My children's father is dying from liver disease and he hasn't much longer to live.?

Question

MY son is 12 and my daughter is 14, they both want to live with him in this trying time. (We are divorced) I see how stressful it is for them and for their father who is always very sick and cannot parent very well at this point. I'm worried for my children and having to care for their father and themselves as well as depression, and whatever else they may be feeling. I am not sure how to handle this situation.
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Answer 1

I think they are at an age where they can decide for htemselves. Although they may not realize how hard that living with him will be, they can always move back.

I think it is important for you to allow them to do this because once your ex does lose his battle, you don't want your kids resenting you for not allowing them all the time they could with him before hand.

It is a tough situation for everyone involved. What does their father think about this? Maybe you could talk to him about it, and he could discuss it with your kids.

Answer 2

This is an awfully sobering question, and maybe it depends on where their father lives and whether it would affect them with their school, etc.

I don't underestimate how mature young kids can be when needed, but the other side to that is they are young; and they are not emotionally as mature as an adult is.

Is there any way the two of them could alternate days at their father's house, so they each had time with him but would each also come back to your house for a rest from it? Have they asked if their father would really want "all that on them"? He is an adult.

What if they spent after school hours and dinner there but came back for overnights (with maybe a night at his place here or there)? What if they spent the week there, and you went to check in or if they spent the week there and the weekend at your house?

Is there any way you could stay with them too? Is there any way he could stay at your house? (I know that may seem bizarre, but sometimes people work things out like that.)

Does he have any relatives there who may be the adults a good part of the time? Are they children who are pretty sensible, and who - with what is going on - would not act up and would, instead, really be mature?

When you say he doesn't have much longer to live, is that - like - a week, a month, or a year? That would make a difference too.

What if you let them stay with him on the agreement that it would be for a week, and then ask them to come back home for a day or two to kind of get things done - their laundry, any extra school reports that you have the energy to help with while their father may not, see their friends, etc. Then they could back.

I don't have answers for your question. I just thought some more questions may be at least a lilttle useful.

Sometimes in a difficult situation there isn't one answer but is, instead, some version of a compromise with the agreement to re-think as needed.

Answer 3

Are you living near enough to him that you could have the kids there more often? Do you get along well enough with him that you can take them there & work together? I don't think him having FT custody is the right answer. I understand they want to be with their father more now, and feel like they could help. I think it would be too much on him, and definitely too much on the kids. You need to talk with him and see what a solution is. I don't know what his condition is but (and I feel awful saying this) are you sure that he is really that sick? I would hate this to be some sort of tactic he is using. Probably way off base here- just wanted to have you realize sometimes that's the case. Good luck to your and your family.

Answer 4

I have no experience with this, so my advice is purely in a 'what I think I would do in your situation' sort of way.
As their mother, it is your job to keep them as mentally and physically well as possible (I know you know this) I don't think it is a good idea at all to have them live with him if he lives alone otherwise. What if he passes away when it is just the children with him? If he has in home caregivers or family, you would need to talk with them about their wishes in having the children stay since the children would ultimately be their responsibility.
Have you spoken with your ex about this yet? What does he want? That is also a very important factor.

Instead of having them live with him, is it possible for you to take them there every day? I am sure that it would be hard, but this can not be an easy time for anyone. Also, please be sure to sit down with your kids and talk to them about as much of this as you can. They are old enough for you to be open and honest with even if they don't like what you have to say.

They may benefit from seeing a counselor as well, or going to a support group of kids with a terminally ill parent. Their school is likely to have a phone number or two for you to help. I am so sorry your family is going through this. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Answer 5

So you do what you can do. Can you take the boys to their father's home more often? They need the time with him now as it cant wait for a more convenient time. I think them living there is not a really good idea as it is sooo hard to live with that knowledge. But visiting really often wont hurt them and will make them feel better. The older of your children may think that if he was there he "could do something" but thats too much for him at his age. You are really in a hard spot here and I feel for you but especially for your boys. You might set up some counseling for you and the boys to go to so they have an outlet for thier emotions. And for you, too. He may be your ex but he is your childrens father you must be doing some grieving of your own. I wish I had more to offer you. Keep talking to them, give them a little slack (but not too much) and with a good mom like you to look after them they will be ok.

Answer 6

I think that if you are on good terms with the father then you should go live over there as well to take care of him so you can be with your children also through this tough time. Or have him come over to live with you. If I were you I would want to put the burden of caring for a sick father on my children because that can make it even more stressful living with him.

Answer 7

What would you want if you were in their situation?? Or if you were in their fathers position?? U would want them to be with u..
My mother is very sick and she might die.. I am 22 and have a husband and 3yr old daughter but I still try to spend as much time as possible with my mom.. Let them have this t ime with their father and maybe u should too.. Just remember there was a time when u loved this man and the proof is u'r 2 children. ( I mean if u are not re-married)

Answer 8

You are right to be concerned for the kids if they go to live with their father! But they difinately need to spend some extra quality time with him. Is there not any way that maybe the 3 of you could go to his house and help him out. Maybe you could let them stay a couple of nights every week. I really don't know what else to tell you. I'm sorry you are having to go through this; and you'll all be in my prayers!

Answer 9

I agree with Jessica. I think your children should spend the remaining time with their father. That way they can talk, laugh, he can tell them things he wants them to know and in the meantime you can help out too.
Rather than it being a depressing time, enlighten things with memories of when they were babies, the funniest thing you both did when you met, let them know that even though you both seperated, there is a history that you want them to know.
I'm so so sorry you and your family are going through this.

Answer 10

I don't think living with their father at this point is a good thing...but set up a daily visitation schedule for them. They are old enough to understand that Daddy is very sick and can't look after them...but yuare willing to take them to visit either every day or every other day.