!

Answer 9

Tough situation. I think you should talk to your father, and tell him all of your feelings. Tell him this man can support you and your future, regardless of your inactivity in church. And maybe someday you sill go back? Well probably just communication ( which im sure you know.) But if those are the only reasons thats ridiculous.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear that your dad cannot be supportive of this exciting time for you. His reasons are very silly and I agree with your move to get married. I would tell him one-on-one (its more intimate and less threatening than with others around) and just explain to him what you mentioned above and end it with, "I really hope that you can be there to support me". Hopefully he will think about it and come around....and if not then it is his loss. You cannot have other people's actions dictate your life. Best of luck and Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!