Is my desire for a surrogate mother wrong?

Question

I have decided that I want to spend my time and money to hire a surrogate mother for my fiance and I. I have absolutely no medical reason for this. My reasoning is as follows:

1. I absolutely do not want to endure pregnancy for many reasons.
2. Pregnancy and the time it consumes would be detrimental to my career. I make the majority of the income in our relationship, and the position I am in does not provide any worthwhile maternity leave due to the pay structure.
3. My fiance has desperately wanted to have a child for a long time, and now that we are emotionally and financially stable, I want to give him that right of passage.

I really need some outside opinion. Sometimes I think I have found the solution, and sometimes I think I am insane.

Please note, I understand that law requires maternity leave, but the reality of my position is that I would be unable to make the money that we have become so comfortable with if I took that time off.

Please note, as well, that yes, I have spent a long time trying to figure out if this is what I want, and yes, I am ready to become a parent. And the plan is that my fiance will leave his job to stay at home with the child.

Answer 1

In my opinion YOU are NOT ready to have a baby. What are you planning on doing when the baby arrives? Leave it in a daycare?

Answer 2

Here's the bottom line, You Want to be a PARENT, right? That is the only thing that matters. Whether you have the baby yourself, or a surrogate, or even adoption, just be the best parent you can be. Once you make the decision, let go of any questions you may have, guilt, etc., and start YOUR family. You must however, make sure you hire a great attorney, cross all of the t's and dot the i's. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Just a few weeks ago, you wrote in a question that you disliked children.

I'd guess you cannot face that you and your boyfriend have reached a fork in the road. You're supposed to learn all about someone through dating and then when you realize they don't want the same thing as you do, you have the decency to say goodbye.

The family you create with him will be empty and sad and nothing at all like his fantasy of having children. He must leave you and find an emotionally healthy person who wants to love children. (A person can be emotionally healthy and not want children, but a person cannot be emotionally healthy and want to bring an unwanted child into their home.)

To think because dads were emotionally distant in the past it's okay for moms to be now is utterly ridiculous. And if you read any feminist literature, or sylvia plath poem, or some developmental psych, you'll know generations have been devastated by the distant dad. And that's nothing compared to the damage done by a distant mom, as babies evolved to get their very identies from how their mom treats them.

Answer 4

I am not trying to be rude but maybe you should totally rethink becoming a parent at all. If you don't have time to be pregnant, you don't have time to be a mother. Are you planning on hiring your surrogate on as a live in nanny and you will spend time w/ the child when it is convenient? I think you are being very selfish and not taking the responsibility of raising a child serious.

Answer 5

Well if you have the money and that is what you want then no one can stop you from doing so but you wouldn't have such a strong bond with your baby when it is born. It will not know your voice or anything like that.

If you cannot handle the thought of childbirth them maybe you really don't want a kid, have you ever thought about that?

If i couldn't carry my own child then i wouldn't want a kid if someone else had to have it for me cause i am scared of pain or losing my figure or whatever.
I think it would be very selfish to do this

Answer 6

I thought this was a joke at first.
Do NOT have or have ANYONE else make a baby for your husband until YOU are ready to be a R E A L mom... you know... take time off when child is sick, LOVE the child EVEN if they keep you up all night... MAKE SACRIFICES FOR the CHILD....
How are YOU going to feel when hubby likes another womans child so much , that he blows off time with YOU to spend MORE time with the child.
PLEASE think DEEPER into "wanting" a child.
GOD willing, THEY are permanent.

Answer 7

It's a very interesting plan. Have you, in formulating it, considered that children under three years of age are seriously damaged by more than 10 hours a week separation from his/her mother? NICHD has studied this for decades, and their longitudinal work backs up 50 year old work by Ainsworth on attachment.

Babies are damaged socially, emotionally, intellectually, and physically when separated from mom - and research has found this damage occurs even when daddy is the substitute caregiver.

So, you seem like someone who has no conception of the needs, the reality, of a child. This is something you want to give your partner, like a picasso lithograph, rather than a human you want to conjure through love and share a life with.

No child needs a mom who isn't in love with her. No society needs children raised this way. Your values do not really match mothering. Your fiance ought to find someone with an emotional warmth to have a child with and leave you to pursue your career and financial ambitions.

are you michele c. of arkansas? she thought this way, too. sexually abused, emotionally damaged...

Answer 8

Do your research, this is a very delicate matter...consult with at least 5 attorneys to get opinions, and crawl up the a*s and out the nose of any voluntary candidates. Be prepared to foot any and all bills and expenses for this, plus extra monetary compensation...from the prenatal vitamins, to the pregnancy books, to the ever growing pile of hospital bills. This is a LOT of work, and good luck to you.

Answer 9

Have a good lawyer. Many things can happen - surrogate mom wants to keep the baby.

Answer 10

Gee. Sounds like you really want to become a mother.

Make sure you contact a lawyer first. And good luck finding a surrogate for an engaged couple.

Answer 11

understanding your desire to have a child,,, you would be much more bonded with the baby if you carry it yourself.. if you will be the ''bread winner " in this relationship and not be home with the child when will you have time to bond??? I can understand the concept of surrogate mothering but not for your reason,,, Sorry.