Estranged parent/child relationship, how do you prepare/deal with their death?

Question

My relationship with my mother is estranged. I've accepted that it will not change, she is who she is. All efforts have been tried to make/ have a relationship, it is not healthy to keep.
Want to hear from anyone who has had similar life experience and the parent is aging and or has died. How have you dealt with that? What advise would you have for someone like me?

Answer 1

Yes, she is who she is AND you are who you are :-)

Try writing a letter to her, WITH NO INTENTION OF MAILING IT. That way, you do not have to "edit" what you want to say. You may find yourself revisiting old hurts, you might find yourself wanting to apologize (sort of, lol) for some things, or maybe it will be mostly about regrets that it was not and could not have been better between you. Whatever comes to mind! Then put it away for a day or two. Reread it, change it as you want. Repeat until you are happy with your letter, and then you may or may not want to send it.

My mother and I had a very rocky relationship, you know the kind, I wanted approval, she did not approve. Unfortunately, it took plain old age and then a long bout with Alzheimer's, but things turned around, for which I was grateful. First, she began telling me stories of her younger days and she became a human being with her own set of hopes and hurts. Then, as the Alzheimer's set in, it was like she FORGOT TO GET MAD AT ME LOL. At some point, I remember thinking if only there had been Prozac back then... In any case, those things set me free to love and protect and cherish her until the end. That was the silver lining.

I hope you find peace too, I truly think you will, because you are looking for it. Best of luck.

Answer 2

My husband and I have this issue w/ my mother in law. She has caused many problems in the family and between my husband and me. You can not have a relationship with someone like this. You are correct it is not healthy. My husband deals with her with hello and goodbye. Keeps on subjects about movies, new restaurants, and general who cares conversations. This is to avoid an argument. A relationship is a 2 way street and it is out of your control to try and change someone else. I would not close the door but I would not open it all the way. As far as the death goes my mother in law is still living but I lost my mother 16 years ago. Have no what ifs with your mom. If you have done your best at being a good son then, you will be ok and guilt free.

Answer 3

Have you made the effort to try to solve the problem? Without knowing more, it is hard to advise you on possible action but believe me, if you do not at least make the effort, you will feel a lot of guilt later. Once a person dies it is to late to say I love you. Just try that and tell her that even though the two of you don't get along that you just want her to know that you will be there if she wants you in her life. Don't let the idea of "being right" stop you. Good luck.

Answer 4

I hated my stepfather, yes its a real stereotype. He used to beat my mother and my sisters and I. He was a mean drunk. Then I got very angry one night and I sent him straight, promised to harm him in the worst way possible if he hit another one of us ever again.

I made my mother move us out the next day. A few months later he called to say he had been diagnosed with throat cancer and that he literally hand months to live. I was the only one who agreed to see him. I walked into Hospice a month later and saw a ghostly shadow, he was pale, very thin and clearly dying. The cancer had eaten his throat and he could barely speak or swallow.

He saw me and cried, tears fell from his cheeks. He managed to utter one sentence. He said he was so sorry for the pain he caused me. I coudn’t help myself, I suddenly saw how fragile and small he really was. I apologised for making fun of him and not being the daughter he always hoped for. We cried together for an hour and I left. He died a few days later.

My sisters and mother hate me for making amends, but its the best thing I ever did. I took responsibility for my part as he did for his and I held no anger towards him and he died with some peace. He is and will never be a saint, he just became human in my eyes.

Answer 5

My mom and I had a very turbulent relationship, very rarely seeing eye to eye. She had alot of issues (alcoholism, bi-polar etc.). At 19 I was pregnant with my third child and she dropped my teen brother and sister at my doorstep and said 'good luck'. We always mended our relationship, for the most part. I used my own experiences in life to understand her point of view. Children do not come with handbooks, and we all screw up. There is not a universal definition of how to love, and some people were not taught how to do so effectively. Take her past into consideration and try hard to accept that she is only human. My mom committed suicide almost 3 years ago. I regret not being more patient and understanding of her. I regret not loving her unconditionally. I regret not accepting her for who she was. I regret looking at her faults and not praising her for her many positives. I regret being "busy" when she called me. I regret thinking of her as an inconvenience. My advice is for you to let your mom know you love her just because, tell her today. You may never have the chance again.

Answer 6

Sometimes we never connect with people especially family. But you can try to make things right with her so you don't have to live with any regrets. Even if you don't feel like - apologize for any failures or disappointments you caused her and tell her that you've forgiven for whatever hurts she caused you. Yes, even if you don't feel like it. In the long run you'll be at complete peace when they pass away. You may never resolve certain differences but on a basic level you'll have no regrets either.

Answer 7

relies upon on which God you communicate of. If that is the Christian God that is lengthy distance and estranged yet when that is the divine forces which i believe interior the relationship is truly close and really no longer lengthy distance because the divine forces exist both interior and round me besides as each thing else in existence.