should you forgive abusive parents who refuse to apologize?

Question

if your mum has always abused your (physically and emotionally) and now you are 25, would you forgive her though she insists it was all your fault and would not change?

Answer 1

Been thru that and lived thru the many many years of anger at my Mom. I never really forgave her and the anger within my "inner child" just got worse.

At 25, one starts to feel perceptively older as that quarter of a century birthday hits. I think that when we are younger, we are a lot more reflective than when some of us age. Myself included. . I felt the weight of my 25th birthday much more than my 30th, or 40th. I'm about to hit my mid-50's, and I feel so much more confident and in stride with my life and it's wants, I am focusing more on what makes me than what she made me do or feel.

An abuser will never own up because of their own problems. And do you want to waste your precious energy trying to get her to realize that she abused you in the first place. The answer will always come out to her advantage because abusers don't have the real scene of what actually took place during your childhood.

I hope that I have helped you in some way, however small it may be. And that's what it takes for us that have been abused - steps back to where we should be - loved. And it doesn't have to come from family.

I hope this doesn't offend you - it is meant to help you think thru your situation.

Take care,
ShirleyG.

Answer 2

i would just move on with my life. there is no since in you being really tore up over an apology that you will probably never get.
staying upset all the time over something can cause to go into depression and that is something that you do not want to experience trust me, i live with depression every single day. this has to be very hard for you. you can't change the past but you can look to the future. if and when you have kids, as a parent, you can use what happened to you by your parents as a learning experience because you know how much it hurt you then and hurts you today and as a result, you will know not to ever do that to your kids. this can also help you help your kids when they become an adult because if they ever get into an abusive relationhip you can relate and guide them in a way that people that haven't been through this can't. remember that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. what they did to you is in no way right but since you cannot change the fact that it happened, you can at least try to make it less painful by trying to it into something positive. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 3

A lot of people think that issues like these are way too late for apologizing and forgiving. But I personally am against that.

Your mom may not have apologized and she may not have said, "You know what, maybe some of this is my fault too." But it's still good if you forgive her anyway. Why? Because, think about it, do you really want to spend the rest of your life hating your mother because she abused you? Yes, abuse (of any kind) IS wrong, but you need to forgive her because we could all use forgiveness for the things we have committed in our lives that have hurt others.

All the best!!

Answer 4

I say if you dont forgive her you will suffer.Sounds to me she has emotional problems and maybe you should look at it that way.No matter what she says it is not your fault that she treated you this way.If this has happened to you (you dont really make it clear if this is your situation) it will be hard to forgive her but it can be done.If she will not admit there was a problem on her part just move on and work on your on self.You may never have a normal relationship with her so dont try.If she cant be there for you then you should find some close friends are other relatives that will be there.

Answer 5

Forgiveness is a two way street the abuser needs to want to be forgiven and must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and make amends.

If she is not doing this you may want to just make sure you really know in your gut it was not your fault, accept what happened by loving yourself and taking care of yourself and move forward with your life.

I' ve done this and it helped-- i wasted too much time hoping she would want to make amends so we could forgive and forget. Sometimes that just does not happen and that's OK. You deserve heappiness.

Answer 6

My mother suffered horrific abuse as a child and teen...she then had me at a young age of 21. Thank God I wasn't a victim of this vicious cycle...but I think I was a minority. Most suffers pass on the abuse. I was never physically abused like my mother...but she never trusted herself around me. It made my life kind of hard as a kid until I was old enough to understand what had happened to her. You may not forget what happened...how could you? But forgive in your heart and move on you've suffered enough. If you don't your children will suffer in one way or another...not to mention that you deserve to be free..it's about time.

Answer 7

If she insisted it was my fault, you know I'd probably gradually phase her out of my life.
If it was agreed to disagree and the subject was never brought up... well, sometimes they did all they knew.. they learned it from their parents to be that way.
Let it stop with your generation. Be kind and loving to your children, if you have them. Regardless if she admits it or not, move on and be a better person.

The best revenge is living well. And its true.. however painful it may seem at times.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You can only forgive some types of parents if you believe they are mentally ill and cannot change. Actually, it's more of an acceptance than forgiveness.

Answer 9

No, you "forget" them for they are not parents. They have not lived up to Mother and Father because they didn`t fulfill the role. The Commandment of Honor thy Mother and Father is negated.
You move on with your life and never see or talk to them again you have no obligation to them. Now you raise your kids like a father should.

Answer 10

I would just move on, maybe someday you'll get an apology. Don't dwell on it too much, You'll only get depressed. ( been there
done that )