My husband and I were just given custody - most likely temporary - of a distant relative. He is 3 1/2 and was beaten viciously by his mother and stepfather (He just got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago) He is very quiet and well-behaved, but we've had him for 2 weeks and he's still terrified of us. We have never raised a hand or our voices to him and give him his space, but he still cries or whimpers and cowers away if we even go near him. It breaks my heart! I am home with him all day so it seems like he should be used to me by now and not as scared of me. I have no experience dealing with abused children, so if anyone has any tips on how to make him more at ease or how to handle abused kids in general, they would be greatly appreciated. (He already goes to counseling twice a week)
2007-01-18 05:35:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I would choose some activities that encourage him to snuggle, let you hold him or atleast his hand. Even picking him up to stand in a chair and help you make cookies would be a little bit of closeness. Then get a blanket and ask him to sit with you on the couch to watch his favorite cartoon or rent the movie Cars. You can eat cookies, have popcorn and take a nap together.
Even though he is not yours and you might only have him temporarily you should call him sweet names and tell him that you love him and that you will protect him. Acknowledge that you know some people have not been nice to him then tell him again and again that he can come to you when he is scared. Tell him you love him and ask him for a hug. Promise him that he is safe there.
Smile at him a lot and tell him how cute and smart he is every chance you get. Tell him that you are happy he is there and ask him if he would like to play a game with you.
Draw with him. I like to draw for kids then let them color the pictures. They tell me what to draw and I do then they color it. You can also see what they are thinking about when you do this.
I would be careful not to tell him to do anything right now and would instead phrase it as if you are asking him. Ask him if he likes cookies and then if he would like to go to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make cookies. Ask him if he would like to hold the list and then when you get home ask him if he would like to stand in a chair and help.
2007-01-18 08:07:04 · answer #1 · answered by Not Laughing w/ U 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sadly this is a hard world, so today talk straight to kids about the dangers, here is what I taught my children and they were never harmed, hope this helps. 1. Teach them to fear all strangers......period. (Better safe than sorry) 2. Teach them that while most are good people it's always better to never trust strangers. 3. Tell them the truth, that some strangers will claim Mommy or Daddy are hurt and sent them to pick the child up, that others will use the lie of lost pets to lure them to bad places, never talk to or take any treats from strangers that offer them if they are not with you. 4. Tell them if they ever find themselves in a situation where someone is trying to pull them into alley ways, cars, vans, old houses or the like to bite, kick, scratch and fight with all they have, attract as much attention as possible. 5. Teach them if they are grabbed to scream FIRE at the top of their lungs while fighting back. No one within hearing can resist wanting to see a fire. In large areas screaming for help will NOT work. 6. Teach them to never ever go anywhere without at least 2 other friends along, these monsters who prey on children look for ones who are alone. 7. Never ever put the child's name on clothing that others can see, nor use coded phone numbers or home addresses on clothing, this gives the monster the upper hand in gaining a child's trust. 8. The hardest part is teaching children that they can't always trust close family friends and relatives either, tell them that some will threaten you, their brothers, sisters. They will tell any lie to keep the child from telling, let them know these are lies and that if they are ever 'hurt' by someone they know (over 80% of abused children are abused by people they know) to tell some adult they fully trust. You can never be too careful and each day this horror gets worse. Honesty is truly the best action to take, educate the children about ALL the possible dangers.
2016-03-29 03:18:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He really needs to be in therapy a few times a week...for starters.
Like someone said, give it a few more weeks, it hasn't been very long, he's been abused probably for three years now, 100% of his life. He knows nothing else. Be consistent with the love and the quiet, try to stay in the house and protect him for a little bit. Don't force touch or hugs...and always ask permission to touch him first. He probably has never learned that he has autonomy, one of the first things babies learn as they start to talk and walk.
God bless you for taking on this task, you have a chance to save a life as surely as any paramedic. Definitely get some ideas and some therapy for you too....this is a big change for all of you. Also you might contact the owner of this blog
http://www.foreverparents.com/index.html
She's adopted three children from very abusive situations, and has a lot of wisdom.
2007-01-18 07:40:37 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
2 weeks isn't enough time yet.
It isn't going to happen overnight. You have to be consistent. Right now he's probably waiting for your heads to pop off and you start beating him. He's had a rough time for his 3 1/2 years. That's all he's known so far in life. Honestly, it'll probably take months, possibly a year for him to warm up.
Just keep giving him love.
Whatever you do BE CONSISTENT. That is the most important thing.
2007-01-18 05:44:52 · answer #4 · answered by aslongasitrocks 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be there and have lots of patience, it's going to take time. With one of our daughters, we don't know what's happened to her at her mother's house. When she first started staying with us, she would keep herself in her room, nose stuck in a book. The youngest was in her own little world and wouldn't come near me. I found that a low tone of voice and asking for their help with very simple household tasks like feeding the dog or handing me the kitchen towel worked to get them out of their shell. Just remember the rule with pets, don't force yourself on them, they will come to you when they are ready, the same applies to abused children. With our oldest, sometimes she cries for reasons she can't or won't talk about. When this happens, I offer to hold her and she just cries it out. Let this child know you are available to him, let him feel part of the family and ask for his help, and most importantly, let him see the love you and your husband share with each other because it will show him that love, not violence, live at your house. Even though this may be temporary, the love you show this child won't be!
2007-01-18 08:59:54 · answer #5 · answered by christibearb 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do things around him by yourself that might only be funny or look like fun to a 3-4 year-old. Like building things with blocks or having toys or stuffed animals talk to each other. Keep it up with gentleness, no sudden moves, & lots of attention & love. Good luck...
2007-01-18 05:46:40 · answer #6 · answered by wolfticket2003 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well you have him going to the counselers which is a good thing. What you and your husband are doing is a good thing for this child. Its going to take awhile for him to get used to you guys. Just give it some time.
2007-01-18 08:23:45 · answer #7 · answered by angel01182 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
CAll CPS and explain your situation and you were looking for groups to attend so that you can help this child. They should probably be already involved. Talk to your case worker and get some advice. That way you can help him come around. MY heart goes out to all of you and glad to see you taking him in.
2007-01-18 06:57:53 · answer #8 · answered by mommy_2_liam 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first, get him or her away from the abusers
and anyone else who is loud or insensitive or mean in any way
then be really nice and reassuring, keep reminding them and showing them how safe they are, just hold him a lot and give him lots of attention
lots of counceling too
after some time, he might let you help, he might not though
sometimes abused people can go on to lead fairly normal lives, usually not though
2007-01-18 05:41:44 · answer #9 · answered by kurticus1024 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
just have great patience and he will at some stage come round
2007-01-18 05:43:17 · answer #10 · answered by lisa s 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋