Do I tell my son that I had an affair and that my husband isn't his real dad?

Question

I'm very curious to hear especially from grown children of affairs. I got pregnant during an affair with a much older married man. He wouldn't leave his wife & I wouldn't leave my husband. We went to counseling & spent SO much time working things out by now finally have. He's been wonderful & totally accepted "our" son, who's now 4. However, he never completely wanted to know if he was the father or not (he told me once that he knew I knew the truth but he didn't want to even think about it b/c he loves our son so much). Now that there is ZERO chance our son will ever be reunited with his bio dad, do I ever tell him the truth? I'm very torn... he should know his roots but at the same time, I don't want him to have to live with this burden forever (i.e., I'd like to protect him emotionally).

Answer 1

I wouldn't tell him, especially at this age. His "real" dad is the one who loves him, plays with him, and tucks him into bed at night. He is too young to understand the real story, and there is nothing he can gain from it. You might re-examine this issue when your child is an adult, but ask yourself how he benefits from knowing. Aside from a family history of disease, which he may or may not be able to discern from tracking down his biological father, I see no valid reason to say anything to him at all.

Answer 2

In thinking this through I theink there are a few things you need to ask yourself (and your husband)... by the way congrats on making a go of the relationship (and that he loves this child as his own... you are a lucky person everyday, and you should never forget this)

As far as reveiling the truth to your son I think it is important that the both of tyou agree to talk to him about with no reservations on either of your sides....

While I feel it is wonderful for this child to have a sense of who "daddy" is (being your husband), I also think there is the chance that in todays society, this child will likely discover his real roots at some point in his life...(medical reasons,etc) Are you prepared to handle the possible sense of betrayal he may experience?

Maybe 4 is a bit young to start changing his world (then again, maybe he can come to accept it easily.

Is the other man in his life? He probably should be, but if he isn't then I suppose that could complicate things too...

Honestly, I find honesty to be the best policy when kids are concerned, let a parent be caught in a lie to a child, and all credibility ends up lost, even if only for awhile (that awhile could happen at a critical point in the childs life.) Remember how we were so mad at our parents finding out about Santa.... a little hurt that our parents had lied to us....

I cannot possibly decide what will be best for you and your family... pray about it, seek christian support ...perhaps a pastor would see things from a perspective you and I are unable to.

Whatever you choose, good luck... and congrats that things are working!

Answer 3

Right now I don't think that is something a 4 year old could comprehend.

You shouldn't keep it from him, in case something ever comes up medically he will need to know the truth.

A child sees "Daddy" as the man that protects, cares, supports, etc etc that is in the picture. There is a difference in a FATHER and a DADDY...any man can be a FATHER, but it takes a REAL MAN to be a DADDY.

My daughter is 5 and her father hasn't seen her since she was 18 mos old...her daddy is my fiance, who has been in her life for the past 2 - 3 years.

I would not hide the fact, and answer any questions honestly. But right now, at 4, it would probably just confuse him more than anything.

Answer 4

My nephew is 34 and the product of his mother's indiscretion, but my brother raised him from age 4. To my knowledge it was never brought up and he is no worse for it. My brother adopted him and had his last name changed legally so that when he started kindergarten there would be no questions>!>!I am absolutely confident that my brother and sister-in-law will tell him if he gets married and wants a family or figures out that his parents were married less time than his age and asks and at this level of maturity, I doubt there will be much resentment, but rather, appreciation for all my brother has done for him not being his bio dad....

I can certainly see how telling a rebellious teen and the repercussions of his anger vented against the man who loves him and raised him would work. NOT!

A 4 year old is not going to ask questions nor quite grasp what you are trying to tell him... If he has the same last name as your husband, he would never have a reason!!

Answer 5

First of all, are you 100% sure that your husband is not the father of this child? If there is a chance that he could be, have a paternity test done.
Yes, you should let your child know who his bio-father is. This is so that he can be aware of possible health issues, family history of disease, etc. My nephew has been robbed of this as his bio-father can not acknowledge him nor will his family share their family history (his bio-father tried to kill him at birth). The courts took away all of his rights and he now has to live without the health/family history information.
Your husband is his "father", his "Dad". He is the one who is teaching him moral values, helping him grow and prosper into a proper gentleman. He obviously has been there for the child whether the child is well, sick, feeling lonely, during play, taking care of his daily needs, etc. He shows the child unconditional love. He is obviously a super father figure.
If you feel the need to tell your child this information before he is 18 years old, it may crush him. He will not understand. Write him a letter with all of the information in it and place it in a safe place. Include any family history, disease information and anything else such as a photo of his bio-father. Let him decide what to do with this information when the time comes. In the event that you were unable to tell him, ensure that someone else knows of the letter and will pass it on to him at a later date.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Like Vianca said your husband is the real dad because he is the one who is raising him and is providing an education.

The thing is that you may need for the trust to come out at some point. This is ok. I don't understand why peope always say, oh you should not say this or that because it wil hurt his/her feeling. Well tough. Being hurt is part of life. Thats how we grow. We can't be over protective of everything. Thats not what life is. If you really need to get it off your chest then do it but not now. He is only 4 and all of this wil go over his head. I would wait until he like 17 or older. This way it will also lessen confrontation with his dad since the "Youare not my real dad?" escuse cannot be used. he must learn to love and respect his dad (your husband) first.

Answer 7

That's a toughie. Well yes and no. If your son is the ony dad he nows, don't tell him. But in high school, during science class, they have u find out what your blood is. If the birth father, ever left his wife and came to u and your son found out about it, he would be upset with you. I believe in being honest with kids about alot of thing, but some things u just keep to yourself. If u decide to tell him, let him know, that u and especially your guy loves him very much and that will never change. Talk to a counselor and maybe they can help. Good luck

Answer 8

Your husband is more forgiving than any man I know!! Another man's baby from an affair!!!! You should have been kicked to the curb! I have only met my bio dad once when I was like 9yrs old. He has not tried to maintain any contact since. I know I have brothers and sisters I have never met, and I suppose alot of unanswered questions, YOUR SON WILL TOO!why is there ZERO chance your son will ever see him?? I would tell your son the truth, I am sure he would like to know

Answer 9

If you are going to tell him, I would think it should be now.
I could only imagine how devastating it would be to hear about it in his teens. Plus it would create bad feelings like, "why didn't you tell me before"! type of feelings, and a whole list of personally feeling dumb, the last to know, plus other thought whether correct or not. Perhaps being 4 years old is a little bit beyond your sons ability to comprehend of any of it. But the point being he should know as early as possible, so everyone can begin growing together. Counselling always helps too. You don't have to have a bio parent to just as much.

Answer 10

If your little son believes that your husband is his father, why do you want to ruin that relationship??? The damage could be enormous. If he has no chance of being reunited with his bio dad, what is the point. I think you are feeling guilty and want to get rid of your guilt by hurting someone else, but a 4 yr. old??? Come on! Leave it alone.

Answer 11

You know, I am going to point this out (as a Long Term Single Parent of TWO Disabled Children) ... at a future age, your son needs to know the MEDICAL History of his Biological Family (and that means knowing his Biological Father) if ONLY because that information could save his life, or the life of any children he may have.

Now having said this -- he HAS a DAD/FATHER -- your husband. At the age he is right now ... he doesn't need to know that his 'daddy' is not biologically his 'dad' -- but ... again ... YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to have a definitive test done for the MEDICAL CONCERN here.

There are many genetic disorders that are 'hidden' time-bombs in the human body .. and yes, if that family (for example) has the genetic trace for breast cancer in all its female members -- then when your son has a daughter ... he NEEDS to know that information so that he can INSURE that Medical background is IN HER MEDICAL RECORDS and help her AVOID or recognize the signs/symptoms of Breast Cancer earlier.

So I WOULD recommend a DNA test at this time ... if only to gather the BIOLOGICAL Information from the "sperm donor" family. This is no shame to your husband (the innocent party), but a PROTECTION for his LIFE and his FUTURE as a parent.