Why does everybody judge single mums?

Question

The majority of us dont set out to become a single mum, but the few that do, make it harder for the rest of us. We are not all teenagers who dont care about our kids!
Being a single mum is a hard enough job, without having to defend ourselves all the time!
When we go to work, we are criticised for leaving our children in daycare all the time, but if we dont go to work, then we are criticised for scrounging off the government! I am a single mum on government benefits, and also a full time mature student. I am going back to education and want to go to uni, but people have criticised me for leaving my kids in nursery, and called me selfish! If i was a married mum, with a husband or family member to look after the kids, then no-one would moan about me going to uni, so why should i have to sit on my bum and then get moaned at for that!!! Any comments please!

I am not saying that i think all teenage mums dont care about their kids, i am saying that the term 'single mum' makes most peoplethink of this. I am 27, and still feel like a young mum, hey, i'm not old yet!

Answer 1

they call me mom, forgot to mention that disabled people who have children or one on the way are judged to. so i know how your feeling I'm not single, iv been married for three years. but my issue is I'm disabled i have a 50/50% Chance of passing a genetic disorder on to my child (neurofibromatosis,type one) and my husband has mr its not genetic its caused by brain damage due to being stuck in the birth canal to long. but iv seen the looks or heard stuff from people when were outside or other disabled people have children. everyone is always saying how can they raise a child,how are the going to do this. just because disabled people have a disability either mental or physical does not mean they can't provide support and love for that child. i had someone tell me if my child crys to much dss will take him away because im disabled. iv taken child care in boces and home school and i know how to do things my child needs. just like i have had someone ask me if i knew how to change a diaper. im like what do you take me for. in case you want to know the link for my disabilty is down below.

Answer 2

I know how you feel. I've been there before. My husband and I were separated last year and I went through the same thing. We are back together now which is good. But when I was single with my kids everyone always had something to say. I was a full time student taking care of my children. The way I see it is screw what people think. People will always have an opinion. As long as you know you are trying to do what is best for your kids that is all that matters. Ignore everyone else. Heck for that matter even when I was younger with my kids everyone would give me dirty looks and make comments to me and I was married. They thought I was an unwed teenage mother! People can be rude sometimes, you just got to let it run down your back. Good luck with school!

Answer 3

We are mired in a global patriarchial society that still semes to believe that it is incumbent on the female to preserve any relationship with the male, especially when a child is involved. Nobody cares whether the male in question was an abuser, an alcoholic, an adulterer, a criminal, a drug user, a jerk, or a liar. That doesn't matter. Whether we admit it consciously or not, we see a single mother as a failure; she has failed to maintain her relationship or she has failed not to become pregnant.

Even those of us who are single parents or the products of single parents immediately leap to judgment. When meeting a 23-year-old single mom, we immediately do the math to realize that her 5-year-old son was probably conceived when mom was 17. It's involuntary, reflexive.

This is partly because we're constantly subjected to such propaganda and phrases like "family values" and "kids need a mom and a dad". This comes out whenever someone wants to present themselves as being more morally-centered.

For example, back in 1960, My Three Sons debuted. The sitcom featured a single (widowed) father with his three children. He was a single parent, but no aspersions were cast in the direction of that character. However, more than 30 years later in 1992, Dan Quayle had the audacity to slam the show Murphy Brown for ignoring the importance of fathers and choosing for the eponymous character to bear a child while unwed. His statement, "it doesn't help matters when prime-time TV has Murphy Brown -- a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid, professional woman -- mocking the importance of a father, by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another 'lifestyle choice.", spurred an outrage among single parents in the United States. Yes, their circumstances were undeniably different, however, I think that if the parental figure in My Three Sons had been female, we'd have witnessed a hasty remarriage for the widowed mom.

Answer 4

Great question! I think i know what you mean, and i hope my answer can help you.
It's true that people is judgmental almost all the time, and single mothers are so vulnerables to this, because we have a hugh responsability, and it is a bigger responsabily than being a housewife; and because we are not like any other single woman, who can live her life without any other responsability than looking for their own happiness.
We all, human beings, are so judgmental, maybe we cannot avoid it, and all the people is going to judge you because you are going to the Uni, and someday because you are dating the wrong guy - and you cannot make mistakes because you have a child-, or just because you are not a perfect mother.
Don't worry about anybody else's critics, the only persons you have to be good with is:
Maybe your family, since they migth be the persons who will help you when you need it.
Your own child - cause he or she is a part of your life now on, and all of your decisions will involve your child well-being.
And your self - you have to think about your decisions twice you did before, because you have to think in the behalf of both of you.
Don't worry, you will find later that your decision was the addecuate, because you are looking for a better situation for you and your child, with you studying, rigth? so, don't worry about what anybody say.
Remember that there will be people who will get to know you better, and know who you really are, what are really your qualities, and maybe what are really your defects - and they will appreciate you no matter what.
I can tell you this, because i am a single mother as well, my son is 11 yo now, and i have been there as well, and i can tell you that eventougth i have to deal with prejudice everyday, i have made friends all the places i go - specially at work - i have worked all the time, i have married friends - i have good relations
with her wifes and kids - really. And single friends as well, girls and boys who i can go out to hang out every now and then.
Stick to your own objectives and teach your child with your example, to work hard and be a good person to have a good life.

Answer 5

I have a lot of respect for single mums.doesn't matter if young or older. Things happen. I'm married and have a 5 month old daughter. the first 2 month were terrible and I was so thankful for my husband being there. I don't think i would have managed alone.
I think it's great that you want to go to Uni. It's not selfish at all. It's to give your kids and yourself a better future.
I'm returning to work again soon and have an aupair who'll look after my daughter (husband is away for 6 month :( ).
i think it'll be hard being away from her, but at the end of the day we all need money. and having been to university you can get an a lot better job.

Answer 6

I am also a single mum have been for almost three years. My daughter has been diagnosed as having learning difficulties and is hyper. There is not child care available for my child. I also have another child of 7 who is on accelerated learning. If I wanted to get child care for them both together I would really struggle. There father hasnt worked for over a year so that isnt helping either. I recently decided to return to work to show my children a good example. I have been to see an agency locally called reed employment who help single parents return to work and dont put you down for being single with children. There are a lot of reasons why we become single parents i.e violence and mental abuse so we dont choose to become single parents it not our fault. The point is we are trying to bring up our children the best way possible. The annoying thing that goes along side this is that if a mum is married and both her and her husband work and the child/ren have to go to child care then why are they not critisised the same as we are. It really is not fair. We should be given more support because we dont have that second pair of hands or income so we should be supported and congratulated when we manage to continue to provide our children with the best upbringing possible ! I really agree with your point and say to those who critisise us to look at there own lives before having a go since no one in this world is perfect far from it ! !

Answer 7

I don't think of young mums as bad mums because you can be a 30 year old and be a neglectful or cruel mum. I don't think age has anything to do with your ability as a mum. Ok, if you're older, you're almost certainly wiser but if you're a horrible person what good does experiance do you. They are good things with way with being an older or younger mum.As long as the young mums get help to finish their education and chose their career then what's the problem.

Answer 8

Because they can.

Was a single mother, worked (so felt guilty about leaving child) and studied. It is hard but you have your child so its worth it in the end.

Some people only see black and white - ie a single mother is obviously bad.

Don't listen to the few people who want to judge you there are a lot more that will judge you because of your determination to get on and do something for you and your child and as long as you are happy who cares!

Good luck with your uni course.

Answer 9

People judge other people is what we do. No matter how much you say I would never judge someone at some point in your life you have passed judgement based on superficial information. I am a single mom and personally I could give a rats a** if people don't accept the decision I made. I love my son with my whole heart, he is well taken care of, I work full time and I have a family that loves and supports me.

Answer 10

Because it is easier to judge other people, rather then to stop and take a look at what is wrong in our own lives?

I was called a bad mother for not breastfeeding my first child once LOL. Let's just forget that he is probably the healthiest out of my 4 kids ;) My other 3 were breastfed and bottlefed. By the time they were born I was more comfortable with the whole idea of nursing.