3-year-old girl,dead mommy,cunfused daddy and upset friend?

Question

I asked that question before but I didn't get the answer I really need so I post it again.I'm a widower(age 32) with a 3-year-old daughter(N).My colleague (J. - woman,age 29) isn't married and lives with that girl - L.(age 16,her parents have lived in another country for the last year and are spending a year more but can't take her) who often comes to work and sometimes helps.L knows N since N was born and N looks at L as she is like a mother(L often babisits N,disciplines her,feeds her,buys her clothes when needed,etc).Recently N has started to ask questions about her mother.I can't tell her the truth now(her mother was murdered) and don't know how to explain that.N's mom was a very close friend to L(just as J is) and when N asks L about her mom,L answers but after that gets upset,sometimes cries(L has been there when my wife was murdered).N and L are very close too.What should I do with N and how could I help L(don't offer grief councelling pls it's not a solution in our case)?

Answer 1

Sounds like a difficult position.

Maybe you can show your daughter some pictures or videos of her mother and explain that she's in heaven or wherever you believe people go when they die. Tell her about the kind of person her mother was, etc. That would satisfy her curiosity without giving her too many details.

I'm not sure how you can help L based on the traumatic nature of what she went through. A friend of mine saw her mother killed and time helped but I don't think you ever "get over" seeing something like that. I think talking things out with someone who's been through it helps. Maybe it would help all of you to celebrate your wife's life and remember all the good things she brought to the world.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am very sorry about your situation. I am not a religious person, but If your daughter remembers her Mum(you didn't say how long ago this tragedy happened) can you say she has had to go to a special happy place, where she cant see, but Mummy can see her, and loves her? Maybe you and L, can try to focus on the things your wife and her Mum and J all did together. Just little stories, small things that can be dropped in and out of conversations. 16 is a very emotional age, no longer a child, but not an adult, and sometimes, with her own mother away, I am sure she feels the loss N has, even more acutely, because her own mother is not there to reassure her. Have you got a photo album you could make into a book for N, so she can look at, and then maybe it will be easier to see people L s Mum, J, you and your wife and she can see a connection without having to ask too many upsetting questions.Maybe you can do together,explaining who each person is,and how you all love her, and then L wont be put on the spot so often. Hope all goes well.

Answer 3

Ask at the public library if there is any material that deals with those situations that is meant for a younger reader. I know I saw a book on t.v. about a daddy that was incarcerated and the book was written to help moms explain to their children why daddy isn't around. There may be a book that deals with your circumstance. Good luck. Sorry I don't know what you would say, I've never been in that situation before. But I think at 3, you dont need to tell your daughter a whole lot about the situation, shes too young to comprehend anyway. You can tell her that she does have a mommy and that her mommy loves her very much but cant be with her but she can see her and that when your daughter needs someone to talk to, mommy is listening, even though she cant be seen, she is always around. As for this other young lady in your daughters life, she may be the best possible role model for your daughter, if the two have a close relationship, let that blossom, your baby will need a woman she trusts to talk to later on in life. Im very sorry for your loss. I couldnt imagine losing the father of my daughter and being a single parent. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry about your wife. Wow. This is a really sad situation. Sounds like the 16 year old girl loved your wife as if she was her mom, and now feels really responsible for your daughter. I guess she misses her mom and must feel that your daughter will never get to know what having a mom is like and she wants to be there for her like a sister.

I think you need to treat both girls as a father figure. Since your wife cared so much for this other girl you should too, in memory of her.

I think both children need to see that "life goes on" after such a horrible tragedy and you should not focus so much on it but rather help the girls get past it and "moving forward".

I don't know how long ago your wife died but I gather it's fairly recent.

Your three year old just needs to know that mommy is gone, if you're religious then tell her mommy is in heaven. I don't think a 3 year old is capable of handling the truth and it might just scare her and make her more frightened of bad things happening to others that she loves.

This is where grief counselling and experts (those who have experience in these matters) can help you handle it or at least help you enough to know how/when to tell your daughter.

If you must tell her now just be very careful. Tell her that there are bad people and sometimes bad people do bad things to good people and someone did something bad to momy and now she is gone. No more than that. If she wants to know more tell her one day you will tell her when she is older. Be honest and tell her little girls are too little to understand about really bad things that adults do and when she is older you will tell her. And that in the meantime daddy will always be there for her and that lots of people love her.

The 16 year old, well you should just talk to her and try to help her out when your daughter is around. Have talks with her about her feelings and find out where she is coming from and what her fears are.

My guess is she really misses your wife and feels lost not having her own mother around. Your wife was that mother figure for her. So maybe you can help by being a father figure. It's not the same but she really just needs someone to confide in and lean on. She must be feeling really lost as I'm sure you are too.

These are the people who meant the world to your wife, so you should embrace them and help them heal.

Go out and have some fun. You need to put sunshine and laughter in your lives and this doesn't mean you will stop thinking about your wife but you have to have some balance and have to feel good and positive too otherwise you will have a harder time overcoming this.


It's terrible that this happened at all, and maybe you should at some time in the future join a group of people who have been through this too, because they can help you with stories of how they made it through and coped and survived.

This is something that will stay with you always. It doesn't mean it will always be there in every waking moment, but it will have an impact at different times in your lives.

Maybe one day you'll move on and have a new family too and things won't be as dark as they are now, but even so, you will always have lived this life too and it will be there, but everyone has something they have to live with. You're not alone, and you should be with people who have experienced what you have otherwise you will feel isolated and alone.

Right now the 16 year old is feeling like that, so she really should have some kind of counseling. I am sure there are agencies what will provide this for free. Look on the internet for free grief counseling where you are and call and see if there are groups who get together just to talk and send her...you should go too.

Answer 5

Okay, in order to read your question I had to make up names that go with the letters. So the names I gave are Narissa, Jane, and Lauren, okay?

This sounds like a terribly sad and horrible thing to go through. I think it's wonderful that you're getting so much support from your wife's friends though.

As I'm sure you've figured out, three-year-olds love to ask questions. And she has more stuff to ask questions about than most kids her age. She's getting to a point where she realizes that many kids do have a mommy and that her mommy isn't there. So of course she wants to know why. And kids this age also learn by repetition. So even once she has an answer she's going to keep asking just for the repetition, just like she probably likes to have the same book read to her over and over, or likes the same foods.

I'm not sure what answer Lauren is giving Narissa. (What answer IS she giving, actually?) But whatever answer it is, it has to be an answer that can be repeated often without causing all the adults in her life to break down into tears because she's going to be asking it a lot. The three of you, Jane, Lauren, and yourself, need to sit down and agree on what you will tell Narissa when she asks.

My opinion is that she is old enough to be told that mommy died. How mommy died can be covered later. Letting her know that right now she's too young to understand that part, but that you'll tell her more about mommy's death when she gets bigger will be just fine. She's used to being told that some things have to wait until she gets bigger.

And I agree with the suggestion that she be told that mommy is in heaven or wherever you believe people go when they die. And if you believe in some sort of afterlife you can tell her that mommy is watching over her and is so proud of the big girl she's turning into, stuff like that. This will give her a feeling of closeness to her mother.

So to sum up my long-windedness telling her that mommy died, that this is a sad thing but that mommy is in heaven now watching over her sounds like an age-appropriate thing to tell her. And it's short enough and vague enough that everyone should be able to say it to her without it making them so upset that they cry.

It would also be good to do what some other people suggested, to have some way of remembering her mother. Children love to hear stories about when they were little. Pick a few stories from before her mother died, show her some pictures. Make that a part of her oral history. Maybe talk to Jane and Lauren about having a few stories on hand about mommy that they could share with Narissa without breaking down.

Things like this will make it so that she understands that it's okay to talk about mommy, but that it's also sad sometimes for people to remember her. Both of these things are good for her to learn now. Making it a normal topic will decrease the amount of time she focuses on it because it won't be a taboo to ask questions.

It sounds like all of your are doing an amazing job in such a terrible situation. I hope that my long-winded reply helped some. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Answer 6

I know that you don't want to hear about counseling, but it may be helpful at some point. It is crucial that you are honest with the chld about her mother being killed. It is more important that she know the truth, she doesn't need the details, but the truth is crucial. Without it she may harbor resentment later towards tose who did not tell her.

I really encourage counseling no just for grief, but to hel through the process of forming a family, dealing with change and all the emotions that are present. The complex emotions might be too much for one person to dealy with.

I am a therapist amd have been for many years. Most people don't believe they need help, but most people are not emotionally equipped to handle a situation of this magnitude all by themselves...

Answer 7

So, you have two very helpful females in your life, that are trying to help you raise your daughter, since your wife was murdered. And you want to know how to approach the topic of explaining to your child, about her real mother. Is this correct?

If so, you need to be honest with your daughter. She may not understand, but there a lot of books that can help you in this situation. Explain to her that her mommy is in heaven, and take her to the grave. This may sound a little in your face and direct for the child, but she needs to be able to understand the real situation, and why people are upset when she asks. I could be way off course here, but I have been honest with my kids about death (they are 8, 6, 4, 2). They understand, when we go to certain cemetaries, that we are going to visit the gravesite of certain family members. My kids also like looking at pictures and asking questions about family memebers that have passed. It was very difficult at first, but I have found that this is great way to keep the memory alive in my heart and in theirs. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.

You do need to tell N, definitely. Be there to support L, too.

I think it'd be a good idea to tell N sooner rather than later - use play if you need to. Don't go into details, but don't sugarcoat anything either. The only way I can think of putting it is to say something like:

"A bad person killed her".

If he's in prison, then tell N he is. Don't show articles containing photos of the bad man yet - she'll freak out every time she sees somebody that vaguely looks like them, even if they're actually friendly.

I'm probably saying the wrong thing here, but I'm only trying to help.

Answer 9

first off just tell the child tha her mother died. tell her a mean man hurt her and she died. She is old enough to understand that. If she asks why that mean man hurt her mommy just tell her some people are very mean that why she cant trust strangers. as far as your wifes best friend there really isnt much you can do for her (if she wont do therapy) just be there for her and explain to your daughter that she was her best friend and it makes her very sad to talk about her. I believe that a child can understand anything as long as you bring it down to her level. Good luck and know that things will get easier every day. just remeber this and tell J that your wife would want you to be happy and take care of N and not be sad all the time. keep telling yourself that and things will get easier

Answer 10

jus tell N to tell L that her real mom went on a long journey and she sent her a god mom thatz L..

if N asks where did her real mom go tell her that.. she went to be with jesus becoz she wants to talk to jesus about her(N) future.. becoz hes the right person.

if she asks who jesus is tell her its her real momz bestest friend

if she asks u why are u not her momz bestest friend.. u just tell her thats ur momz choice.. so ask here when she comes back..