Do you think taking kids to a wake/funeral is appropriate?

Question

My husbands uncle just died and my SIL is insisting that she is taking her kids to the Wake and the funeral. They are 4yrs, 2yrs and a newborn. I have tried to tell her that it is not a place for children, and that the 4yr and 2yr old could be traumatized by seeing their dead great uncle at the wake. What do you think? Am I wrong ?

I also have kids and have absolutely no intention on taking them.

Is there anything that I could say to my SIL so that she leaves her kids at home?

Answer 1

No it is not appropriate at all. I'm sure we can all remember being younger and trying to understand the world around us. And some things are just too much at such an early age. I had to make that choice myself this past summer. My grandfather died and I chose not to take my 5yr old to the service. I mean come on, he still breaks down over seeing his pet fish floating belly up in the tank. How would he deal with seeing his great-grandfather(who he adored) laying in a casket? I think you have the right idea to keep them away from that. It can really mess a kid up and being a kid is way harder these days than ever. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

My grandfather passed away a few months ago. My daughter who is 4 was very very close to him as well as my cousins' children ages 10 years to newborn. They all, 10 total, were at the funeral and family visitation. My grandfather's casket was not open during the church service and was in a separate room during the visitation and I kept my daughter from seeing his body. I think it's completely appropriate for children to go to a funeral. It's a time to celebrate a life and what better way than to see young children around their family. It's also a chance to explain to the children about death and what has happened to their uncle. There is also the reasoning that many times families can't always get together to visit often and at funerals families want to catch up and see how the children have grown. No one is going to be traumatized. People will enjoy seeing the children. Lighten up a little, if you choose not to bring your children that is up to you, but it is wrong of you to tell someone else what they should do with their children.

Answer 3

I can see no sense in taking the 2 year old or the newborn to a wake and funeral. The newborn could end up being very disruptive.

The 4 year old could probably handle it but why?
If the 4 year old was close to the uncle then it might be good so that the 4 year old understands where the uncle is and has closure. I attended my brothers funeral when I was five and it didn't freak me out or traumatize me.
Just my 2 cents

Answer 4

It all depends on how you present it. Children know nothing of the societal view of death and so a dead body will mean nothing to them. It is important for children to know about and understand death from an early age. This can be achieved by taking them to a funeral or not taking them. Whichever way works for you is what you should do.

I personally might take the 4 yr. old, but the baby and toddler would just cause a disturbance. It is, however, a great place for family to get together and see all the kids. There's nothing horrible about death, so I don't see a funeral as a horrible experience for kids.

Answer 5

It depends most kids wont understand or be fazed by something its very rare that a child would be traumatized. Since it was a distant relative then i wouldn't. Kids don't know how to behave in situation like this. We took my cousins to my grandfathers funeral and they were yelling at the funeral home and picking flowers and playing tag at the grave. If it was someone they were close to then i would say that you should take them out of respect for the deceased. But it doesn't sound like they knew this person very well so you shouldn't put them through the stress.

Answer 6

I remember when i was 10 and my grandfather had died. I went to the funeral because my father wanted to see me. I was terrified so i stayed in the back the entire time. I was 10 so i could only imagine what that will be like for a 4yr old or younger! I've never heard of anyone taking their children to a wake or funeral it's just not appropriate. If her husband had any kind of sense he wouldn't allow it. Tell her what it might do to the children also taking a newborn is a huge mistake, what will she do when the baby is crying? I think it's disrespectful.

Answer 7

I think children should absolutely be allowed to go to a wake. The actual funeral part may get a bit boring for them and they may get disruptive. Death is a natural part of life that everyone is going to experience one way or another. You should raise your children to understand that, and not to be afraid or "traumatized" by the death of a loved one. If you are open with your children about what's happening (to an age-appropriate level), and you encourage them to share their feelings about it, it can be a good learning experience and life lesson. It would also be a good time to reinforce any religious teachings about the afterlife that your family may have, and perhaps that will give them some comfort as well.

P.S. Just don't make your children kiss their deceased loved one - my grandmother did that to me when I was 4, and that *was* disturbing!

Answer 8

That small of children will be difficult to tend with, HOWEVER, most funeral homes have a children's room for the children to go and play. As for traumatizing the children, they do not have a full comprehension of the "death" concept, so they will be oblivious to most of it. Where I am from and the families that I am in, the children are always present at the wakes, sometimes not the funeral because of the reverence that is supposed to be shown at a funeral and it is difficult for children to be reverent. If there is a surviving spouse, children benefit them in their grief, it is a constant reminder that life is worth it and the world keeps turning, regardless of the pain that they are suffering.

Answer 9

i don't think it is necessarily inappropriate-
if her and the kids were close to the uncle i can understand her
wanting to take them and i think the children are too young
to be traumatized.
however the childrens presence could seem disrespectful to
some while creating a diversion for others.

i have taken my own children (9,12,15 at the time) to a funeral, the first was not a close relative and i used that opportunity to talk about death, what to expect, how to behave and encouraged further discussion and everything went fine.
a year later my father passed away and of course my children
attended, it was a sad time but, i think my children were prepared
and informed and we made it through okay.

Answer 10

I lost my 4 year old son about 7 months ago. I had a viewing i didn't take my six year old for that. I did let her attend the funeral but not at the grave site. My 6 year old nephew went to it all and was fine with it. At the funeral homes they have a coloring book to help explain to kids about death and the funeral process.

Answer 11

If they were close to the deceased, then a private viewing may be in order, but discuss what to expect beforehand and allow them to keep their distance unless they feel like they would like to move closer. Answer all questions truthfully, but keep it age appropriate. DO NOT take them to the public viewing or funeral because they cannot handle everyone else's emotions. They will not understand everyone crying, fainting, the somber atmosphere, etc. Let them grieve in their own manner, but be supportive. Give their feelings a name and discuss how you feel. Don't forget to tell them that they are perfectly safe and that you will protect them. Kids often feel scared of dying themselves for quite some time after losing someone close to them. If he died as a result of old age or a specific disease, it may comfort them to know this instead of thinking he just dropped dead for no reason. Good Luck and I am sorry for your loss.