what to tell my son?

Question

im 36, 21 years ago I was raped by three black boys.To make matters worse I got pregnate,and because of my parents religious beliefs abortion was not an option.Well 3 months ago I get a call from my sons adoptive parents to let me know he wants to meet me,wow And get this he just found out that hes half white.When his parent called they asked me not to tell him what happend.On his pappers it shows his father to be unknown and therefore I think he thinks I gave him up because I was loose and didnt want a black baby which is furthest from the truth.I've always had a void in my life hopeing and praying he was happy and well taken care of.And he was, He became a police officer and I could'nt be prouder.But I feel its important he knows that i was put in a position that I had know control over. What do you think?

Answer 1

if he is a police officer, he would understand....tell him the truth !!

Answer 2

Darn...this is a hard 1. All I can say is that he is a grown man now and it has been hard enough for him to go through life always wondering why he was given up, and possibly even harboring resentment towards you and the 'father'. The sensible part of him will understand your unfortunate circumstances, but the human part of him will have to undergo some serious healing after hearing about the rape.

Know that what you did was not meant in malice and you should not come off as beating yourself up over it-it'll only make him feel worse. DO tell him the truth, and love will begin the healing-for the both of you.

Sorry you had to go through that and good luck! I wish you the best...

Answer 3

I'm Catholic too, and to be honest I almost left the church until a gay-friendly Priest talked to me at a function and told me that there are several members of the church that do not agree with Rome's stance on homosexuality - and are completly supportive of open sexuality. I suggest you find a more friendly Priest that you can confide in. That being said, the reason your son doesn't need counselling is because, to be frank, he's done nothing wrong. You can support your son by being there for him, reassuring him (without making a big deal about it), and providing lots of hugs and making sure life continues on as normal. If he starts seeing someone and wants you to meet them, try your best to be open and welcoming as well. That will be the real test for you and your wife: can you accept his life fully when the time comes. If you can, your son will be among the most blessed and thankful children on Earth. Coming out of the closet - ESP. THE CATHOLIC CLOSET - can be very, very frightening. You should really appreciate the amount of courage it took for your son to tell you what he did and to confide what is probably his deepest darkest secret to you. I only wish my parents had been more accepting. Mine kicked me out of the house and still barely talk to me. You've done more for your son than you'll ever know, and in time your family will grow and be healthy and prosperous.

Answer 4

Wow... I couldn't possible imagine the struggle and void you must feel everyday. I personally think that your son is now an adult and deserves to know the truth. If he asks, I think that your story might explain a lot of things to him and maybe resolve some issues for you too.
I think you need to explain to him that at that time it is was all beyond your control and that you were pretty much a child! I think he may upset about the fact of who is biological father is however, I don't think anyone can really blame you for the decisions that were made for you.
I think his adoptive family may be trying to protect him, but he is grown up now and if he wants to know about you he will want to know about his father too. It may not be exactly what he will want to know or hear but it is the truth and that is better then having misconceptions.
Truly though, my heart goes out to you, and your son. I wish you the best. God bless!

Answer 5

I think you should discuss this with his adoptive parents - do they know how he was conceived? - if they do not know then please do not tell them: the less you tell him the better (my opinion) and I am not really sure if you should meet him.

I am afraid if you tell his parents about the incident leading to his birth it can be used against him in family baggage - you never know the dynamics of families until it is too late.

It sounds like he is a fine person and he has had a good family upbringing but anything you say in regard to his conception might make or break him at this point in his life. If he finds out the trauma of his beginnings he may feel guilty and this could lead to a whole lot of problems for him.

I would just not discuss this with him but I would let him know how proud you are of him. Perhaps you could write him a letter and just tell him you are very proud of him but not discuss anything else.

If I were you I would sacrifice my pride on this issue and just let him think what he will. You have already made a lot of sacrifices for him, so one more will be the best you can do for him. Tell him you were too young and he has had a much better life than you could give him.

If you tell him it can lead to a whole Pandora's box of perplexing questions about his father and then he will question himself and his life and so forth. This can be devastating for him. It is not a casual thing you throw at someone without a lot of counseling and therapy prior to divulging this sort of thing.

Answer 6

Well i think he has the right to know the details of why you gave him up and if he is in fact a police officer he will be able to handle it just fine. Don't tell the adoptive parents that you are going to tell him it could make matters worse for him and his family. It is so hard for children when they grow up and learn they are adopted and its even harder on the mothers to have to give up a child, I speak from experience i gave up my only daughter to find out that a childrens protective services worker adopted her, because she couldn't have kids of her own. I feel for you but if you lie to your son you will NEVER be able to build a meaningful relationship with him, and your relationship has to be based on truth, after all he's a cop so he lives by truth.
Good Luck and i hope all goes well.

Answer 7

I'm guessing there is a void in both of your lives otherwise he wouldn't have reached out to meet you. The truth is what it is. He is a grown man and it sounds like he grew up in a nuturing family and you have moved on with your life. Tell him the truth and he will understand. It may not be easy, but he will understand and have the answer to the question that probably eats away at him every day - why did my mother give me up?

Answer 8

It is important to respect the adoptive parents wish (as such matter might affect their life together) and it is definitely wrong to lie.
At such point you can choose what part of the truth you want to revel, and like medicine, mix it with some orange juice to make it easy to swallow.
Choose parts that are easier to understand and adapt to, as he is going to live with it the rest of his life.
Instead of stating your story as you have mentioned above, you can say that you have been forced to it instead of using the “rape” word, and without mentioning numbers like a guy or 3 guys; you have just been forced into something you really did not want and it resulted in something so precious like himself.

Hopping the best for you.

Answer 9

Be honest with your son. It is not your fault you were raped. If you start this relationship with a lie, it will have to continue. He sounds an fine young man. Working in a public service as a police officer, he cannot be unfamiliar with the trauma involved in rape. The wicked act of his father no way reflects upon him nor your love for him. I truly pray you will have a long and loving relationship henceforth.

Answer 10

I would want to know everything, the truth. If you want to have a real relationship with him, he needs the truth. It would help to establish trust between the both of you.
I'm an adult adoptee and my bio-mom was made out to be, as you put it, loose. she was a bit younger than you when she was pregnant the first time and then I was born a year after her first.
If I could sit down with her I'd really just want to know the truth of the situation from her point of view.

Answer 11

If you were raped. Why did you let him live ? You wouldn't let the supposed rapists offspring live. He should kill himself honerably in disgust for the way he came into this world. If you have any respect for yourself. He's not your real son.
You were not in control if you were raped. But, you were in control of letting the rapists offspring live. You rewarded the rapist. By allowing his sperm to develop in your womb. You had the chance to fix things. To make your own revenge. But,it is not too late. You can still even the score. You must be strong and true to yourself. Reveal the truth to him. Tell him how he was created. You are still young enough to have a new child with a man of your own chosing a new child you truly love.