What do I say to a grandma who buys for one and not the other?

Question

My mom keeps on buying things for my oldest daughter who is 4 and not my other little one who is 2 years old. My 2 year old just stands there and stares at her. Then on the way home my 4 year old tells her "don't worry, when I outgrow this you can have it- ok". Or "don't worry, I'll let you use it too." The other day I got something for my 2 year old and my 4 year old asked if that was because grandma didn't get her anything. Should I say anything to my mom? If so, what and how should I say it. Or, should I go through my dad? He is already trying to get my mom to buy things for the 2 year old. She loves her but gloats over the special bond she feels for my 4 year old. I would rather she didn't buy anything for either child rather than just buy for one. Help Please! Thanks

Answer 1

Sounds like your dad already knows its a problem and your children do notice the difference in how they are treated so YES! you definately have to talk to your mom. My first suggestion would be have this conversation privately with her, not in front of the girls. Maybe you could work it in while talking about the girls. When speaking of the oldest girl "amy" say mom I know you really have a bond with amy then give her a chance to respond. More than likely she with talk about their bond. Then continue.... but I don't feel like you have that with "sarah". I feel like you treat them differently. (More than likely your mom isn't intentionally trying to hurt one childs feeling.) Continue.... and the girls have noticed it too. 'Sarah' really gets her feelings hurt when you get 'amy' things and nothing for her. then say I know you're not intentionally trying to hurt 'sarah', but you are hurting her and it hurts 'amy' too. Amy loves sarah and tries to comfort her on the way home when she is hurt by you. It's okay to have a special bond with amy, but please include sarah too. If you buy for one should buy for the other expect birthdays. Hopefully this will help open a conversation between you & your mom so you can talk this out. Try not to get angry with her and try to listen, as well as, be heard! Get her thinking of the girls and don't make it seem like you are telling her to do something. You know how stubborn mom's can be. Hopefully she will be willing to change and treat both girls alike. Worst case you'll have to tell her not to buy for either one of them if she can't buy for both. Good luck! i hope it goes well for you and I hope this helps.

A friend of mine has always said "you can say anything, it's all in the delivery"!

Answer 2

That's terrible! Talk to your mom face to face and tell her how wrong it is to put one in front of the other. If she can't buy for both then she can't but for either. I saw a show like this once on TLC about how every time the grandparents would visit they would bring a gift. It was spoiling the kids and teaching them the wrong idea's about giving. Instead have her do little things with the both of them like going to the movies or baking cookies. This way both children will feel loved and get the same attention. You know things are bad when a 4 yr old knows what's going on. Don't go through your father because it seems like he's having the same problem with her. You could both sit down and talk with her about the situation. Another good idea for gift giving would be to take both children to say K b-toys and have each pick out a special gift from grandma.

Answer 3

I agree... this would be hard for the little one to swallow. Occassionally buying for one and not the other wouldn't do damage... they have to learn that they don't always get something all the time that the other one does, but it has to be balanced. Encourage your mom to spend some one-on-one time with the 2 year old. Send them out together to go to the park or out to McDonalds. Allow them some special time to get to know one another better. Also ask her to think about how it makes the 2 year old feel when she sees big sissy getting stuff all the time and she doesn't. Tell her that the little one feels left out when she dotes on the older sibling. At least your 4 yr old sounds like a sweet kid... willing to share and worried about how her younger sibling is being treated! Tell your mom that the kids notice when one gets something and the other doesn't- tell her your 4 year old is wondering why Grandma treats them differently. Sometimes just informing someone of their unconscious deeds can enlighten them to how the situation is seen from other's eyes.

Answer 4

You're going to have to talk to your mother. This is unacceptable. She can not show favortism. Even the four year old knows this is wrong and is trying to console her sister. Let your mother know that you love the close bond your 4 year old has with her, but she is hurting her 2 year old granddaughter. I'm sure she wouldn't want the two year old to feel unloved. If she buys something for the 4 year old she must get something for the 2 year old. You have to protect your daughter. If you don't do it, who will? I understand it's difficult to confront your mother, but it must stop now. If your Dad has already discussed this with your mother, then she's aware of it so you must drive this point home with her. If she ignores you and continues to buy things for the four year old and not the two year old, then I would let her know you're sorry, but you can't allow it and give it back to her. Maybe she needs a little time apart to gain perspective. Could she spend some alone time with the two year old so she can bond more with her? Be firm and good luck!

Answer 5

Refuse gifts unless there's one for each child. Your poor little 2 year old is gonna think her grandma doesn't love her as much as her sister! That's horrible. Tell your Mom AND you Dad at the same time that you cannot accept gifts for one and not the other. Grandma's relationship with the 2 year old will NEVER be as special as the 4 year old if she continues to slight the 2 year old!!

Answer 6

What she's doing is wrong. She sending the message to the two year old that she doesn't love her has much as she does the 4 year old. If I was you I would talk to your mom diretly don't go thou your dad and let her know that it upsets you and it upsets your daughters when she does this. I would tell her if she can't buy something for both of them then she can't buy something for the either of them. Your 4 year old sound's very mature for her age you should be very proud of her. Good luck with your mom I hope everything work's out.

Answer 7

Your 4yo seems very empathetic to your 2yo, I would ask her if she minded foregoing the presents for just a little while, because of how hurt your 2yo feels. You can compromise by promising her to go for an ice cream every time you leave grandma's house without getting a present (that way both children get something nice)

Then when Grandma has a present for her, coming from a lil one that she won't take the present because it's not fair, should knock some sense into the gal. It's ridiculous and unfair, and I cannot believe that anyone could rationalize this by saying that they have a special bond. What bullsh!t.

Answer 8

It's called FAVORTISM. She needs to grow up. It is completely wrong what she is doing. She is basically giving the 4 year old the idea that she is better than her own sister, while telling the 2 year old that she is "worthless and no good". She will feel that if her family doesn't love her enough to treat her equal, then why would anyone else ever do that. Tell your mother that she needs to stop buying the 4 year old anything unless she is going to buy both of them something. And if she doesn't respect that, that is her prob.

Answer 9

Ohhh your poor 2 year old. It's hard to explain to a child that grandma still loves her but only buys for her sister.

I'd talk to your mother directly. Maybe she's not even aware that she's doing it. Tell her that she doesn't have to buy anything for either child, but if she is going to buy the 4 yr old a gift then she needs to get one for the 2 yr old too. If, after you talk to her, she continues to slight the 2 yr old, refuse to accept the gifts.

Little children are sensitive and she doesn't need to think that she's loved less than her sister.

Good luck!

Answer 10

You need to tell her if she can't buy for both that she can't buy at all because if you don't stop it now your youngest will start to notice and will think she is loved less.

My husband came from a family that did that and he was the youngest that always got less or nothing at all and at 25 he is still trying to overcome the resentment and the feelings of not being good enough and that his grandmother loved his sister more than him. It is not an easy thing to get over and if you don't stop it now before your youngest is old enough to remember then it will lead to bigger issues down the road.