Is there preemptive action I can take to prevent preferential treatment?

Question

My mother-in-law hasn't liked me since Day 1, possibly because my husband and I eloped. That hasn't bothered me as much as the way she favors my sister-in-law over my husband; when visiting, she'll stay at her daughter's house if she has to sleep on the couch, but she'll go to a hotel rather than stay in our guest room. She constantly gives my husband the cold shoulder, but the daughter's probably her best friend.
We had the first grandkid, and my sister-in-law had her son eight months later. I thought things were going better with my husband's family till our last visit: my mother-in-law kind of sneered at my son while smiling at his cousin; the cousin pulled my son down and hurt him and no one apologized, etc.
I really feel like my husband should take action here, but I don't think he will. Is there anything I can do to keep my almost-two-year-old son from feeling hurt by the preferential treatment? I'm afraid that things will get even colder if I say anything to his grandma.

My mother-in-law lives about three hours away.
She shocks me sometimes. The last time we were there, she literally whined to her daughter about having to make a bed for us. . .while I was in the room. I told my husband and we made the bed ourselves. But who treats a guest that way, and why wouldn't she be happy to have her son and her adorable grandson visit?
Really, though, I don't care that much how she treats me, and my husband's old enough that he OUGHT to be able to stick up for himself. It's my son I'm worried about. He hasn't shown any sign yet that he feels slighted, but I worry that he will in the future.
My father-in-law treats his grandsons equally (and nicely), but he's afraid to be too nice to us because my mother-in-law will berate him for favoring my husband. So he bends over backward to treat his kids equally while she clearly favors their daughter.

Answer 1

You say you don't think your husband will take action, but he really has to for the sake of your child. If you do not do something about this problem soon, pretty soon your child will be old enough to realize that he is being treated differently than the cousin, and this will not be good for his self-esteem. It sounds like you need to have a good discussion with your husband, then with your husband and his parents, so that everyone knows how you feel about the situation, and you can explain that you don't want your child feeling hurt.
If you don't say anything to your inlaw, you may get really angry, and your son may get really hurt. Maybe you need to have a conversation with your inlaws, and tell grandma that if she can't treat them equally, you'll have to keep your son away from her to protect his feelings. You need to try as hard as you can to work it out with the family, because your some day your son will be old enough to understand what happened and he'll be glad to know that you did all that you could for him. Also, the way his family interacts now is going to affect him for the rest of his life. A family counselor would be a great way for you all to sort this out. Good luck, it is a very hard situation.

Answer 2

The most important thing you should focus on is that you have done nothing to deserve being treated the way she treats you. If your mother-in-law has bias against you and hubby for eloping, she is being ignorant of the fact that eloping was a decision that you AND your hubby decided to do.

If your mother-in-law isn't mad at you for that reason, it is the classic "values issue." Perhaps there is something about you that in her value system seems to make her dubious of your intentions.

If your intentions are good, then you have nothing to worry about. As a preemptive action, I think you should stand your ground and avoid interaction with the mother-in-law because she evidently does not have the decency to communicate to you why she is acting rude to you. If she does not provide a reason for this, as a preemptive action, you must assume that you have done nothing wrong at all. I don't think you should force you hubby to take any action. After all, he is in a difficult position as she is obviously his mummy. That is not to say that you aren't important. But it is to say that there is family tension.

I suggest that you allow him to spend one on one time with "mummy." What I am suggesting is that you essentially make your hubby a spy and hopefully, "mummy" will give her reasoning for being rude to you. You should politely explain to your husband that you feel tensions between mom-in-law and you and that it is best that you not interact with her or your child until she has allows the fairness of expressing what the issue is.

I do not think it is healthy for your grandchild to spend time with your mother-in-law because your child will intuitively sense bad energy betwixt the two of you.

If your husband is too weak to communicate the issue with mum, or, if in their one-on-one's mum has not spilled the beans as to why she is rude to you, you should come to an agreement with your husband that if mom does not improve her aberrant behavior that he offer her an ultimatum to accept you or to disconnect relations with her until she has apologized to you in person.

Do understand that this should be the last line of defense. If mah-in-law cannot take that seriously, then she has no clue as to what being a mother is.

Also promise me that if you have a son and he grows up and has a wife who has slightly different values than you, that, you will not, too, end up like the current mother-in-law and give the cold shoulder treatment to her.

In the end, these tensions could merely be one of those situations where you both just clash. That happens all the time. If that is the case, I don't think you should break ties with her, but I think you should allow your son to spend time with her without your presence until your mom has accepted that you are a decent person despite the clash you share.

The only time you should break ties is if your mother-in-law takes actions to attempt to disrupt or destroy your relationship by making your child or husband go against you. If she casually says crude remarks about you to them behind your back, then, she is an ill person who does not deserve the privilege of even being a grandmother.

Answer 3

Talk to your hubby, afterall its his mother that's being rude here. Just explain to him about the treatment you're getting and that of your son. Its your husband that have to voice these things out to his mother.If your husband doesn't have the guts to protect you and your son from his mother's abuse then it would be better for you and your son not the get yourselves involve with this nasty old woman.Im sure you have family of your own who will accept you and your son and treat you right.
Good luck!

Answer 4

well her feelings are probably really hurt by you guys eloping.....but thats no excuse to treat her grandkid like that. You need to have your hubby stand up and say something or it will only get worse.....you cant really do it....trust me it never ends well for us daughter in laws when we do.....but be glad that your MIL isnt always shoving herself on you....mine thinks im the nazi DIL because i refuse to spend every sunday at their house and i refuse to let her be in the delivery room with me and my husband. I would almost rather be in your postition....
Well good luck to you!

Answer 5

not really, many times I have given best answer to a complete unknown. Now, if I am in a quandry as to which to pick, then I go for the one with the best promises of a good time ;)

Answer 6

Sounds like she is harboring some ill feelings about not being invited to your wedding.
Just ask her straight up what her deal is!

Answer 7

If she lives far away then it probably doesn't matter because she won't be close to the child unless you make it happen anyway.

Answer 8

It's about time to talk to your mother in law.... she should not do that because it is not proper.... do that as early as now while your baby does'nt put meaning to it yet... pity your baby he has nothing to do with it... you tell your husband also.. he has to do something about it.... if not then better do the move.
Please do't waste time... let your mother in law realize her mistake...

Answer 9

time for you and hubby to sit her down and have a long talk about this behavior and get to the root of the problem and work on resolving it. if she is unwilling then cut her out of your life your child deserves better than this