my bf's son is spolied rottten from his parents guilt over the divorce(he was a baby when they divorced and does not even remember them together)they both allow him to walk all over them and give into his ever wish.i really could care less what his mom does but his dad is just as bad and i live with my bf.he wants consent attention from my bf and has a fit if my bf shows me any.he also consently talks back to us mostly me and i have a hard time getting him to behave for me.how can i get my bf to get over his guilt and step up as a parent and discipline his child.also can any stepmoms give me any advice on how i can get his child to listen and respect me.i have been with my bf for 4 yrs and the older his son gets the worse its getting.
2007-01-18 14:25:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Not your job. Your boyfriend (the boys dad) needs to step up to the plate and teach his son right from wrong. You can befriend the child, or lead by example, but don't punish.
I personally would not want to be in your situation. I'd go find someone with out children. This is going to be a issue for the next 13 plus years.
2007-01-18 20:33:24 · answer #1 · answered by olschoolmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I have a 3 year old step son I came in his life at age one. I am the primary person who disciplines him. My husband as well has a lot of guilt and does not do but does not mind me doing it. The child's mother told me recently when i asked her of her . discipline tactics "he runs my house i have no way to control him".
Myself I have a low tolerance for bad behavior therefore when he acts up (and its always been this way) I tap his hand and tell him what he is doing is unacceptable and put him in time out. If I have to say no for the second time he gets a spanking and has to say what he did wrong and say sorry. I am the only person he listens to and when he does something wrong he looks at me because he knows im going to get him. However, you can not do anything without your husband and yourself are on the same page. I've always said i treat my step son the same as i would treat my own child. Now that im pregnant im glad i did that because i would hate to let my stepson get away with murder and my child get in trouble for doing the same thing. Talk with your husband and explain that all children need guidance and while they may get mad at the time they respect you for it. I had to take my step son home to his mother on Sunday and he said "I'm going to miss you sooo much". Even though you get might discipline them doesn't mean they do not love you. Before I get all the negitive emails from people about how this isnt my son and i should not disipline him this is what works for us. So keep your two cents to yourself. Best of luck!
2007-01-18 14:42:22 · answer #2 · answered by J&A 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If in 4 years this hasn't changed, it never will. And the relationship between you and your bf will suffer for it until you honestly tell him how you feel and walk. Other wise, your just prolonging the inevitable. Eventually that boy will be dumping dad for his friends, and dad will then get the wake up call. I knew a couple guys like that. They eventually regretted all the good woman they let go for the ungrateful, spoiled teenager they now have (or should I say do not have because they eventually spend all their time with friends and only want expensive toys) They usually don't come back around to respecting and wanting to be around their parents till about late 20's, early 30's. I know you love him, 4 years is a long time, but if it continues to get worse...guess what's going to happen?
2016-05-24 05:36:20 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 4 years together, your boyfriend ought to know that his lack of response to his son's behavior to you is only going to get worse; not better.
He needs to back you up more:
"Don't talk to your mother like that...You listen when your mother is speaking....You do what your mother says, or you will get a spanking, sent to room, no gamecube....etc...."
By now, you are the mother figure (you are living in the same house) and the child, whether he likes it or not, has to recognize your authority, and submit.
I am a step parent as well, and I have had myriad difficulties with my stepdaughter (the oldest); but not so much with my 2 stepsons.
So, I think that gender does play some role....me being a male, the boys listen better. My daughter, being a female, listens to her mother more....even though I've had her longer than her actual father has (who has been completely out of the picture for almost 9 years...)
Your boyfriend/fiance needs to get over the guilt he has with his ex, become more strict with his son, and back you up more.
Because if he doesn't, eventually you and him will not work out....blood is thicker than water, and couples DO get divorced because of the kids....ugly, but true.
I wish you luck!
mslahispeedcable
2007-01-18 15:28:08 · answer #4 · answered by hispeedcable 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing YOU can do. your role as a step-mom would be to support the boys parents in their disciplne of their son. Since there is no discipline, you are up a creek. This is a good time for you to look at what your future with this guy will be like. This is ,as Dr. Phil says, "a deal breaker." It will never change, except to get much worse. Only way there is any hope is if both parents agree to go into counselling with the child, learn some effective parenting techniques, and stick to them. then there MIGHT be some hope. Sorry
2007-01-18 14:40:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Firstly, get the step mom concept out of your head.
The only way this child will accept you and love you wholeheartedly is if he get whole hearted acceptance from you.
As you said he does not remember his parents together. He has only seen you with his father. Yes he is spoilt no doubt but to improve the situation is in you hands.
Be firm but loving, treat him as you would your own child. Show him physical affection. Hug him, kiss him if he lets you. The three of you should go out on family outings to the zoo, or movies and at such times ALWAYS let him walk between the two of you holding on to your hands. This will make him feel wanted equally by both of you.
You certainly have an uphill task as you have your Bf's guilts to deal with too . Do not make your Bf's mistake and let guilt come in the way of disciplining the boy. If you don't teach the boy what is right YOU will be failing as a mother.
What you need is lots and lots of patience and more importantly unconditional Love. If you can from the bottom of you hear shower unconditional love on your Bf's son later if not sooner he will become your son and you HIS mother. Children at this age respond more to body language more than anything else.
Good Luck!!!
PS expectant mom is right. Children NEED and LOOK forward to one person to discipline them. They will always try and test you but if you stay firm they will very graciously give in too.
2007-01-18 14:44:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Discuss this with your boyfriend. He'll love how you appreciate his son.
Also, after he begs for something, just simply say, "No honey." If he screams, just take his hand. Ignore his tantrums, and just simply stand there. Smile at him, and take him for a 'trip'.
Say it's a field trip, around a rather more poor side of the town or something with lots of hobos. You'll get to know his son more, and it'll increase your relationship with your bf. After take him for some ice cream, and discuss things and be 'fun'. Be stern when he's annoying, but be fun when he's not.
2007-01-18 14:36:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not easy to handle stepchildren as my situation is the same like yours but I keep a very strict discipline attitude i.e. punish when they are wrong. I will always explain to them why they are being punished and I communicate a lot with them.
My advice to you is that, you got to sacrifice more time going out with your "stepson" alone (without your boyfriend)...Make him be comfortable with you and you got to also understand what children wants frm you, that is ATTENTION...So,y not bring him to the Ezone or any arcade....play games with him... and then tell him that if he likes to visit the arcade often....then he must also behave and obey by your rules....only then he might change...
It works for me after 5 years being a stepmother of 3 children now age 12, 11 and 9.. I bring them to arcade and play games with them, bring them for bowling...and many different activities that interest them....Provided, they abide by my house rule.
2007-01-18 15:03:06 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say, do not marry this man! He needs to focus on his child and the child's needs, not yours. This whole ordeal you'll call a marriage will only get worse, and go down hill fast.
2007-01-19 18:11:11 · answer #9 · answered by wedygli 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you: I WOULDN'T get married UNTIL all of these issues were resolved!! Suggest to your boyfriend that the 2 of you attend PRE-MARITAL counseling & BE HONEST with him!!
If you get married BEFORE this is all worked out: you WILL be miserable!!
2007-01-22 12:55:19 · answer #10 · answered by ilovepoison2820 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋