i need help now?

Question

a friend is stuck in an abusive relationship, ive tried talkign with her, telling her she has to leave, everything, and im at the point where i wnat to break the bastards legs with a sledgehammer, do any women know good websites or anyhting that i can show her?

Answer 1

u r really a nice friend, u try to make her understand

Answer 2

While breaking the bastard's legs with a sledgehammer would probably do him a lot of good (if nothing else, it would make it far harder for him to abuse your friend physically), you'd be the one to end up in trouble, which won't help your friend.

Does your friend acknowledge the fact that she is being abused? (If she doesn't, your job will be a lot harder.) If she doesn't acknowledge the abuse, can you call the police? Or get the neighbours to call the police when they hear him abusing her? Even if the abuse is in the form of yelling and screaming, rather than physical abuse, you can still call the police. This would serve as a good wake-up call for both your friend and the abuser, and would help your friend to admit that there is a problem.

Are you romantically interested in your friend? I ask, because she may feel that when you are talking with her, you have an ulterior motive. If you haven't done so already, I think you need to declare where you stand on that issue.

For a lot of women, leaving an abusive relationship feels like jumping out into the unknown. Many people tend to think of the unknown as more frightening than the known, (even or perhaps especially), when the known is terrifying. When a person has been the victim in an abusive relationship for any length of time, their self esteem falls ("I am being abused, therefore I deserve to be abused", self esteem falls, this makes the victim even easier to abuse, etc. Nasty vicious cycle ensues.)

To deal with this, I think you need to help your friend put together a PLAN to leave the bastard. Discuss the details, and work on them, so that the concept of leaving Bozo goes from impossible & probably scary to possible and therefore much more desirable. Does she have a job? Does she earn enough to live away from her current situation? How is the move out going to be handled? (e.g. you, plus a couple of other strong friends coming along to carry out her stuff, so that Bozo can't threaten the woman, or terrify her into staying). Does she have her own transport - or how is she going to get around after she's moved out? Are there children involved? How are their needs going to be handled? Does she need to go somewhere where Bozo doesn't have the address? In that case, your friend needs a lawyer, to handle necessary communications between herself and Bozo. And so on.

I think that while you discuss these things, you may also be able to discuss some of the self esteem &c issues. Does your friend have any other trustworthy friends? If they can be involved in this plan, that might help.

Answer 3

She might have some psychological problem where he hits her, he later feels guilty, she gains power over being the victim, forces him to do things to make up. It sometimes is like that, or sometimes it is just power and control meets low self esteem.

Stay out of it, generally If he slaps her around or worse, or you are pretty sure worse is gonna happen, file a complaint to the police, but be advised, you'll likely lose your friend, either way.
And be very careful, because you might find yourself up on slander charges, or called before the police on any "Threats" you have made to him. Which he might be compelling her to agree to.

Also, if he's violent you will have a new problem, him, once you try to meddle in it.

Abusive families happen typically because one or both partners were abused. She puts up with it for some reason, he does it for some reason.

Also, get control over your own, "Break the bastard's legs with a sledgehammer" issues. A lot of anger there. if you are not careful, he can use it against you.

Until she thinks she needs help she won't go for it, and the dynamics of their relationship might be more than you can handle. Look in your phonebook for abuse counseling, and Crisis hotlines. Some states it is mandatory that if a domestic dispute gets called out by the police, and abuse has happened, one or both parties must go to jail, at least for the night. If they have kids, it is even more complicated. Kids might get sent to a shelter, and guess who gets blamed. Not each other. One guess.

Also be prepared when the police ask you if you are in love with her, or what exactly is the relationship, as sometimes, people use the police as a wedge to drive off someone, a rival.. And they really hate that, worse than anything. Good luck.

Answer 4

If you care enough to do so, protect her as much as you can, man. If this sometimes means getting between her and the bf and taking a hit, take it. Most likely she will turn against you too. There's very little else you can do.
Some girls are simply very talented at deluding themselves into thinking that they are madly in love with a person who is so wrong for them. It's like a bear trap, man. Nothing I have ever done has even shaken the girl an inch from her obviously insane relationship.

This is the toughest situation to be a friend, I think. I've actually lost some friends because I couldn't watch them punish themselves any more.

Answer 5

Why would you need websites to convinced her? Doesn't she feel the pain already? What you need to do is send her to a counsellor that can convince her out of the relationship. There are many women out there tolerate this kind of abusive relationships. You need to find out why she's not breaking it up...is it because she loves him? (that's always the excuse) Is it because of fear? Either way, she has to be convinced...... I was in an abusive relationship and immediately dump the guy. And I was married to that bastard for 3 months only! I sustained injuries! I had hell for the next 2 years where he stalked and threatened me. Had to keep calling the police all the time........ and even to the extent where my friend had to threatened him that he will break his face.........he finally left me alone......... My friend was like you and thanks to him for being there for me that I have a very happy life now. You a real good guy................ Oh, and I married my friend and I'm still happily married for 9 years now!

Answer 6

Its a known fact that no one will reachout to your extended hand to take the help you are willing to offer them until they are exhausted of the situation, but if she wants your help tell her that the next time it becomes physical to call the cops immediately, document the abuse, and then while he's in jail it would be a great time to grab her things and sever ties with this"prick". Most women start thinking that its because the guy loves them so much that he gets angry when other men are involved and that he just wants you to himself. That is the catch of abusive people, they do want you only for themselves because they think your property like a dog, it then becomes an ownership and no longer a relationship. Ask her to think of the most happy stable couples she knows and get a piece of paper out and list the differences of their relationship to hers, so she can see in writing that its not normal to live like that. Most women are very factual, and you can't deny the facts on that sheet of paper once you make that list, after all you wrote it. Also there are websites that you can look up and show her the statistics of abusive relationships, not alot of women make it out alive(thats pretty scary in itself. I wouldnt wish that kind of death on anyone) Good Luck to you and her, hope she wakes up and sees the end of the tunnel soon..

Answer 7

dont know where you're from, but isnt it now law some countries where even the victim doesnt want to press charges, the police still can if theyre aware of whats happening.
tell the polie, make them aware of what going on, try get photos of her bruises if u cant make her go yourself.
I had a friend in this type of situation, the guy had so much control over her, it was like she was brainwashed. Eventually we managed to get her away from him for 2 whole days, and explained that is she left him we would make sure she was safe. We convinced her and finally she admitted she had wanted to leave for ages but was too scared of what he would do.
After we got her away from him, some friend of a friend whos a big huge skinhead guy went up and threatened this guy that if he ever came near her again he would be sorry. Scared the hell out of him and he stayed away ever since.
best of luck
maybe try one of those domestic violence helplines, they can give u advice too.

Answer 8

Look under your state plus the letters CADV for instance for Indiana it's INCADV for INdiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

They will list resources in your area that can help.

If this doesn't work for your state look in the yellow pages under Domestic Violence and find a program or shelter in your area. These folks are experts on self esteem and helping folks to recognize a bad situation. Good luck - you're a great friend.

Answer 9

I have a good friend and a niece that are in that same situation. We have tried time and again to talk sense and give advice and we became the vilains not the jerks beating on them. Its our fault because we dont believe the guys will change and be good. Only thing to do is step out and let the guys beat the crap out of them till they have had enough and then they will seek your help.

Answer 10

The only person who can convince her to get out of the marriage is herself. You can talk till you are blue in the face, show her every website, every magaizine/newspaper article but until SHE has had enough or something truly terrible happens she is not going to leave. It is either out of fear or out of what she THINKS is love that she stays. All I can suggest for you to do is to be there when she needs you because eventually she will.

Answer 11

Awww so sweet!

I think if she wont listen to you she is not going to listen to us or anyone or thing that is trying to help her!

Move on when she realizes that she is in a bad situation she will move on too. Most women don't realize they are in a bad situation until its too late but maybe there is still hope for her!

And yeah you are way sexy baby!!!