Pregnant 3 months after having stillborn baby?

Question

My son was stillborn at 20.5 weeks on Sept 29 2006. Dec 29 2006 I found out I was pregnant again. Of course I'm terrified. My problem is, when I was pregnant with my son, one of the girls I work with was pregnant also, in fact she was due 6 days after me. She is still pregnant and every time I look at her it breaks my heart. My co-workers are planning a baby shower for her. My manager says I should go because I'm pregnant again so my loss is "no big deal anymore"(b♦tch). I refused to go, stating that not only would it be uncomfortable for me, but it would be for the pregnant girl as well. SO she decided to have the shower during work hours. I am not comfortable with this at all and I know that I'll just wind up crying the whole time. How can I get out of this? Pulling a sick day is not an option. And remember, my son being stillborn almost 4 months ago is no longer an issue in her eyes as I'm pregnant again. The counselor I'm seeing thinks it's a bad idea for me to go as well.

I should add that it's a surprise shower. Maybe I could explain my absence to her after the shower?

My b♦tch of a manager is the one throwing the shower.

Answer 1

Oh......Bless your heart. My heart goes out to you,sweetie. There is nothing worse than losing a child. And I know personally that a 20.5 week child looks just like a newborn with closed eyes.....I was in the delivery room with my daughter when my identical twin grandsons were born 12/23/06 @21 weeks. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of those sweet boys.
And the fact that you are pregnant again does not negate the feelings you have for your son.
Your manager is emotionally bankrupt in my opinion. Is there a way you could either take your lunch at the time of the shower, or if it's later in the day, could you just leave a little early?
And good luck with this baby. Don't let the loss of your little boy make you think that you'll automatically lose this one. My daughter in law had a miscarriage in Nov. of 2004, and in Nov. 2005 my grandaughter,Molly was born as healthy as a horse!!!
God Bless You.

Answer 2

I really do sympathize with you. I lost a baby at only six weeks, but the pain was tremendous at that point. If it had been 20 like you, I would be in a mess. It took me about two years before I could even talk about the baby that I lost. I didn't understand how people could go on with their lives after losing a child, even if it was never born. I didn't get pregnant again for more than a year, but it didn't make it any less scary. I had spotting a lot with the next baby, and each time I thought I was going to lose it. I can completely understand why you would be uncomfortable. Having another child doesn't replace the one you lost. Ironically my baby was born the day before you lost yours. That is such a terrible coincidence. I know that the pain you are feeling watching her pregnancy continue has to be just awful, but I am so proud that you are seeking help from a counselor. I cried forever about my baby, and I didn't have time to get as attatched as you did.

If your boss is completely not understanding this, perhaps there is someone else in the work area that does understand that it is painful. When the time comes for the shower, excuse yourself and don't attend. I would prefer that you could call in sick, but if it isn't an option..... Maybe you could have a doctors appointment at just exactly the same time....

Have you talked to the coworker and explained that it will make you uneasy and that even though you wish her well, that it is just too painful for you? She is probably sympathetic and will understand.

People don't get miscarriages unless they have had one. Have you gone to any support sites online? There are some really helpful ones where you can talk to other moms who have gone through similar situations.

Best of luck to you, and my sincerest sympathies.

Answer 3

I am very sorry for your loss as I too, have recently had a stillborn baby. I delivered twins on Sept 21. My son was stillborn at 30 weeks and I carried him until I was almost 36 weeks. My daughter is now 4 months old and healthy, THANK GOD! I understand how you could be terrified about being pregnant again. You're going to constantly wonder how your baby is doing. I think to myself all the time, "How could I possibly ever have any more children!" I'd be worrying all the time. I have a 5 year old son in addition to the twins. We are still grieving terribly for my son. We had a funeral for him and everything. I will pray you have a healthy baby this time around. Good luck to you!!!

Answer 4

So sorry for the loss of your son. I've been in your shoes. I lost my firstborn, a son, in August 1999 at 21 weeks. I was working at the time and another gal was pregnant the same time. She worked from home so the office didn't throw her a baby shower, but when she returned from maternity leave and came in with her baby, she was telling me she was sorry with tears in her eyes. Very difficult, but like you, I got pregnant right away (2 months later) and had a healthy, full-term baby girl. I feel for you having to work in such a hostile and unforgiving work environment. If you feel up to it, I'd chat with the gal who is pregnant (I KNOW, believe me, how hard it is to see other women who are pregnant when you've just had a loss, but try to remember that her pregnancy is a happy time for her and your happy day will come too) take her a gift and personally give it to her and explain that it's just too painful for you to be there. I'm certain that she'll be understanding and that's all that matters. If your manager makes a stink, tell her you spoke to the gal and she knows you are unable to make it. If your manager pushes it further, I'd be ready to walk out and go to HR and complain that you're being harassed. Doesn't sound like a great place to work. Best of luck...

Answer 5

I don't think I would go. I had a still born baby after I had 2 healthy babies and it was all I could think about for a long time. I later had 3 more Healthy babies. It is a long time ago now and I no longer feel sad because I realize that there was probably something about the baby I lost that would have caused to never be healthy. I did worry a lot with my third baby because of the loss but she was born 3 weeks late and healthy. I still occasionally wonder about why I lost that baby.Go with your councilor said and good luck.

Answer 6

Wow, This the situation is the same as I was in only a few years ago . I how ever lost my first preancey at 6 mmonths, and I like you was scared to death about every thing. I was so scared that something was wrong with this baby too. I will be honest I worried thru the whole pregancey Untill I diliverd him and heard him cry. He was a beautiful baby boy 9lbs 15oz. he is now 7 years onld and I recenty had a nother baby and onmce again that overwhelming fear steped in but he too is fine. be careful, and keep all doctor appointments. BUt I want to let you kow I have been there and know exacty how you feel. I send my best wishes to you and your child.

Answer 7

You need to speak to your boss' supervisor or to your HR department. Explain that your child died, it's not just a case of having a stillborn. Tell them that you are under grave emotional stress that is threatening the health of your current pregnancy and you are currently seeking counseling for your loss and under close supervision through your doctor. Explain that you tried speaking to your boss and she hasn't taken your situation seriously. And that although you understand the other workers' pregnancy is a great thing it's affecting your work. You can't focus, your productivity has declined, etc. After all, a company is there to make money not throw parties for their employee's. Your boss' supervisor will find an alternative solution for you or will likely involve HR to find out what to do.

Answer 8

Hi, sorry to read about your loss. I think you should speak to the one having the shower and explain to her that you will not be there and explain why. When the baby shower is on, I think you should leave the office. If it's on during lunch time, have yourself a long lunch, if it is on in the afternoon, leave early for the day, get a sick certificate if you need one. You can't be sacked for being sick with a certificate, and your doctor and counsellor will certainly issue you with one.

Answer 9

I defiantly dont think you should go. And I think that no matter how long it has been you will still morn the loss of your son, nothing can make that go away. I dont know how you can get out of it maybe take your lunch during the baby shower

Answer 10

I AM REALLY SORRY, AND WHAT YOUR MANAGER SAID, WAS TOTALY WRONG. AND I WOULD TALK TO HER, STATING THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT AGAIN, DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU STILL DON'T HURT ABOUT LOSING THE OTHER CHILD. AND YOU ARE STILL GREIVING. AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE SHOWER DON'T. AND IF HE OR SHE FIRES YOU. YOU CAN ALWAYS LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB. OR COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT. BUT EXPLAIN IT TO THE GIRL THATS HAVING A SHOWER THAT YOU REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING THERE AND TELL HER THE REASON, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WILL UNDERSTAND. GOOD LUCK.