How do i forgive my father?

Question

Growing up my father was distant. He is an alcoholic, he was verbaly and emotionally abusive to me my sister and my mother(he loves my brother) He once told me he didnt love me and i said i wasnt worth his time. He ruined my mothers self esteem and did the same to my sister. He has remarried and seems to be a better man now (from what i hear... we dont really talk) He got married in australia and bought my brother a ticket but no one else. I would love to have a relationship with my father, but i dont forgive too easy. I would really like to get over this and move on with my life, i dont like feeling angry, any suggestions on how to help me open up?

Answer 1

It is hard to forgive somone who has hurt you, your sister, but mostly your mother. You will never forget the past, it will always be there.

It seems that you can't let go to what has happened to you. That is normal. But, when you want to move on with your life and still have little problems that get in your way, that usually means that the past has caused you to be this way. The only thing you can do is move on, but you might need counseling for this. That is your choice.

If you say that your father may be a different man, and you want to have a relationship with him, then you will need to forgive him first before having that relationship. It will take some time. Just remember that people do make mistakes too. If your father is willing to admit to his mistakes and has apologize to you for what he has caused during your child years, then that will tell you that he wants to start a relationship with you. It will also tell you that he was responsible for his own actions. You just need to let him in....in your life. You need to forgive, because it will sure make you feel much better with yourself and for the way you look at things too.

When you are someone who wants to start a relationship with their father, but can't let go of the past, then you may have problems in your adult years, especially when you get married. It is better to try and open up now with your mother, close friend, or even a counselor, than keeping all your emotions inside. That's how you become an angry person. And no one likes to be around an angry person. (smile)

The first step to do is to maybe send your father a letter on how you feel. Be polite about it too. I am sure he knows what he has done wrong, don't remind him about it. I would bet he will send you a letter back or a card. If he does, that shows you that he still cares and loves you. Your sister should do the same. If he doesn't, he probably is still trying to better himself. If your mother is saying bad things to you about your father, you should tell her that people make mistakes and are willing to pick themselves up. So if you are willing to do this for the sake of you, then you need to first forgive him and then finish the rest by sending a letter and then later, who knows, he may want you to visit him along with your brother. It is your choice. Just take your time about it.

Here is a good book to read called, "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. A really good book, I have read the whole book, and it sure helps!

Answer 2

This is a hard one. Your father let you down and acted very irresponsibly. No one could eve blame you for writing him off.
However, we all have this deep need to connect and have approval from our parents (no matter how crappy they are). It is just human nature.
So if you think you need to have a relationship with him, maybe you can start by sending emails with news on what you have been doing and ask him about his life. You could slowly start to get to know each other. He probably feels really guilty about how he treated you so may have trouble connecting because he feels like he does not deserve your love. Alchoholics are really sick and have twisted thought processes. If he has quit drinking and gotten into a good AA program you have hope. If he is still drinking you are fighting an uphill battle because the bottle will always win in the end. Alcholol takes total control of people and ruins lives.
Something else that would be great is if you can get a good counselor. They can really help you with this.
good luck

Answer 3

Sounds awful. Well, I guess it's hard to forgive someone that hasn't apologized. Since forgiving usually follows the apology. So it would be tough for me to forgive if he isn't sorry, which you don't know he is. He didn't offer you a ticket to his wedding which is bad, but he may be embarrassed to approach you now. He may think you don't want anything to do with him. So maybe you should get in contact with him. Tell him through a letter or call and tell him how you feel and let him respond. If he's truly a better man now he'll admit his mistakes and tell you he's sorry he didn't treat you better. If he doesn't, the best way is to move on and find a good man and take your father' lesson as a way not to treat others.

Answer 4

I had a similar upbringing. When my parents divorced my father still took every opportunity to be unkind about my mother and eventually I was pretty sick of hearing it.
I had it out with him first - I told him how I felt and why and there was a big row of course. I think we understood each other better afterwards but I chose not to speak to him any more after that.
Years later I was still mad at him and that will probably never change. He might be my father, but that doesn't mean I have to like everything he does. He had his problems but you can't hide behind them forever.
My father died last year and although I'm still pissed with him, I do miss him at times and wonder if things might have changed in the future. I'll never know now, but i can live with that too, because despite how much I love him, I can still never forget what he did, and that will always be there.
If you can move on and not feel guilty about it, do it. Otherwise you'll have to find a way to come to terms with how he is/was. Counselling might help, so might talking to other people in your situation through websites about mental health, divorce, domestic violence, etc.
Good luck.

Answer 5

Before you reach for an olive branch are you reaching to high? Forgive the fact that he can't be what you expect him to be,nothing more.If you want your father go talk to a counselor first don't let this man ruin your self esteem if he hasn't already.If he wanted a relationship he should come to you!!I'm not talking out of my *** just so you know my husband did this to our daughter.It kills her everytime when she is not his only eye.He has other kids.She acts tough like she don't care but when he does talk to her she hangs on his every word. It makes me just wanna shake him up but we've said,cried,yelled,and nothing ever never changed.He ruined my esteem were going through a divorce and I hate him I've never hated anyone. Don't let him win don't let him get you where your life is all about him.Take your future and say hey you have a chance to be in it I love you do you want to be here for me? If no response then you close that door and never look back until the day he's sorry for letting you go and if not no regrets.Live,live live. Do the best of everything,the best you can,theres definitly worse things that can happen.You got an amazing mom let her know that let know you appreciate her and live your life because this is just one of the harsh lessons in life hopefully your child someday wont have to endure. GOD BLESS YOU !!

Answer 6

Accept the fact that your father is who he is. Even if he becomes a better person, you can't turn back the clock to redo your childhood. You never had a good father. But you are an adult now, and you need to go about making your own family and friends, and your own life.
It is natural to be angry, but after a point it is no longer useful. It only hurts you and those close to you.
I gather your father has not acknowledged his fault, asked forgiveness, or attempted to make amends. So there is no reason to trust him or let him into your life.
Take care of yourself and those close to you.

Answer 7

You need to talk to your father and tell him what you're feeling. If he has really changed he will respond to you. Neither of you can change the past but if you have and understanding that the past will no longer be a factor you will be able to move on. Let him know that. He may be feeling that he messed too bad and that you are unwilling to have a relationship with him. You won't ever forget the things that he said and did but you can forgive him.

Answer 8

Write to dear old Dad in Australia. Make it a short note without any criticism or guilt trips. Just a friendly "Howdy Do". He's behaved like a complete butt-head in the past, but perhaps may have grown-up a bit by now. If so you can start to mend your relationship. If not, you can move on knowing you tried. Mabey then, you can let your anger go.

Answer 9

Since he is in Australia, try writing him a note in a card. Just say you hope he is doing ok, would love to hear from him, and tell him briefly how your doing. Don't criticize or blame or even make him feel guilty about your upbringing, just let him know you think about him. It won't hurt, who knows in a few months or a year you could take a trip yourself. Time has a way of changing people and he could be wondering about you and your sister too.

Answer 10

Let me tell you something. Life is short! Shorter than you know. I know how you feel my dad targeted me out of my siblings and tormented me for years. Verbal, physical and emotional abuse. He use to say horrible thigns to me. And he told me once if wasnt for you i wouldnt even stayed with your mom. Like it was my fault they married young and that they hardly new each other. He was horrible to me. But one day he had a heart attack and he did a 360 went to church became a really good man and really tryed to be a father and make up for the assshole he was. I didnt wnat to forgive him i mean he made me hate myself and everything i stood for,. But after a year i started talkin to him about the past and eventually he apoligized he said he took out his frustration with my mother on me. I still had a hard time fogiving him but i was trying. 3 years after his first heart attack he died. That was the hardest thing of my life. I never told my father i forgave him. I never told him that before he died he was the father i always wanted. I loved him dearly and sadly i didnt give himt he chance to be the good dad he had become. I cant tell you what to do. Im just telling you my story i know its hard it so ***** hard to forgive someone that spent his life hating you and hurting you for no reason. But if he has seriously changed maybe its possible for you guys to have a relationship and to forgive him. If i could have one more day i would say the things i never did before he died. Our time is short here and we always should live each day like its our last. Also holding a gurdge is only gonna hurt you. I know that. Thers a saying a person can only make you feel as low as you let them.. He cant do that anymore. And if hes changed maybe he will show you the father you been wanting your whole life.
best of luck and hope everything works out!!!!!